The actual birthing of a tiny human often falls on one parent (we see you, moms). But bringing baby home is a family affair — both a joy and responsibility that new moms and dads, birthing and non-birthing parents, should be afforded with parental leave from work. This includes maternity and paternity leave policies that allow them to focus on the important job of bonding with a new baby and adapting to new family dynamics. Yet, on a federal level, only 56% of US employees are guaranteed up to 12 weeks of unpaid parental leave at their places of employment should they become parents. Paid policies are dependent upon the state in which one lives or the employer that one works for, but overall, policies do not even begin to address continued barriers to taking one’s full parental leave or taking leave at all — specifically for dads wanting to take advantage of paternity leave benefits.
“Fathers are most often the primary income providers, and if leave is unpaid or partially paid, they feel pressure to provide, especially if they are temporarily losing their spouse’s income,” explains Scott Behson, professor of management at Fairleigh Dickinson University and author of the books “The Working Dad’s Survival Guide” and “The Whole-Person Workplace.” “Others fear how they will be perceived in the workplace if they take an extended parental leave.” That means that both policy and cultural perceptions need to change. Here, experts share what paternity leave is in particular and how dads can make the most of whatever time they can take.
What is paternity leave?
Paternity leave is “time off work for the birth of a child, specifically for fathers,” explains Richard Petts, professor of sociology at Ball State University. This differs from maternity leave, which is time off specifically for mothers, and parental leave policies that offer time off from work for all new parents.
The term “family leave” is being recognized as a more gender-neutral term for time off for parents at the birth of a child or for other family-related situations, adds Behson.
Of course, it might be considered “time off” from one’s employment — but it is very much about putting the time in at home and being present, which to Laurent Vauthrin, a New York City-based dad of three, meant taking on newborn-related responsibilities, like changing diapers, going for walks with the stroller and getting up in the middle of night to soothe baby’s fussiness. “Not only did it allow me to start forming a bond when my kids were babies but it also allowed me to develop a new type of bond with my wife,” says Vauthrin. “Things change a lot during this period, and you need to make sure you’re growing into this new time with your partner.”
“Not only did [leave] allow me to start forming a bond when my kids were babies, but it also allowed me to develop a new type of bond with my wife. Things change a lot during this period, and you need to make sure you’re growing into this new time with your partner.”
— Laurent Vauthrin, a New York City-based dad of three
What are paternity leave laws in the US?
Simply put, there are no specific paternity leave laws at the federal or state level in the US, as policies are not gender-specific. Rather, the United States only offers unpaid leave of up to 12 weeks to employees for medical or family issues, including the birth of a baby or an adoption, through the Family and Medical Act (FMLA). Employees, though, have to qualify for this program, as it requires individuals to be public employees or to have worked for a year for a certain number of hours at a company with 50 employees or more.
And forget about federal paid benefits: “The US is the only developed economy not to provide any paid maternity leave, and is on a short list of countries not offering paid paternity leave,” notes Behson.
On the state level, 13 states and the District of Columbia offer paid family leave for six to 12 weeks depending on the state, for both mothers and fathers, birthing and non-birthing parents, meeting certain eligibility requirements. Behson says these programs provide job security (employers are required to hold a new parent’s position) and wage replacement “up to a maximum so that low-income earners get full replacement but higher earners get a percentage on a sliding scale.”
Many employers do offer more generous paid parental leave with a variety of policies in place, most of which offer longer periods to birthing parents than non-birthing parents, across the private sector. Dads we spoke to, like Vauthrin, cited having four months of paid time that they could take within the year of their baby’s birth, which allows for both immediate bonding time and the ability for two parents to stagger their leave throughout their baby’s first year. This sets a wonderful precedent and example for companies to offer paid parental leave for all parents and all types of families.
In general, “‘white collar’ employers are far more likely to [offer these policies], meaning that those who need the most assistance are least likely to have access,” points out Behson.
Why is it important for dads and non-birthing parents to have leave?
