As your parents age, there’s one major decision they will hopefully be lucky enough to need to make: where they want to spend their final days, months or years. But sometimes the decision isn’t up to only them — especially if their ideal option is moving in with you.
Discussing your senior parent’s living arrangements is difficult for any adult child — especially when you know your new roommate is someone you’ll ultimately have to care for, says Ana De La Cruz, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Florida.
According to the Care.com 2021 Senior Care Outlook Survey, 53% of adult children anticipate that talking through senior care options with their loved ones will be difficult. And that conversation could get even tougher if your aging loved one catches you off-guard, asking to move in with you when they are seemingly healthy, active and long from needing a caregiver.
Here’s everything experts say you need to know about this challenging conversation and major decision.
Why it’s important to address the topic early
“It is incredibly helpful to begin this discussion when there is time to gather information, research care options and make a decision without pressure or emotionality,” says Alicea Ardito, a licensed clinical social worker in Virginia who works with issues facing the “sandwich generation” and planning for older adults.
The alternative — having to make the decision to move an aging loved one into your home in an urgent way following a medical issue, death of a spouse or financial hardship — can be even more challenging as emotions are heightened, explains Ardito.
She adds that the pandemic has left some older adults feeling unprepared or fearful about what the future may bring. For others, there may be financial issues and emotional concerns exacerbated by the pandemic. For that reason, having these conversations sooner rather than later can bolster feelings of security and preparedness.
“Caring for an aging loved one can be incredibly rewarding, however, the dynamics of your entire lifestyle are likely to change.”
— Ana De La Cruz, licensed marriage and family therapist
How to decide what’s right for you
When your aging loved one broaches the topic of living together, you might finding yourself wondering the following, according to Nicole Brackett, care delivery and education manager at Homewatch CareGivers:
- What kind of care will they need?
- How much supervision can I provide while working and taking care of a family?
- What are safety hazards in my home?
If you feel uncertain, apprehensive or ambivalent about the idea, know that you are not alone, and these are normal feelings to have around this decision, says Ardito. “Caring for an aging loved one can be incredibly rewarding, and a mutually beneficial experience, however, the dynamics of your entire household and lifestyle are likely to change,” she adds.
Before making this life-changing decision for you and your loved ones, take the following aspects into consideration:
The logistics
Dannelle Gay, a family caregiver who runs the blog They Are Getting Old, recommends considering whether you have the space for your loved one. For instance, is there an extra room? Is it handicap accessible or can it be made accessible if needed in the future? Do they need special care that you’re able to provide when it comes to medication, memory or mobility issues?
The family dynamics
Multigenerational households can be challenging to transition to and manage. “Do you have young kids? They may love each other but being too close together can cause strife,” says Gay. Plus, a 6-year-old isn’t going to be consistently quiet “and that might get on the nerves of a senior who is used to calm and quiet.”
The emotional toll
Living with a senior, whether they need minimal or constant care, can be both physically and emotionally taxing, especially if you have a “judgy” housemate. “Be prepared to possibly get critiqued on your parenting, meal planning, cooking, cleaning, priorities, etc. — and the proffered advice is usually out of date,” says Gay. “My mother-in-law insisted I should be giving my 6-month-old bottles of water to ‘fill her up’ between meals — which is a dangerous idea because of water intoxication.”
The amount of care they need
What type of care will you be responsible for, and what type of support system do you have to help both you and your loved one? And if they require full-time care, will you have the opportunity for respite?
Your existing household
In addition to the practicalities of your schedule as well as your own personal needs and habits, you should also take into consideration each of the other residents already living in your home. “You’ll want to be sure that everyone in your home, including your partner, children and/or pets will be willing and able to adapt to the change,” says Brackett.
Your aging loved one’s perspective
“Aging can be a very isolating experience, and although an assisted living facility or nursing home may seem full of capable workers and friendly fellow seniors, your loved one may be specifically yearning for the intimate environment of their family, to provide some familiarity in this transition period,” reminds Brackett. ”Loneliness is an epidemic, particularly among older adults who, as a result of illness, may find themselves alone and unable to have meaningful connections.”
Hearing loss, dementia and many other conditions can also make it difficult to strike up new relationships in an unfamiliar place.
The pros
Consider any financial benefit of living with your aging loved one. “Their property could be sold and the money invested for their care costs going forward,” says Gay. “We figure it cost about $400,000 over five years for my father-in-law to be in a memory care unit for the last few years of his life — and that was with insurance.”
The cons
Certain negatives could include increased responsibilities that can be overwhelming, a disruption with your partner or children, higher routine costs such as groceries, laundry and utility bills from the added resident in your home and the possibility of an awkward transition for you and your parent as you switch your respective roles and begin to serve as their caretaker.
Your short- and long-term plans
Are you prepared to have your parent live with you for another 10 or 15 years or just for a year before they go to stay with another family member? Or is the goal for your loved one to stay with you until they need more support and then move into a nursing home?
Independent research
Information is powerful, notes Ardito, and sometimes a clear choice may become obvious after learning more about other options, potential expenses, logistics and concerns.
“Working through the decision from a logical, rather than emotional, lens also can be helpful,” she adds. “Enlist the assistance of trusted professionals who can assist you to gather more information, as there are many specialists in financial, healthcare, geriatric care and counseling.”
“Be sure that everyone in your home will be willing and able to adapt to the change.”
— Nicole Brackett, care delivery and education manager
What to do when the answer is no
If you’re positive that you don’t want your aging loved one(s) to move in with you or it simply isn’t an option for whatever reason, there are ways to help break this potentially difficult news.
Get armed with alternatives
Gay recommends starting to look into alternatives like aging in place or finding a community with a strong social component so you’re armed with positive information to share along with your “bad” news. This way, they won’t feel hopeless and as though they’re being left with a worst case scenario.
Be intentional with how you frame the conversation
Use the same philosophy that you engage in when working with young children, Gay advises. Offer them a choice between things that are acceptable to you, she suggests. “You don’t ask a 4-year-old what they want for breakfast, you ask if they want Cheerios or scrambled eggs,” she says.
After doing your research, you’ll be prepared to come into the conversation with a few options from the start. “This gives them the illusion of control — yet they are working with choices you approve of,” she adds.
Practice
Before delivering the news, do a trial run of what you will say ahead of time by writing it in a letter or trying it out with a neutral party, such as a friend or co-worker who is not involved in your family’s care decisions. “You might also try writing a letter to yourself from their perspective when you have this talk to help you think through both sides,” suggests Brackett.
Reassure them that they aren’t alone
Clearly communicate to your loved one that you want to work together with them in making this decision in their best interest, and remind them that you want the best care for them. “Share with them how you can be part of their care team if they choose in-home care or look for a facility near you and make a schedule for visiting so it’s clear this is about boundaries and not a lack of how much you care,” she says.
Start from a common goal
Start with establishing mutual priorities like safety, security, feeling connected, preventing loneliness or isolation and maximizing financial resources. Then, work from there to discuss other options that are better suited to meeting these goals.
Ultimately, the more you can communicate, the easier it’ll be to come to a decision that’s in your own — and your aging loved one’s — best interests.
