As parents, we all wish we could figure out the best method or style in which to raise our kids. Should we offer them lots of independence and freedom, or will that backfire someday? Is structure and routine a better environment for them to thrive in? How do we avoid smothering them without also having them run amok?
While many parenting styles have emerged in recent years — from koala parenting to gentle parenting — there’s one approach that research says is one of the best: authoritative parenting. But what is authoritative parenting exactly, how will you know if it’s right for you and how will it benefit your child? Read what experts and authoritative parents have to say.
What are the four main parenting styles?
According to Kelsey M. Latimer, licensed clinical psychologist and owner/founder of KML Psychological Services, the four main parenting styles used in child psychology are authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and neglectful.
Authoritarian parenting
Authoritarian parenting focuses on the parent(s) ruling the home and not necessarily taking a child’s perspective into account, says Latimer, which can feel stifling and overwhelming to a child. “There may be some intensity on the parent’s part, lacking flexibility in situations and being very demanding of what must happen and when,” she says. “At the most extreme end of the spectrum, there may also be an abuse of power, though this is rare.”
Permissive parenting
On the other end of the spectrum, Latimer says, is permissive parenting, in which children run the household. In this case, there are few or no rules, she explains, and even when parents attempt to establish boundaries, the children don’t listen, leading parents to simply give in.
Neglectful parenting
Neglectful parenting is an extreme parenting style in which the parent is lacking any involvement in the child’s care emotionally and/or physically, says Latimer. Neglectful parenting might look like a caregiver failing to provide medical care or proper nutrition, leaving the child alone and unattended or being incapable to address the child’s emotional needs.
Authoritative parenting
You can think of authoritative parenting as a healthy balance that falls in the middle of all of these parenting styles, says Latimer. Authoritative parents use their power to guide and provide boundaries for the child.
“Authoritative parenting is a highly researched parenting style that is characterized by parents who are responsive to the needs of their child.”
—Tasha M. Brown, a New York-based clinical psychologist, parenting expert and founder of TMB Psychological Services
What is authoritative parenting?
“Authoritative parenting is a highly researched parenting style that is characterized by parents who are responsive to the needs of their child,” says Tasha M. Brown, a New York-based clinical psychologist, parenting expert and founder of TMB Psychological Services. Authoritative parents are nurturing and provide warmth and support while also setting clear boundaries and expectations, she explains.
Many pediatricians, psychologists and child experts refer to this as the “ideal” parenting approach, points out Brown, as it has been proven to yield positive outcomes for children’s mental health (more on this in a moment).
Unlike the similar-sounding authoritarian style, Latimer says authoritative parenting is not overprotective in nature as the child is allowed to “have a voice, push back healthily, make mistakes and have some flexibility.”
What are some examples of authoritative parenting?
Brown offers the following examples of what authoritative parenting might look like:
- Praising your child for their academic performance, which helps them feel supported and, in turn, encourages them to do their best.
- Telling your teen they must be home at 6 p.m. each night and explaining why, which offers clear and reasonable expectations of their behavior.
- Asking your child their opinion about an important household decision, which helps them feel that their input matters to their entire family.
- Taking the time to ensure your child understands the rules of the home and creating a space for open discussion. As a result, you’re simultaneously setting apparent boundaries and allowing them to voice their concerns.
“We involve our kids in every decision that directly affects them,” says Arlene Soto, an illustrator and mother of three in Thornton, Colorado. “From an early age, I would let them choose what they wanted to wear while giving seasonally-appropriate options, and now, they are older and have their own styles and understand why they have to wear certain things depending on the weather.”
When her youngest tries to put up a fight, she’ll have her go outside and physically check if the outfit is weather-appropriate, which generally ends the discussion. “Typically, she makes a better choice when she has all of the information,” says Soto.
How do you know authoritative parenting is right for you?
Some parents research parenting styles before their children are even born, while others simply figure out later on that they’ve been using this technique all along. Here are some ways to know if authoritative parenting is right for you.