The experts we spoke to agree that leave for dads and non-birthing partners has long-term benefits for both them and their families — from the connection established between baby and parent during this time to the structural and emotional frameworks that get put into place at home.
“Paternity leave was this incredibly special moment in my life when I could dedicate 100% of my time to my family without the stress and anxieties that come from having a demanding job,” explains Ethan Arpi, a Brooklyn, New York dad of two, who was able to break up a four-month leave to best bond with and support the needs of his family.
“Paternity leave was this incredibly special moment in my life when I could dedicate 100% of my time to my family without the stress and anxieties that come from having a demanding job.”
— Ethan Arpi, a Brooklyn, New York dad of two
Specifically, paternity leave is so important because it:
Provides an opportunity to bond with baby
It might seem obvious that this time allows fathers to be more engaged parents in the moment, but it also seems to have ongoing positive effects for dads and their children. Petts says that, according to his research, in situations where fathers take at least two weeks of leave, later on “children report feeling closer to their fathers, that their fathers are more involved in their lives, and that they can communicate with their fathers better compared to children whose fathers did not take leave.” Petts explains that this is due, in part, to the fact that “longer paternity leave increases father involvement and promotes stronger relationships between parents, which in turn leads to better father-child relationships later in childhood.”
Helps parents learn how to work together
“Taking paternity leave allows fathers to learn how to parent at the same time as mothers,” explains Petts. “They can develop shared routines and establish co-parenting patterns together. This reduces the likelihood that mothers become the parenting ‘expert,’ and fathers fall into the role of secondary parents” — which is a common dynamic in many families for various reasons.
Of course, this can be true for any type of parenting partnership, although Petts notes that “same-gender couples are actually more likely to equally share household tasks.”
Makes for a more egalitarian household
Time spent learning how to initially parent together “sets more equal patterns of caretaking and paid work,” explains Behson. “It creates more egalitarian households for the long-term in terms of child care, housework and paid work opportunities.” Even if one parent ends up being the primary caregiver, there is presumably more understanding around shared parenting and household responsibilities.
Allows time for birthing partners to recover
Dads and non-birthing parents clearly do not have to spend their leave physically recovering from childbirth, but they can help moms and birthing parents by allowing them more time to rest and get their own bearings as new parents. Of this time, Vauthrin recalls making sure his wife could both nap when she needed and have some time for herself to do things like get her nails done. He also tried to take on the more physically demanding activities at home. For Arpi that included cooking, cleaning and caring for the dogs. He’d also make sure his wife’s water bottle was always filled and that she had a granola bar by her side.
Gives parents a new perspective
Once they return to the workplace, fathers often have a new perspective on work-family challenges that make them more empathetic and effective leaders, explains Behson.
Their partners might also see them in a different way, as Petts explains that his research finds that “mothers report higher relationship satisfaction and greater co-parenting support when fathers take leave.”
May help dads’ brains adapt
Similar to how moms’ brains change with parenthood, Darby Saxbe, a professor of psychology at the University of Southern California, suggests that dads’ brains also change with the transition to parenthood, albeit in more subtle and variable ways.
“We found that fathers’ brain change was linked with their motivation to spend time with their infants and their early bonding with infants,” explains Saxbe, whose research found that this brain change was also linked to worse sleep and an increased risk for postpartum depression in dads. She speculates that “since paternity leave is a policy that boosts time with infants and reduces stress and mental health challenges, it may help dads adapt neurobiologically to new parenthood.”
How can dads and non-birthing parents make the most of their leave?
Dads and other non-birthing parents should simply dive in — taking in both the cuddles and snuggles, as well as the dirty diapers and the daily vigilance that comes along with making sure a newborn is thriving. “The only two things dads can’t do that moms can do are give birth and breastfeed,” says Behson. “They can do everything else with a bit of practice.” According to experts and dads, this includes (but is certainly not limited to) the following advice.
Become fully involved with child care and household duties
“Diapers, bottles, onesies, playtime,” notes Behson, “it’s all a matter of doing it a few times to get into a rhythm.” That also goes for household chores — which certainly increase when there is baby laundry … and bottles … and spit up … oh my!
