Working from home without child care can feel like an impossible juggling act, as many parents found out at some point during the pandemic. Yet this is still the position many find themselves in — whether due to cost, accessibility or another reason — and it can lead to feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.
Kristi Yeh, a licensed marriage and family therapist, warns parents that lacking proper support comes with significant mental health risks, including relationship conflict, depression and anxiety. As a freelance writer and new parent, I’ve been in this boat at times and know how hard it can be to have my attention pulled in two directions. To better understand the issue, I looked at the landscape of child care in the U.S., and spoke with other parents about their experiences working without child care.
“People often say working without care is a balancing act, but really it’s like juggling knives. Your kid needs your attention, and your work needs your attention, so it always feels like one of them could be taking a hit.”
—Rachel Steinman, parent
The child care affordability crisis
Given the skyrocketing costs of child care in the U.S., it’s not surprising that parents are stretching themselves thin to make ends meet. Among the 2,000 parents surveyed in Care.com’s 2024 Cost of Care Survey, the majority say that they’re concerned about child care costs. And every type of child care – day care, nanny and family care center – is pricier now than it was pre-pandemic. Most of the parents who responded to the survey say they spend 24% or more of their household income on child care.
Meanwhile, the majority of Americans now have the opportunity to work from home at least some of the time, leading some parents to work while simultaneously caring for their children — essentially doing two jobs at once.
Why parents are trying to work without child care
My family’s decision to not hire full-time help yet is largely based on the high cost of care in Seattle, where the average cost of a nanny according to Care.com’s cost calculator is $986 per week, and affordable day cares have months-long wait lists. Even if we can technically afford more help, I struggle to justify it to myself. Other parents I spoke to echoed my concerns.
Rachel Steinman, a marketing director in New York City who had her first child in 2020, says that saving money was her main reason for not paying for care when she was working from home with a baby. While her parents helped some of the time, they lived an hour away, and she was still her son’s primary caregiver during many of her working hours.
Liz Tracy faced a similar dilemma while raising her baby in Boston. By the time she was taken off of a waitlist to qualify for subsidized day care, her son was more than a year and a half old. Even then, day care still cost her roughly $1,500 per month.
Other times, parents are unable to find caregivers they feel confident trusting with their family’s specific needs. For Lauren Rowello, a journalist living in Moorestown, New Jersey, that would mean someone who is both competent helping children with neurodivergencies, and sensitive to the fact that their family includes queer and gender-nonconforming people. Since the options who fit that bill are slim, they usually opt to not hire anyone.
Finally, some parents describe feeling a strong emotional pull to be their children’s primary caregivers that makes it hard to relinquish that role. Steinman says she also felt guilty about not taking care of her son, especially when he was still breastfeeding. With the American Academy of Pediatrics promoting breastfeeding for at least two years, many women feel pressure to keep it up while working, which adds another factor to consider when outsourcing care.
The mental health risks to parents of working without care
Emotional burnout
“People often say working without care is a balancing act, but really it’s like juggling knives,” says Steinman. “Your kid needs your attention, and your work needs your attention, so it always feels like one of them could be taking a hit.”
She says that part of the exhaustion comes from always being “on” in some capacity. “You’re trying to work late at night after they go to sleep, or working with them on your lap, or putting them in front of the TV when you don’t want to do that. There’s no feeling of relief or calm when that’s going on.”
“You’re trying to work late at night after they go to sleep, or working with them on your lap, or putting them in front of the TV when you don’t want to do that. There’s no feeling of relief or calm when that’s going on.”
—Rachel Steinman, parent
Tracy says that the hardest part was feeling like she could never be fully present for either her child or her work, and that her emotional well-being suffered as a result. “I don’t see how I could have been mentally fit under the circumstances,” she says. “It was too much.”
Yeh believes that parental burnout is a big risk, and defines it as having three dimensions:
- Emotional exhaustion.
- Depersonalization (decrease in empathy and compassion).
- Feeling a decreased sense of accomplishment as a parent.
She notes that many of these symptoms also overlap with symptoms of depression, so this is an important issue to acknowledge – particularly as we continue to navigate a pandemic. Parents without proper support might also encounter anxiety disorders and substance use disorders.
“We often underestimate our support needs as parents,” says Yeh.
Damage to relationships
When a parent experiences burnout, it can have a ripple effect on their lives, damaging their relationships with their partner, colleagues and even their children.
Emmalee Bierly, a licensed marriage and family therapist, says that while relationship conflict and financial stress are both extremely common among parents, they can spiral into bigger issues if left unprocessed. You might start out worrying about paying for child care and then escalate into feelings of inadequacy and resentment. Before you know it, you’re breaking down or berating your spouse for not earning enough.
Yeh explains this conflict can trickle down children. “If parents are struggling, the family system is negatively impacted because there is less empathy and compassion in parent-child interactions.”
“If parents are struggling, the family system is negatively impacted because there is less empathy and compassion in parent-child interactions.”
—Kristi Yeh, licensed marriage and family therapist
Less confidence at work (and potentially lower earnings long term)
Cindy Marie Jenkins, a writer and educational counselor in Orlando, says that working as a freelancer without care held her back because she lacked the confidence to charge higher rates. “I went through a big phase of undervaluing myself because I never believed that I had enough time to do the job well.”
The little time that she did find to work came in bits and pieces — at her child’s soccer game, or in the parking lot of a Starbucks. She says, “The thing about it that felt really bad is that I loved that work.”
“The thing about it that felt really bad is that I loved that work.”
— Cindy Marie Jenkins, parent
How this especially impacts women/mothers
While all parents are vulnerable to burnout, research shows that women in hetereosexual relationships tend to disproportionately shoulder responsibilities at home. This pattern holds true even when mothers are primary breadwinners. One study shows that working women spend nearly twice as much time as men caring for children or other household members. When pregnancy and breastfeeding are added to the mix, there are even more challenges.
Bierly says that the pressure mothers feel to “do it all” leaves little room for tending to their own needs. She suggests women ask themselves, “If I’m constantly thinking about what I have to do, do I ever get to feel grounded and peaceful within the activities I’m doing?”
“If I’m constantly thinking about what I have to do, do I ever get to feel grounded and peaceful within the activities I’m doing?”
—Emmalee Bierly, marriage and family therapist
She believes women often base their expectations for themselves off of their own mothers, who were conditioned to be compliant and self-sacrificing, and that all parents have the opportunity to interrupt that cycle by honoring women’s needs.
Short-term vs long-term solutions
Bottom line: parents in the United States face significant hurdles when it comes to raising children. In the long term, these issues will likely continue without more support from policymakers and employers. Unfortunately, beyond advocating for broader changes, parents have no choice but to focus on their immediate needs. If finances are a big concern, you can research child care subsidies and ways to save on child care, and look into more affordable options such as hiring a mother’s helper.
“You’ll never regret having too much support,” says Yeh. “You’ll feel less stressed, and that impacts the family system in a positive way.”
