The term “glass child” is commonly used within the special needs community to describe the sibling of a child with a disability. But thanks to TikTok, the term has recently even become prevalent in mainstream mental health conversations about caregiver neglect.
“We have seen through social media that some, but certainly not all, siblings of people with support needs identify with the term ‘glass children’ because they feel invisible to parents, other family members and professionals,” says Emily Holl, Director of the Sibling Support Project, which facilitates online communities for thousands of siblings of children with special needs. “When most of the time, attention and energy of caregivers is directed to the child with support needs, it can unintentionally send a message to ‘typical’ siblings that they are not important.”
“Glass child” was originally coined by Alicia Meneses Maples in her 2010 TEDx San Antonio Talk “Recognizing Glass Children.” Maples, who grew up with a brother with autism and another with a terminal illness, emphasizes that glass children are called such because their needs go unseen, not because they are fragile. In fact, they are often the opposite of fragile.
“The strength we [as glass children] develop is rooted in trauma,” says Maples. “To survive the things we are experiencing, we develop deep empathy, the capacity to handle stressful situations seemingly at ease, drive and determination, and perfectionism so as not to disrupt our parents’ lives. We are very strong — until we are not.”
Because of the severity of mental health struggles that glass children can endure, Maples is a strong advocate for siblings like herself to have access to professional support and intervention. We spoke with her and other experts about what it means to be a glass child, plus how caregivers can better understand their unique needs.
What is a glass child?
A glass child is a sibling of a person who requires the ongoing and constant support of their caregivers, explains Francyne Zeltser, a psychologist and Clinical Director of Mental Health & Testing Services at Manhattan Psychology Group in New York City. The need for extra support can be due to a physical or mental disability, an illness or even disruptive behavior.
“The term ‘glass’ implies that these children often feel transparent or overlooked because their sibling’s needs demand a significant amount of attention and resources from their parents,” adds Aja Chavez, a counselor and Executive Director of Adolescent Services at Mission Prep. “This term is not an official medical or psychological diagnosis but rather a descriptive term used to highlight the potential emotional and psychological challenges faced by these children.”
“The term ‘glass’ implies that these children often feel transparent or overlooked because their sibling’s needs demand a significant amount of attention and resources from their parents.”
— Aja Chavez, a counselor and Executive Director of Adolescent Services at Mission Prep
According to Maples, these are the most common challenges faced by glass children:
Emotional neglect and invalidation: “Due to overwhelm, parents often trivialize or ignore their glass child’s delicate emotional state,” Maples says. When reacting to difficult emotional situations, glass children often hear phrases like: “Stop crying,” “Calm down,” “You’re overreacting,” or “Why are you complaining?”
Parentification: Parentification is when a child is forced to take on the role of a caregiver for their sibling with special needs, and it can result in anxiety, guilt and both physical and emotional burnout.
Witnessed trauma: Many glass children whose sibling has a medical diagnosis witness traumatic medical events, such as seizures, resuscitation or emergency treatments, Maples explains. However, parents often fail to provide support after witnessing such trauma which can lead to lasting negative impacts such as post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.
Behavioral and emotional characteristics of a glass child
At a young age, lacking family support and time with a parent may come with feelings of sadness and loneliness, Zeltser explains. As a result, glass children might withdraw from family interactions or, alternatively, seek attention through rebellious behavior. “Negative attention at times is better than no attention at all if they are feeling neglected,” Zeltser says.
Perfectionism is another common characteristic that can develop in siblings of children with special needs. “Glass children are often acutely aware that their sibling ‘needs’ more than them,” says Samantha Quigneaux, a licensed family therapist and the national director of family therapy services at Newport Healthcare. “They are then subconsciously trained to conceal any issues or difficult feelings, and perfection is the expected standard because they do not want to further burden their parents. If a glass child overcompensates [in this way] through their childhood, it can manifest in their experiences, emotions and relationships as they get older.”
In young adulthood, glass children often experience severe anxiety or depression, according to our experts. “Glass children have developed feelings that they can’t ask for help so emotions get bottled up,” Zeltser says. When this happens, teens may turn to maladaptive coping behaviors, or tactics for dealing with stressors in an unhealthy way, like using drugs or alcohol, she explains.
What is an adult glass child?
An adult glass child grew up with a sibling with special needs and didn’t receive help for dealing with their experiences with neglect and trauma, Maples explains. “If an adult glass child has not received intervention, they are swimming in a psychological pool of untreated trauma, abuse, neglect and persistent feelings of unworthiness,” she says. “This triggers us to engage in maladaptive coping behaviors which have severe life consequences.”
Based on her personal experience and research, Maples has found that adult glass children may turn to these maladaptive coping behaviors which she discusses on her website:
- Attraction to unhealthy relationships and individuals in need, including those grappling with addiction or toxic and abusive behaviors.
- Codependency, or excessive reliance on others for your own emotional and psychological needs.
- Struggles with addiction, self-harm and suicidal ideation.
How do I know if I have a glass child?
How can you tell if you have a glass child? “One of the most powerful ways to recognize if your child might be feeling unsupported is to ask them,” Holl says. “Open-ended questions are the best way to learn more about how your child is feeling. For example, a parent might say: ‘There is a lot going on with your brother right now. What has this experience been like for you?’”