“Since paternity leave is a policy that boosts time with infants and reduces stress and mental health challenges, it may help dads adapt neurobiologically to new parenthood.”
— Darby Saxbe, a professor of psychology at the University of Southern California
Learn how to parent as partners
“By learning how to do things together, it is more likely that parents can establish a more equal division of [parenting] tasks,” explains Petts of partners being able to take turns and share responsibilities so that parents never feel like they are doing it all without any support.
Petts adds that evidence shows that egalitarian sharing, and paternity leave in general, helps “promote relationship satisfaction and quality” as well as stability: “This is important for both parents and children; parents’ relationships are important for their own well-being, and children are more likely to thrive in stable, happy homes.”
Take complete ownership of certain tasks
That doesn’t mean only learning how to complete one task. It means viewing certain tasks as their own. Petts describes how a new dad can “be in charge of cleaning and sanitizing all of the bottles and making sure that there are always fresh bottles available.” He explains, “By performing all aspects of this task (including the planning ahead), this becomes one less thing that mothers have to think about.”
This can also be true for dads who cannot take a formal paternity leave from work. “Instead of asking mothers what they can help with, fathers can take full responsibility for child care for a period of time and allow mothers to recover from childbirth, sleep, work, or simply have a break,” Petts adds. “Having to take full responsibility increases the likelihood that fathers will gain confidence in performing these tasks and become more comfortable in being an active caregiver.”
Set up daily rituals
Sure, new parents are often beholden to their baby’s eat, sleep, poop cycle — but they can also carve out moments that, say, help them break up that (albeit adorable and short-lived) routine with their little one in tow. Arpi says that his leave with his first baby “involved lots of late night feedings and early mornings just hanging out doing tummy time and listening to the ‘Aladdin’ soundtrack” — but he had a morning ritual of running out with his dogs and his baby in the carrier to get coffee. “It kept me sane, got me out of the house and gave me a much needed jolt of caffeine,” he says.
Make time for older children
Each time a newborn is added to the family, there is a new dynamic — and that means not only having to worry about a new baby and one’s partner, but older children, too.
“For the first two kids, it was mostly about bonding, learning how to be a father and trying to help as much as I could,” says Vauthrin, whose leave was longer the third time around. “For the third, I also got to bond with my other two children more while my wife focused more on the baby. For example, I was able to go on more school field trips with the kids and participate more in their after-school activities.”
Spend time with your partner and family
Family leave is exactly that. It doesn’t just mean bonding time for parents and newborns. It also includes spending time as a new family unit, exploring old and new routines, experiencing new baby milestones together and perhaps even incorporating extended family into the mix (as long as that game plan is mutually agreed upon!).
The bottom line on taking and making the most of paternity leave
Overall, getting the most out of one’s leave comes down to simply diving into the day-to-day aspects of parenthood and leaving behind society’s “gendered ideas that men should be breadwinners and women should be caregivers,” says Petts. For so many families, though, that requires a shift in both policy and culture in the United States — and one that should be a top priority for all parents.
Of course, even without paternity leave, dads can still become great fathers. “It is certainly harder to balance work and family without leave, but fathers can be committed to helping out when they get home from work or taking some of the night shifts to give mothers a break,” notes Petts of taking responsibility in a hands-on way.
“The more you physically care for something, the deeper you come to emotionally care, so getting involved right away is important,” explains Behson. “Over time, co-parenting means not just the blocking and tackling but also taking responsibility for planning and what is called the ‘emotional load.’” And it’s not just sharing the emotional or mental load (which of course is welcome!) that is important as children grow. Parents want to be able to share all the new — new kinds of joy, new experiences, new moments — with their partners, especially in those very new first weeks.
Ultimately, being able to take paternity leave and maximizing how that time is spent helps lay the groundwork for more active parenting, which is a win-win for everyone in the family.“ I firmly believe that fathers, for too long, have been prevented from being as involved as they want to be,” continues Behson. “Paid parental leave enables fathers to be closer to the dads they wish to be.”
