“I swear, they’re not normally like this. They’re so easy on their own! They were totally fine five minutes ago when it was just the two of us!” Ever uttered — or thought — these words when your young child suddenly starts acting out in front of others? You’re not alone.
“Whether it’s where they are, who they’re with or what they know about a place, the context of a child’s environment is important and can affect how they act,” explains Tovah Klein, who holds her doctorate in clinical and developmental psychology and is director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development and author of “How Toddlers Thrive.” “For instance, if a child is used to going to the library with just mom, they’ve come to think of it as calm, one-on-one time. But if they see a friend there, the context and cues are different. Things have been switched around, which causes an arousal of their nervous system, and in turn, leads to different behaviors.”
Put another way: The child’s system is totally out of whack, and their behavior shows it. While this is completely normal for kids, it can be frustrating and difficult for parents and caregivers to navigate. Here’s how the experts recommend handling it.
“Whether it’s where they are, who they’re with or what they know about a place, the context of a child’s environment is important and can affect how they act.”
—Tovah Klein, author of “How Toddlers Thrive”
Why do kids act up when other kids are around?
Think about it this way: When you go to a party, you might feel amped up, affected by the energy of the new-to-you environment and the people you don’t see every day. But you’re an adult with coping mechanisms (such as talking yourself down internally), so you know how to act in a socially appropriate way. Kids, especially young ones, haven’t yet developed such a skill set.
According to Klein, when a child acts out in front of others when they’re with you, it’s simply because kids “are little people who are still learning about the world.” “When a child is around friends or an older sibling’s friends, they may feel excited or frustrated, and they don’t know how to act yet,” Klein explains. “They’re not, contrary to what some parents think, being ‘bad.’ Their system is just aroused.”
“When a child is around friends or an older sibling’s friends, they may feel excited or frustrated and they don’t know how to act yet. They’re not, contrary to what some parents think, being ‘bad. Their system is just aroused.”
—Tovah Klein, author of “How Toddlers Thrive”
Why is my child “well-behaved” around others when I’m not there?
While kids may let it all hang out, so to speak, when they have a friend over for a playdate, there’s a good chance they’re still perfectly mild mannered and “well-behaved” at school or day care (read: when you’re not there). The reason: They feel most comfortable around you.
“When kids are around others, especially other people of authority, they may not feel comfortable letting their guard down or relying on that person for comfort and support — so they become more reserved or shy,” notes Lena Suarez-Angelino, a licensed clinical social worker and empowerment coach in Woodbridge, New Jersey. “When a child becomes more timid, reserved or shy, they are perceived as being more well-behaved. While [seemingly unruly behavior] may feel frustrating as a parent, this shows that you are their safe space.”
“It’s common for kids to only act out at home or when they’re with their parents,” adds Hailey Shafir, a licensed clinical mental health counselor in Raleigh, North Carolina. “Children typically behave ‘well’ in day care or school because they aren’t sure how others will respond or what kind of trouble they will get into. But they know exactly how their parents will respond. As a rule, young kids usually only act out with adults they feel safe around.”
So, when you’re there, and your child is around people they’re not always with, it’s a convergence of events that can result in them “acting out.” The reason: They’re with their safe person (you) and their system is aroused, given the context of their environment.
How do friends influence a child’s behavior?
As Suarez-Angelino points out, another variable that contributes to this “perfect storm” is the symbiotic nature of children’s friendships and relationships. “We all remember the ‘class clown’ in school, who was fueled by how many classmates they could make laugh,” she notes. “Friends can certainly influence a child’s behavior for a variety of reasons.”
Among these common behavior triggers, Suarez-Angelino mentions these scenarios:
- Kids may be initiating their friend’s behaviors and not acting like themselves as a result.
- Their friend may not have received the same type of parenting style or modeling; therefore, the rules and expectations are going to be different.
- Kids may also misbehave to try to impress their friends, especially when put in a situation where they are being perceived as ‘cool’ or ‘in charge.’
“We all remember the ‘class clown’ in school, who was fueled by how many classmates they could make laugh. Friends can certainly influence a child’s behavior for a variety of reasons.”
—Lena Suarez-Angelino, licensed clinical social worker
In short: There are a lot of variables at play when you’re with your child and the situation or people are out of the norm. The million dollar question, of course, is: What do you do about it?
What do you do when a child misbehaves in front of others?
There are a few steps you can take to mitigate or prevent “wild” behavior in front of others.
