It’s rare that we see examples of motherhood that aren’t rooted in sacrifice. TV, books and unsolicited opinions from loved ones often reveal a clear expectation that mothers should try their hardest to ensure their children feel loved and cared for at all times. But, there’s rarely that level of attention or support offered to help mothers care for themselves.
For mothers who do all they can to prioritize their children’s needs, it’s easy to find themselves feeling unfulfilled or like they’re pouring from an empty cup. “There’s so much expectation [placed on mothers] that the easiest thing to throw out the window is your self-care,” says Dr. Christine Rivera, a bilingual and bicultural licensed clinical psychologist. “If you’re constantly negating what your needs are in order to give to your child … then, very quickly, it’s easy to forget yourself.”
Self-care is essential for many parents who find they’re able to be better mothers when they care for themselves first. But, it’s not enough to just take a bubble bath or get out of the house for an hour. To truly feel nurtured and cared for, even as you care for others, you might need to create a self-care plan. Read on to learn what a self-care plan is and expert suggestions to start your own.
What is a self-care plan, and why do I need one?
A personal self-care plan is a blueprint intended to help someone incorporate small moments and acts of self-care into their regular routine. It usually includes concrete steps you can take to nurture yourself and prioritize your needs, especially in times of stress.
Having a self-care plan can help parents manage overwhelm better and help address burnout in motherhood. Recent data on motherhood and mental health from the SeekHer Foundation shows this matters because many mothers are struggling. According to the foundation’s 2023 report on women’s mental health:
- 32% of mothers say their greatest struggle is never having enough time to care for themselves.
- One in three mothers note facing unrealistically high expectations in their role as a mother.
- 47% of mothers say they carry 75% to 100% of household labor.
- Nearly 60% of mothers don’t feel supported in processing their feelings of overwhelm.
There is no one-size-fits-all solution to self-care. It requires making a plan that addresses your unique needs, interests and wellbeing. Yolanda Jenkins, a counselor and self-care and well-being strategist, says self-care has been commercialized as something you purchase, but it’s deeper than that. “Self-care is knowing yourself and what brings you joy and peace and fills your cup,” she explains.
Signs you can benefit from a self-care plan
Without adequate time for self-care, it’s normal to feel more dysregulated and reactive, Jenkins says. She adds that unaddressed self-care needs can impact one’s ability to show up for others, and they frequently manifest as:
- Grouchiness or irritation.
- Not making space to prioritize or even acknowledge personal needs.
- Taking care of others but not pouring back into ourselves.
- Having less patience.
- Giving less grace to others.
- Being quicker to argue instead of listening.
- Building resentment, specifically in our intimate relationships.
All of these can be signs that more self-care is needed, and creating a self-care plan can help ensure that your needs are actually met.
“Self-reflection is an extremely important part of self-care. We can’t just do a spa day once every quarter and expect that we’re going to feel good all the time. That’s not how it works.”
— Yolanda Jenkins, counselor and self-care and well-being strategist
“We’re so intimately involved with the lives of other people around us that we’re not necessarily as connected to what brings us joy and happiness and fills us as much as we used to be,” says Jenkins. “Self-reflection is an extremely important part of self-care. We can’t just do a spa day once every quarter and expect that we’re going to feel good all the time. That’s not how it works.”
How to create a self-care action plan that works for you
Initially, many mothers might feel guilty and overwhelmed at the thought of learning about their own needs. The images of “self-care” we see in society often require money and time they may not have. Surprisingly, experts say self-care is more about self-awareness than money or manicures.
“I think it’s a disservice to use the word ‘self-care’ so continuously that it kind of takes away the value of it,” says Rivera. Instead, she says self-care means asking ourselves, “How do I provide nurturance to myself when I feel this depleted? What does that look like?”
“I think if we can all be more honest about the struggles of parenting, then we can come to a more real expectation of what it’s supposed to look like and how to support each other.”
— Dr. Christine Rivera, a bilingual and bicultural licensed clinical psychologist
As you focus more on your well-being, here are some steps to take to create a self-care plan that helps you reconnect with yourself and prioritize your needs.
