I’m a big believer in failure.
As parents — and even as babysitters, nannies, really anyone who cares for children — we feel this automatic instinct to hide our failures from our kids. And it makes sense why: we’re their role models for everything. Since we are their guardians, the responsibility falls on us to teach them how to handle every situation in the most appropriate way.
So, what happens if we make a mistake in the process — worse yet, what if they SEE us make a mistake? What does that mean for them and their learning process? How will that affect their understanding of what’s right and what’s wrong?
In order to do right by our children, we feel that we need — nay, must — be infallible.
But we’re not — and we’re never going to be. Even though this may be a common expectation that parents have of themselves, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t put a huge amount of pressure on us. And, ultimately, by pretending to be perfect, we may be doing them a great disservice, too.
I’m not saying that I like to fail. Who does? But I do believe that there’s great power in the lessons that can come from failure. Here are four big reasons for why we should allow our children to see this not-so-perfect side of us.
1) We Become More Relatable to Them
Kids often see us as old tall people who just don’t get it; we couldn’t possibly understand what they’re going through. As they get older, they might tend to shut us out from their struggles altogether. But when we are transparent about our own flaws and missteps, they’ll be more willing to open up and let us in.
2) They See That Imperfection Is Okay
Nobody is perfect. That’s just a fact. And because of that, being “imperfect” shouldn’t be something that we fear, but rather something that we embrace. It’s what makes us human.
As children grow, they are often pressured to be great at everything they do: to be the best athlete or musician, to get the best grades or to be the best looking. But life isn’t about being the best — it’s about living each day to the fullest despite the setbacks.
By letting them know that all of us make mistakes, we are giving them permission to set realistic expectations for themselves. We’re telling them that nothing — and no one — is perfect; that the most important thing in life is to be happy.
As they say, “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.”
3) They Learn How to Accept Responsiblity
“It’s not my fault!!!”
How many times have you heard your kids say that? Kids, by nature, are very quick to blame others — and particularly a sibling, if one is handy. They’re so afraid of getting in trouble for making a mistake that they’d rather put it on someone else than take ownership of it. Many adults even struggle with this one, too — but our kids don’t always realize that.
Accepting responsibility is not something that comes easily — but it’s a highly admirable character trait once it becomes habit. And it comes easier when our children have people in their lives to model these behaviors for them — so they DO become a habit.
By seeing us take responsibility for our actions, kids can learn that there no shame in admitting fault.
4) They Become Resilient
I don’t enjoy failure, but I do enjoy the feeling of accomplishment that comes from bouncing back from one.
When I fail at something, I take a moment to reflect on it, figure out what went wrong, then look for the takeaways from that experience. I do this openly and honestly — and that’s what I expect of my children.
Teaching kids to pick themselves up from a disappointment is even one of Care.com’s 5 Parenting Trend Predictions for 2017. As Katie Bugbee wrote:
By teaching children not to quit at the first sign of a setback, parents are showing children how to be resilient and autonomous, along with the lesson that persistence pays off whether there’s a trophy or not.
My thoughts exactly.
So, the moral of the story here is: mess up — and let your kids see it. Be a role model for failing well, and you’ll watch your children grow into admirable, honest human adults.
“There is no such thing as a perfect parent. So just be a real one.” – Sue Atkins, Parenting expert and coach
