After suffering a series of falls last year, it became clear that my mother, who was already a decade into Parkinson’s, could no longer live by herself safely. My sister and I moved in with our mother to help care for her and, overnight, we became what are referred to as sandwich caregivers, those who simultaneously care for children and aging parents.
In addition to caring for my sister’s 4- and 12-year-old children, we also assumed responsibility of helping our mother with every aspect of daily life: cooking, cleaning, walking, and bathing, not to mention also having to takeover coordination and transportation to/from all medical appointments and handling all of her finances and extensive home repairs. Though we are lucky to have my sister’s husband to help out, at the end of the day, her children still run to her far more often than him when they are tired, sick, hungry or need help with homework. And though our mother has grown accustomed to having him help her with many tasks throughout the day, when it comes to the bathroom, she, understandably, prefers to have one of her daughters help out.
Our scenario is far from rare. According to research conducted by Harvard Business School Professor Joseph Fuller, 73% of all employees in the U.S. have some type of current caregiving responsibility, yet, as most employers don’t track caregiving status, they don’t offer the sort of benefits that would properly support these workers. And while Dr. Fuller’s research finds that one third of men change jobs when they become caregivers, the fact remains that women, more often than men, end up serving as sandwich caregivers to their aging loved ones and kids.
“As women have entered the workforce, their role as mother, daughter and caretaker has not been balanced out.”
— Sheila Moore, licensed clinical social worker with the Pacific Neuroscience Institute
The story on gender disparity among sandwich generation caregivers
According to Sheila Moore, a licensed clinical social worker with the Pacific Neuroscience Institute, sandwich caregivers are often forced to make difficult decisions on prioritizing their energies to care for their families. “Often faced with daunting ‘to-do’ lists and responsibilities, caregivers often sacrifice their own care and health for that of their families,” she notes.
And while Moore is clear that not all caregivers are women, she says that quite often, they are. She describes the phenomenon as being generational, as the role of caregiver may be assigned to a woman in the family by default. “As women have entered the workforce, their role as mother, daughter and caretaker has not been balanced out,” says Moore, who adds that driven by career demands, family responsibilities and the care of an aging parent, sandwich caregivers are at risk for depression, anxiety and other serious health issues.
Adding insult to injury: While working moms have never had it easy, balancing career and home life became even more difficult during the pandemic. A Women in the Workplace study found that one in three moms considered downshifting their work or leaving the workforce altogether in order to tend to responsibilities at home. And considering that women are still doing more housework than men, adding on a disproportionate share of sandwich caregiving responsibilities can make women even more prone to experiencing burnout.
Female sandwich caregivers are illustrating the value — and the toll — of unpaid caregiving
Eve Rodsky, the author of “Fair Play Life” and one of the co-founders of the newly-formed Fair Play Policy Institute, has studied and elevated the cultural conversation about the value of unpaid labor and care. According to Rodsky, much of the problem stems from the fact that society doesn’t prioritize supporting women in their caregiving duties because doing so would require an acknowledgment that caregiving work has value.
“It benefits the powers that be that women do $1.9 trillion of unpaid labor globally each year,” says Rodsky.
Rosalina Colón, a hairdresser and single mother of three in Milwaukee, is one of these unpaid caregivers. Colón is experiencing both female-specific challenges and also those unique to Hispanic caregivers, such as possessing an especially strong sense of duty to care for aging parents.
Not only has caring for her aging mother, who suffers from dementia, been physically and emotionally draining for her, but she has also worried about the impact on her children. “One of my (13-year-old) daughters stopped going out with her friends because she felt so guilty leaving grandma at home by herself,” explains Colón. While this daughter felt compelled to stay close to her abuela, her 7-year-old brother began withdrawing, becoming jealous that grandma was assuming much of the attention that he used to receive.
“It benefits the powers that be that women do $1.9 trillion of unpaid labor globally each year.”
— Eve Rodsky, author of “Fair Play Life”
Healthy coping strategies for sandwich generation caregivers
Christine Maxwell, a licensed clinical professional counselor at Northwestern Medicine’s Ben Gordon Center in Greater DeKalb County, Illinois, says that when caregivers try to prioritize self-care, they tend to experience guilt and shame. She stresses the importance of caregivers taking the time to care for themselves as they need it — which benefits both the caregiver and person or people they care for.
“If we are constantly pouring from our cup into others’ cups, eventually, our cup becomes empty,” says Maxwell. “If we set self-care and healthy coping as a priority, it will allow us to refill our cup and be better able to assist ourselves and others.”
While leaning on family members for support, hiring help, speaking with a therapist and taking time off to get a massage are great ways that sandwich caregivers can manage stress, Maxwell acknowledges that it can be challenging to step away from your responsibilities to an aging loved one and children. As such, she encourages caregivers to incorporate some of the following self-care and coping strategies into their normal routines.
- Play your favorite music while completing tasks or stop what you’re doing to listen to a great song
- While running errands around town, stop for a few minutes in-between stores to stand and feel the sun on your skin.
- Pause before tackling a difficult task.
- Intentionally slow yourself down and focus on breathing.
- At the end of a stressful day, focus on sore muscles by tightening and relaxing them as a form of progressive muscle relaxation.
According to Maxwell, if you’re intentional about incorporating even small moments of self-care into your day, you can shift your attitude — and come away feeling rejuvenated. Women may not be the only ones caring for both aging parents and children but they are more likely to find themselves in this situation so it’s especially important that they can work in care for themselves.
The bottom line: More often than not, women are the ones facing this uphill battle. While we, as a society, need more solutions, anyone facing this struggle should know they are far from alone, and there are resources to ease the burden.
And for everyone out there that may know a woman who is a sandwich caregiver, know that helping out in the smallest way will be more meaningful than you could imagine. From offering to babysit, pick up groceries or even coming over to do a load of dishes, you can help her find that moment of relaxation that just might be the best part of her day.
