Today, I am a mom to a college sophomore and a high school senior. I often say that I am not sure where the years went but my gosh that is so true–they flew by! I have tried to be a great mom since my oldest was placed in my arms that January night so long ago. The hospital doesn’t give you a ‘How To’ manual when you leave with this little life in your care. In many ways that day feels like a hundred years ago but in others, it seems like last week. He has a brother who followed 29 months later and while it’s true what they say about doing things differently with siblings after the first one….. I was probably still not as open to taking a breath or two then either.
As I sit on this side of motherhood (not finished yet) there are some things I know clearly that I wish I had known then. I was tough on my boys and set expectations that they knew to meet. I overreacted to situations that seemed like a big deal when in reality, they weren’t. I worried about things that I didn’t need to because they are things that really didn’t matter. I knew that more than ever as I left my oldest son at college last year. Like so many moms, I felt that each day was a day that I could never get back, so I just tried to make sure that I took advantage of that. I am just so sorry I can’t go back and have a re-do on some days. I know I am not alone.
I wasn’t navigating these kids alone. I had their dad, both sets of grandparents, friends in the same place, friends ahead of us and friends behind us. I believe then and still do that even with all the support and advice that was given to me–I still thought I knew better. Boy was I wrong. Even with lessons being taught through Bob the Builder, Dora the Explorer, Blues Clues and (dare I say it, Barney) I was still pretty sure that I had only that one day, every day and I couldn’t waste it! Each day had to bring about a lesson, learn a new word, find a new discovery…..something! Oh wow, the pressure I put on myself and subsequently, them!
I was sitting at a stop light the other day thinking about my sons who are 5″11 and 6’4″. I started laughing thinking about how I read all the food labels on his baby food. I read every label and counted the percentages of vitamins there were getting in their food. I fretted that there wasn’t enough iron, vitamin A, B or C, etc. in the baby food and how could I make sure each meal was balanced? What would happen if they didn’t get enough of something? Broken legs, weak immune systems, what? All that fretting was for nothing….they are both healthy and thriving, hardly ever sick and to date (knock on wood) no broken anything. I was always concerned with that but, I never tried to live out the ‘super scheduled’ life that was becoming so popular then. I had friends who had to work around a strict schedule for naps, play time, meal time, bed time. We didn’t live in a loosey-goosey environment, we just didn’t stop whatever we were doing at nap time. We were flexible with that and guess what? They are still fine. Oh and when they discovered McDonald’s french fries it didn’t take long for the baby food to be a thing of the past. I had to just let it go and move on.
I did take on their elementary school education like a beast. I would be so concerned if one of them forgot a book, didn’t write down an assignment, didn’t remember to bring the reading log home every day whatever it was. I tried hard to instill the importance of remembering everything as to not ‘bail them out’ however all the times I got mad, punished them, took away priviledges–whatever the consequence, it turns out that they survived 3rd grade math, weren’t defined by 4th grade social studies projects, and mostly–as they grew and matured, so did the responsibilities that they took on, and they handled successfully. They both made it through elementary school, middle school and the youngest has one more year of high school. His older brother finished his freshman year in college and kept his scholarship but if you had asked me when he didn’t want to creatively write paragraphs in 3rd grade if that was the end of the world…. I would have probably said yes. My, oh my!
So, now as my life has taken a few turns that were not expected when the boys were little, I have 4 step children. They are 12, 10, 8, and 7. I can look at them with such a different set of eyes. I love the view I have at this point and I know they do to. I have talked their dad down off the ledge over things that I once was on the ledge about. I found that being on this side of it is pretty good in some ways. I can clearly see things that are truly worth going to the mat over and what isn’t. I know that with age comes wisdom but I truly enjoy meeting a young mom who has an understanding of her kids and what it means to rear them responsibly but trusts and knows in her heart that they will all be OK in the end.