Preempt the situation
According to Klein, when you’re going to be in an out-of-the-ordinary situation with a child, it’s a good idea to anticipate typical behavior triggers. “If you know you’re going into a situation that’s going to set your child off, such as a sibling’s birthday party, talk to them beforehand,” she says. “You can tell them why their sibling will be getting attention and how it may make them feel — nervous, excited; name the emotions. Then lay some ground rules in a positive way. You can tell them that they’re going to sit with you and eventually help pass out plates, for instance.”
Leave (and then deal with) the situation
If, despite your efforts on the front end, a tantrum or behavior inappropriate for the situation ensues, Klein advises putting your hands on your child and calmly saying: “We can’t do that here.” If the behavior doesn’t stop, you may need to remove your child from the situation — but don’t blame them or their feelings.
“If your child is upset and protesting, they have the right to be mad,” Klein says. “You can tell them that, but let them know that they can’t act out in the library or at their sister’s birthday party.” Klein also notes that it’s helpful to label and name what was exciting them and causing the behavior.
Rough? Yes. But you need to just take charge and get through it. “When kids are overwhelmed, you need to take over, be the adult and the one to say: I’ve got this,” Klein continues. “Parents often get concerned about being embarrassed, but when you do that, you’re losing focus on what your child needs in that moment, and in turn, they pick up on your anxiety.”
“Parents often get concerned about being embarrassed, but when you do that you’re losing focus on what your child needs in that moment, and in turn, they pick up on your anxiety.”
—Tovah Klein, author of “How Toddlers Thrive”
Be consistent
Consistency is the key when it comes to discipline, notes Sharif, so it’s important to always have a consistent set of rules and consequences for breaking these rules. “The consequences should be given immediately, and parents should try to remain calm when giving them,” Sharif explains. “This way, the child does not feel as though he is being punished for making the parent upset, but instead for specific behavior. Over time, this usually is an effective way to stop behaviors you don’t want kids to do.”
“And at the same time, it’s equally important to reward kids for good behaviors,” she continues. “This is a way of reinforcing good behavior and can be done through praise, giving them more attention or giving them a small treat or reward for being well-behaved.”
Common scenarios and how to handle them
Try enlisting these expert-backed solutions to these common toddler and preschooler scenarios.
Scenario #1: The child has a friend over and starts doing things they normally don’t do, such as going into their brother’s room or taking out the collector’s edition of Scrabble.
Solution: Prep kids beforehand and enlist them to “make the rules.”
“Home is where everyone is most comfortable, so having a friend ‘invade’ a child’s space can feel intrusive,” explains Klein, adding that it’s an out-of-context situation, which can cause arousal to their nervous system, and in turn, out of the ordinary behavior. (Also, Klein notes, it’s a chance for them to show off.)
“Name what may happen before it happens,” continues Klein. “Tell them that when their friend comes over, it will be exciting, and then have them help make the rules by asking them which places are OK to go with their friend and which are not.”
Scenario #2: An older sibling has friends over, and the younger child starts acting out to show off for them.
Solution: Schedule one-on-one time.
If possible, Klein advises scheduling playdates for all siblings at the same time, but if that’s not possible, be the younger child’s “playdate.” “When younger siblings show off in front of an older sibling’s friends, it’s an attempt to get attention, so try engaging in a one-on-one activity,” Sharif says. “For example, you could try to play a game with them or have them help you with a task, giving older children some time with their friend alone.”
Scenario #3: Your normally kind preschooler is on the playground with “big kids.” They see a friend from school and ignore them (or even run away!).
Solution: “Young kids often look up to older kids and will try really hard to be more like them or to seem ‘cool’ in order to get them to like and play with them,” Sharif explains. “Talking with a preschooler about the importance of treating their friends nicely is important in teaching them social skills, including how to maintain friendships. You can also use this as an opportunity to teach children empathy by saying something like: ‘How would you feel if your friend treated you that way?’”
The bottom line
It’s important to remember that kids are, well, kids, and they’re learning by trial and error. “[You] shouldn’t micromanage every social interaction kids have, which is why preempting is important,” Klein explains. “Kids do nice things together and kids do not-so nice things together. Give them some space to figure things out without commenting.”
“One of the big lessons of parenthood is figuring out how to step back and give kids some latitude,” Klein continues. “Kids count on their parents to allow them to be themselves, so sometimes we have to just move back and watch — even though it’s not always going to be beautiful.”