1. Re-evaluate your image of motherhood
Rivera says comparison can easily shape one’s mothering experience and leave mothers feeling inadequate. “I think if we can all be more honest about the struggles of parenting, then we can come to a more real expectation of what it’s supposed to look like and how to support each other,” Rivera says.
According to the report by SeekHer, 70% of mothers report experiencing feelings of guilt when prioritizing their own needs, including:
- Reclaiming alone time.
- Asking for and receiving more support from a partner.
- Asking for and receiving more support from family/community.
- Learning to better communicate needs and delegate tasks.
But, the report also notes that having effective boundaries, communication and connection directly impacts mothers’ ability to feel like themselves. For this reason, it’s vital to shift our perspectives about what mothers need as a first step to prioritizing self-care. “I think it’s a mindset shift [that] you deserve time, space and energy from yourself and the people around you,” Jenkins says.
2. Explore your interests
Online self-care plan templates exist, but they don’t work for everyone. The journey to finding the right kind of self-care requires exploration. How do you like to spend your time? What are activities you enjoyed pre-motherhood that you might pursue again? Experts say asking yourself these kinds of questions can help you decide how to recharge.
Research shows hobbies can have positive mental and physical health benefits, like reducing stress and helping to manage chronic pain. Finding the right hobbies won’t happen overnight, but experts suggest the following to help you get started:
- Revisiting things you enjoyed in childhood by looking at old photos, journals or asking loved ones you trust.
- Exploring new interests through local events and interest groups. Websites like EventBrite or MeetUp can help.
- Asking friends and connections what they do for fun and joining them so you don’t have to try something new alone.
3. Prioritize self-care as much as your other responsibilities
Jenkins says many don’t understand that while self-care is incredibly rewarding, it also takes work. “The work is prioritizing self-care,” she explains. “It’s sitting down and looking at your schedule, seeing where you have 10 minutes, getting self-care on your calendar and sticking to that meeting, just like you would if you were taking the kids to a doctor’s appointment or meeting with your boss.”
In order to create a self-care plan that works, you have to devote regular time — even just a few minutes per day or week — to self-care exploration.
4. Seek support on your self-care journey
Taking care of ourselves benefits us, but it’s normal to need affirmation and support on your self-care journey. Jenkins says to take advantage of resources like timers and Google Calendar to help manage your time. According to Rivera, other helpful resources for your self-care plan might include:
- Meditations from online sources like Headspace or SelfCompassion.org.
- Using journal prompts to help you explore and develop boundaries.
- Working with an accountability partner
- Joining virtual communities that help build your village.
- Finding an online parenting support group.
For further support and help with self-care strategies or medications, consider talking with your doctor or therapist.
5. Have compassion for yourself
Rivera notes that systemic barriers can make the pursuit of wellness even harder for mothers who are Black, Indigenous or people of color (BIPOC). As she explains, discussions on mothering often miss important historical context around the experiences of child rearing and birth for women of color. These include less access to resources and the fact that BIPOC mothers are often healing from these historical barriers and the associated trauma while mothering.
“We’re not acknowledging it, or if we are acknowledging it, it’s in a way that is not supporting mothers enough to move forward and feel empowered and cared for,” she says. “It also feels like we [BIPOC mothers] don’t have as much space to request support because we’re used to being strong. We’re used to being resilient — which is great and has absolutely been necessary for us in our history — but I also think there’s no space to soften and address our needs.”
While disproportionately impacted, mothers of color aren’t alone in struggling under unrealistic mothering standards. For this reason, Rivera says it’s essential to develop self-compassion as a part of your self-care plan. You can do this by reframing negative thoughts, especially through therapy or other mental health work. It can also be helpful to find an affirming community, either in person or online.
The bottom line
Parents, especially mothers, face many stressors in society. There are plenty of things standing in the way of moms caring for themselves, but none outweigh the consequences of what can go wrong if moms don’t care for themselves.
We can make mothering and life more manageable by incorporating small moments of self-care into our routines. Making a self-care action plan helps parents ensure they’re able to meet their own needs, even as they’re spending so much time meeting the needs of others. It’s not easy, but the benefits can be worth it.
