When your child says, “I hate school,” it’s normal to be concerned for their safety and their future. Before you panic, it’s important to explore whether your child’s disdain for school is a short-term struggle or a long-term concern that requires calculated intervention.
Devon Breithart, a school-based occupational therapist, says some kids will tell you directly that they don’t like or even hate school. “And as much as no family wants to hear that from their child, how we respond is important,” she adds. “If your child shares a sentiment like this with you, listen and get curious. Resist the urge to give counterexamples and instead validate and reflect their emotions and experiences to them.”
Is it frustration with the routine or something more serious? We’ll never know without listening to our children. Here’s how to investigate when kids say they hate school and how to help them heal their relationship with learning and start to re-engage.
Why do kids not like school?
There are countless reasons your child might say — or show — they hate school. The reason could be as small as needing an earlier bedtime or as big as not feeling represented in the curriculum or struggling to connect with teachers or peers. Our experts note that some common challenges that lead to school aversion are:
- Struggling to make friends.
- Poor teacher-student relationships.
- Difficulty grasping classroom materials.
- Lack of safety and understanding.
- Discrimination or lack of belonging.
Dr. Krista Edwards, a school psychologist and co-founder of the Black School Psychologists Network, Inc., says sometimes kids don’t like school because it is not a safe space for them. Experiences like bullying, racism and academic challenges add to their feelings of discomfort and can trigger their stress responses. “Many youth of color might not see themselves in the curriculum, literature or even the demographic make-up of the staff. Sometimes they may be the only student who looks like them in a class,” she says.
Research highlights “school liking” as a major component in student engagement, well-being and academic achievement. Short-term dislike of school is common, but long-term dislike can come from academic difficulties and feelings of failure, and it has serious consequences.
Often, disdain for school can lead to school refusal, or when a student can’t attend school due to intense fear and anxiety. School refusal (sometimes called school aversion) can be caused by a specific challenge your child doesn’t know how to overcome or a mental health struggle like separation anxiety, social anxiety, depression or panic disorder.
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How to tell your child is struggling at school
Edwards says caregivers can differentiate between typical school frustration and more severe issues by being observant, checking in with their child daily and paying attention to the following signs and symptoms:
- Excessive crying or running away from the school building during drop-off.
- Skipping school.
- Persistent sadness, anxiety, anger, irritability or expressions of hopelessness.
- Reduced interest in things they used to enjoy.
- Excessive time spent on devices, sleeping, staying awake or isolating themselves.
- Complaining of headaches, stomachaches or other physical symptoms to avoid going to school.
- A change in academic performance, such as drops in grades, loss of interest in schoolwork or difficulty concentrating.
Breithart notes that not every kid — especially those who are neurodivergent — will express their concerns so plainly. She suggests paying close attention to their moods before and after school and comparing them to non-school days or breaks.
Allow your child to tell you how they feel about school, rather than assuming, she advises. One of the easiest ways to do this is to ask them to express it verbally or with a picture. Breithart recommends parents start an open and transparent conversation with their child using the following language as an example: “I notice it’s taking you longer to get ready for school in the morning, and we’ve been late a few times. I’m worried that you don’t enjoy school. Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?”
“Some kids, especially if they’re neurodivergent, need some time to decompress right after school.”
—Devon Breithart, school-based occupational therapist
Ensuring that your phrasing is developmentally appropriate is critical, especially for neurodivergent students. If your child isn’t much of a talker, a picture, puppet show or using a toy to represent themselves can be helpful, too. “Consider asking them to draw a picture or a comic of a happy student at school and then an unhappy student at school,” she says.
Once you’ve opened a dialogue regarding how your child feels about school, you’re ready to take action.
My child hates school — now what?
It’s normal to be concerned if your child says they hate school, but there are things you can do to help.
Make check-ins a regular practice
Regular after-school check-ins help assess your child’s needs, but you’ll have to go deeper than “how was your day?”
Breithart suggests using the “rose and thorn” technique, which involves asking your child what their “rose”, or the best part of their school day, and their “thorn,” or the most challenging part, was each day. Additionally, use these tips for better conversations:
- Create a safe, judgment-free environment.
- Remind them you care.
- Ask open-ended questions (“How was math class today?” instead of “Did you have a good day?).
- Ensure your tone of voice is calm and your body language is open.
- For small children, meet them where they are physically (i.e., crouch down and meet them at their level).
“Some kids, especially if they’re neurodivergent, need some time to decompress right after school,” Breithart adds, noting that during dinner or just before bed might be a better time to talk. “Giving them multiple ways to respond, like drawing, writing or even choosing options from a list is helpful here, too.”
If you can’t get your child to open up, it can be helpful to have them speak to a school psychologist, child therapist or play therapist.