The American Academy of Pediatrics also suggests that if you notice your sibling exhibiting any of the following behavior, they may be in need of extra attention and support:
- Anxious
- Depressed
- Withdrawn
- Angry
- Losing interest in friends
- Doing poorly in school
- Pushing too hard to achieve
- Rebellious
- Losing interest in activities that once brought pleasure, such as sports or music lessons
- Acting out in other ways to get attention
It’s important to note that because glass children are trained to hide their problems, they often do not show signs of emotional struggle, Maples warns. “We look like remarkably well-adjusted children,” she says, noting that glass children often earn good grades and thrive in extracurricular activities. “Those factors, on the face, reinforce that we are, in fact, ‘OK,’” she says. “This is contrary to the reality: We are overachieving to minimize stress for our parents and family.”
“Sometimes parents don’t ask the questions because they are afraid of the answers based on their own worries and fears. Or they fear they don’t have the answers. The good news is that parents and caregivers don’t have to have all the answers. Listening goes a long way.”
— Emily Holl, Director of the Sibling Support Project
Ways to support to siblings of children with special needs
Harriet Redman, founder of WisconSibs, a network of programs for siblings of individuals with disabilities in Wisconsin, tells parents that they should just assume that their sibling child “has feelings, both positive and negative, regarding their unique role as a sibling of someone with disabilities.”
With that in mind, experts encourage parents to be proactive in developing a healthy family dynamic from the start with the following tactics:
Establish open communication
When caregivers take the time to ask questions and allow for open, honest conversation, that can make a tremendous difference for glass children, Holl explains. “Sometimes parents don’t ask the questions because they are afraid of the answers based on their own worries and fears,” she says. “Or they fear they don’t have the answers. The good news is that parents and caregivers don’t have to have all the answers. Listening goes a long way.”
Respect their ideas and emotions
“Open communication also requires the parent to acknowledge and respect a sibling’s perspective,” adds Redman, who is the mother to a special needs child and sibling. Instead of brushing off difficult feelings, she recommends asking what they would suggest to make things easier. “Regardless of the age of your sibling child, don’t be surprised how insightful and wise they are,” Redman says. “Be open to their suggestions — they might just work.”
Spend one-on-one time with siblings regularly
“Parents are wise to make every effort to provide regular time devoted to their sibling child to do something they want to do,” Redman says. “It provides siblings with something they can count on when so much of their world is chaotic or unreliable.”
For example, one parent she has worked with made sure that at least 20 minutes of each day was devoted to just reading with their sibling child.
Zeltser refers to this one-on-one time shared by a child or adolescent and a
parent or caregiver as “special time” and recommends the following tips for making it as impactful as possible:
- Execute this one-on-one time daily.
- Do not bank time and do not take it away as punishment for negative behavior.
- Do not allow for any interruptions, even taking a phone call.
- Set a time separate from other activities so you are able to fully focus on your child.
Strive for an equitable allocation of resources
Whenever possible, make an effort to distribute time, attention and even financial resources equitably to all children, even if the child with greater needs must make a sacrifice, Zeltser says.
“Equitable is not always equal,” she says. “Start by addressing all health and safety needs. For example, maybe the child with special needs needs therapy that we cannot sacrifice, but maybe you can shift to one session as opposed to two for a set amount of time so that the other child can participate in a sport.”
Another example of striving to be equitable with resources is to avoid only hiring a babysitter for the child without special needs. “You may need to find caregivers and sitters with different training to care for a special needs child, but the effort will make care more equitable,” says Zelster.
Distribute caregiver duties if possible
If there are multiple caregivers, Zeltser recommends “dividing and conquering” when possible so that all children can have a caregiver with them at all times. It’s also important to note that if a sibling is required to be responsible for a child with special needs, this should always be the result of a conversation, not a demand, she explains.
“Demands result in resentment, so make the request and explain why,” Zeltser says. “Then figure out a way for that child who is getting an added responsibility to get an added privilege if possible.” She also recommends using supportive and validating statements, like “I know this is hard, and this is hard for our family. We really appreciate your help.”
Build a community for siblings
“No matter how open a parent tries to be, siblings, young or adult, benefit from connecting with other siblings who share some of their unique experiences,” Redmans says. She recommends finding a Sibshop in your area, which is a peer support group for siblings of individuals with disabilities, which can be found through national programs like the Sibling Support Project and the Sibling Leadership Network.
Seek support as a family
“Speak to your child’s healthcare provider and school to see if they have extra levels of support early on,” Zeltser advises. For example, in New York, The New York State Office for People With Developmental Disabilities (OPWDD) provides services and funding for families with children with disabilities. “This can make a very big impact on siblings for many years.”
Chavez also recommends considering family therapy to help navigate complex family dynamics as well as to educate everyone about a sibling’s condition to foster understanding and empathy. “Involving glass children in the care of their siblings in an age-appropriate way can also help them feel more included and appreciated,” she says.
“Some of the unique opportunities siblings experience include a vast capacity for tolerance, the ability to advocate in formal and informal ways, and for many siblings, vocation in helping fields.”
— Emily Holl
The bottom line on supporting a glass child
While it is not a clinical diagnosis, the term glass child can be useful to caregivers to seek a better understanding of the unique experiences of siblings of children with disabilities. “In all my years, in all my work, I have yet to meet a sibling of a high-needs brother or sister who is not a glass child,” Maples says, adding that this doesn’t mean parents are doing anything wrong. “It is the nature of the lack of support for high-needs families.”
At the same time, sibling experiences are not all good or all bad, but all of the above at different times, says Holl. “Some of the unique opportunities siblings experience include a vast capacity for tolerance, the ability to advocate in formal and informal ways, and for many siblings, vocation in helping fields,” she notes.
To support glass children, caregivers should establish open communication and evenly distribute resources as much as possible. Experts also encourage participating in programs which stress the value of connecting siblings of children with disabilities so they may share their joys and challenges, Redman explains, which she’s found to be helpful within her own family.