It aligns with your personal values
For Shannon Brescher Shea, a science writer, mother of two neurodivergent children and author of “Growing Sustainable Together: Practical Resources for Raising Kind, Engaged, Resilient Children,” authoritative parenting meshed with her personal values. “I’m not a yeller and think wielding power over people is usually wrong, so I would never be an authoritarian parent,” she says. “Plus, I wanted my kids to learn to question authority, not automatically obey it.”
While she and her husband have the occasional disagreement on a tactic or decision, she says he’s fully onboard with their overall parenting style, as they share the same basic values.
“Authoritative parenting gives room for teaching ethics in a complex way, where kids learn to think about why the rules exist and how to follow them appropriately — and in some cases, not follow them.”
—Shannon Brescher Shea, a mom of two and author of “Growing Sustainable Together: Practical Resources for Raising Kind, Engaged, Resilient Children”
It offers the opportunity to teach ethics
Shea, who is based in Rockville, Maryland, says she knew permissive parenting didn’t work for her as she wanted her kids to act ethically and not just do whatever they wanted. “Authoritative parenting gives room for teaching ethics in a complex way, where kids learn to think about why the rules exist and how to follow them appropriately — and in some cases, not follow them,” she adds.
It allows you to break patterns that didn’t work for you
Although authoritative parenting now works for Soto’s family, she admits there were some initial challenges for her husband, who was not raised in an authoritative household. “Breaking generational patterns is hard,” she notes.
Soto isn’t alone. Brown says the values a family has, as well as their culture and the society in which they are raising their children, all heavily influence parenting styles. Essentially, there’s no specific right or wrong way to parent, but what worked for your parents and their culture may differ from how you decide to raise your own children.
What are the key benefits of authoritative parenting?
According to the experts we spoke to, authoritative parenting offers an array of mental and emotional benefits.
Fewer mental health challenges and better self-esteem
Research has shown that children raised by parents with an authoritative parenting style have decreased mental health concerns, points out Brown. The reason? Parents who subscribe to this parenting style are in tune with and responsive to their child’s emotional needs. In turn, research shows children learn how to regulate their own emotions better.
Additionally, studies have also shown authoritative parenting leads to prosocial child behaviors (like comforting a peer who is hurt or sharing books and toys) and positive self-esteem.
More independence
Kids raised via authoritative parenting are generally more independent, which strengthens their problem-solving skills.
Shea has seen this benefit firsthand. Her kids recently put together their saved-up allowance to collectively buy the new Mario Bros game, “Super Mario Wonder.” “The big question was how they were going to share it,” she notes. “It’s been a big issue of contention in the past. Together — with some support from my husband — they decided they would play in co-op mode together for the first week, and then, switch off every day who could play it after that.”
Authoritative parenting has also given Shea’s kids space to self-advocate in respectful ways. “My older son needs a lot of independent free time,” she explains. “He requested that we generally not schedule more than one big family activity on a weekend, except for extenuating circumstances. We’ve really tried to stick with that, and it’s made a huge difference in his mood.”
Greater academic success
Researchers note that parenting affects kids’ psychological well-being, such as motivation, self-esteem and psychological competence, all of which have strong implications on adolescents’ school performance.
Given all the psychological benefits of authoritative parenting, it’s no surprise that children of authoritative parents excel at school. In fact, studies have shown children raised via an authoritative parenting style experience higher levels of academic success compared to kids raised via other parenting styles, notes Brown.
The bottom line on authoritative parenting
While there are a variety of parenting styles to choose from, there’s no doubt that authoritative parenting can yield plenty of benefits for you and your family.
One of the greatest is an opportunity to model flexibility for your kids. Certain moments will call for you to be more firm and set clear boundaries. For instance, if your child is in danger or you’re contending with an extreme situation, you may not have time to fully explain what’s happening to your child or to adopt a warm tone, says Latimer. And other instances will call for being more lax.
Latimer acknowledges just how challenging this can be. But given the many benefits of authoritative parenting, adopting this parenting style is well worth the effort. As she concludes, “Authoritative parenting is really the way to go.”