“As humans, we cannot reason until we are regulated, so caregivers cannot expect their child to reason effectively until the child is emotionally regulated and calm.”
—Dr. Krista Edwards, school psychologist and co-founder of the Black School Psychologists Network, Inc.
Connect and collaborate with your child’s learning team
After you have insight into the issues your child is facing, you should connect with your child’s teacher and educational support team. If they receive additional support from an occupational therapist, mental health professional or anyone else, it’s worth including them, too.
“I recommend starting with an email [to the teacher], rather than trying to check in at drop-off or pick-up, says Breithart, noting that educators are often stretched thin. “This will give the teacher time to respond thoughtfully and intentionally. They can give more insight into how your child is doing with academics, social-emotional skills, executive function, etc.”
If you’re concerned that a health-related condition, like anxiety or neurodivergence, plays a role, it’s a good idea to schedule an appointment with your pediatrician, too.
Stay involved in your child’s education
Knowing why your child has school issues is essential in helping them overcome them. “Caregivers can help foster a more positive relationship with school by maintaining open and ongoing communication, providing a supportive home environment and being actively involved in their child’s education,” Edwards says. This includes:
- Regular discussions about school experiences.
- Offering help with homework.
- Attending school events.
- Collaborating with teachers.
- Asking the school for resources to support your child.
Edwards says it is crucial to be mindful of the unique challenges that Black and other marginalized youth may face. “Listen to your child if they tell you they are experiencing racism or discrimination at school. Follow up with the school to ensure there is a plan to repair the harm that has been caused to your child and seek mental health support if they are still having challenges.”
Keep an eye out for more severe symptoms of struggle
“When students’ stress responses are activated in school, they might exhibit [difficult] behaviors,” Edwards says. These can include:
- Becoming confrontational.
- Avoiding tasks or leaving the classroom.
- Becoming unresponsive or shutting down.
- Excessively trying to please others to avoid conflict.
- Feelings of low self-esteem.
- A decreased sense of ethnic identity.
- Susceptibility to mental health issues, like depression or anxiety.
“As humans, we cannot reason until we are regulated,” Edwards explains, “so caregivers cannot expect their child to reason effectively until the child is emotionally regulated and calm, as heightened stress can impair their ability to think clearly and rationally.”
She encourages parents to look for behavior, mood and academic performance shifts. Communicating with your child and watching them over time lets you know when to seek an evaluation from a school psychologist or other mental health professional, Edwards explains.
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She adds that parents and guardians should also be aware of potential biases and discrimination kids may encounter at school and advocate for a fair and inclusive environment.
How to rebuild kids’ interest in school
After you’ve connected with your child, learned why they’re struggling with school and engaged their support team, it’s time to start working on rebuilding their relationship with the school.
It will take time, depending on the steps necessary to remedy this issue. However, research says incorporating their interests into their learning process can help make school more engaging.
1. Find ways to learn at home, too
Consider revisiting class topics from school as a family in a way that centers their interests. For example, if your child struggles to connect with material due to lack of representation, go over those materials using curriculum supplements with those who look like them.
2. Make the school environment more fun
Breithart notes volunteering at the school or making sure kids have classes of interest can help. “If that’s not possible at their grade level, advocate for them joining a club or after-school activity aligned with their interests,” says Breithart. “Facilitate playdates with peers from school.”
“Do not feel bad if you can’t do a lot of these things — they take time and resources not afforded to working families,” Breithart adds. “The most important part is letting your kid know their feelings matter to you.”
3. Work on coping skills together
Teaching coping skills for different social situations and social dilemmas can be effective in ensuring your children have tools to handle tough moments at school. Skill-building cards, like the Mind Brain Emotion series made by Dr. Jenny Woo, a former Montessori school director and cognitive science researcher, are perfect for these.
4. Celebrate the good days — and the bad ones
Celebrate good days with their favorite treats or games. Use bad days as a chance to learn what parts of the day were hard and work on those struggles. Breithart says letting them know you care about their feelings and want them to be happy at school is important.
5. Seek support from professionals
Connect with a therapist for strategies to do at home to improve kids’ school experience. They can not only help kids work through emotions, but also suggest practical strategies to address school work, social pressures and more. Additionally, connect with the counselor at your child’s school or other education professionals to explore all available school options for your child.
The bottom line
It’s concerning when your child says they don’t like school, but disliking certain parts of school is normal. Occasionally, you’ll need to dig deeper to see if something more serious is causing their reaction. Connecting with their educational team, exploring their relationship with their teacher and peers and ensuring they understand the curriculum will address most issues.
Talking to your child about their experience is also vital. “Having a thoughtful, involved parent is the biggest predictor of success in school for children. The fact that you’re reading this article shows how much you care about your children and their well-being,” says Breithart. “You’ve got this!”
