So, you’ve found the perfect nanny, but there’s just one problem. They made a mistake on the job, and as their employer, it’s your job to bring it up with them. It’s not easy to have straightforward conversations about job issues or set boundaries, and it can be particularly anxiety-inducing when you’re the sort of parent who naturally shies away from confrontation.
“Many of us were raised thinking conflict is a bad thing,” points out Stephanie Rosenfield, a parenting coach and child development expert in Boston. “We think it should be avoided at all costs, or that it will lead to an argument and the other person will have negative thoughts about us. But, this is actually false! No one is a mind reader, and a caregiver will definitely fail if they aren’t given clear instructions on what works best for a family.”
So, how can you psych yourself up for those awkward conversations, and what are you even supposed to say? Here, Rosenfield and other caregiving and mental health experts share their best tips for how to plan, practice and initiate productive conversations with your nanny, even when you feel like you’d rather curl up and hide.
“No one is a mind reader, and a caregiver will definitely fail if they aren’t given clear instructions on what works best for a family.”
— STEPHANIE ROSENFIELD, A PARENTING COACH
How to know when it’s time for a talk with your child’s nanny
There’s no hard and fast rule for when you should have important conversations with your nanny. Nanny Miss Monique, a Chicago-based nanny and child educator with more than 20 years of experience, says it’s important to promptly bring up concerns involving the child’s safety and development, changing job duties and day-to-day rules and routines.
But, you should also understand that having difficult or uncomfortable conversations is often just a normal part of working with a caregiver. “With the nanny family that I work for now, I asked every single question at the beginning to make sure it was the right fit, and we have a great relationship, but I still have new questions sometimes, they still ask me questions and we still have uncomfortable conversations,” she explains.
Rather than waiting for problems to arise or only talking when there’s a conflict, she says to think of communication as constant and ongoing, and to be proactive about creating a strong relationship with your nanny. “It’s just about setting boundaries and making sure things are clear,” she says. “And also making sure the nanny has a chance to communicate what they need and how things could be better for them as well.”
How to talk to your nanny when you hate confrontation
1. Get organized
“Before you sit down to talk, make a list of things you want to discuss,” Nanny Miss Monique says. This might include:
- Specific routines you want to change.
- Questions you have about their role or job performance.
- Changes to regular job duties.
- Feedback about your own performance as an employer.
You can reference this list during your chat to help you stay on task. You can also use it to plan what you’d like to say during your conversation so you don’t feel like you’re going in cold.
2. Use role play to practice for your conversation
Yes, it’s OK to practice what you want to say before you have an important conversation. In fact, Bethany Cook, a doctor of psychology, licensed psychologist and the author of “For What It’s Worth: A Perspective on How to Thrive and Survive Parenting,” recommends it.
“Write down phrases you want to say, and then ask your partner or friend to play the role of the care worker and do a few improv sessions until the phrases flow smoothly,” she advises.
As you practice, focus on why you are having the conversation: because your child has a specific need. “Sometimes, it’s easier to advocate for someone else’s needs, so focusing on the ‘why’ can help,” Cook adds.
3. Choose the right time to talk
“I always think it’s better to start off by saying, ‘Hey, we need to talk. Let’s set aside some time,’ versus stopping the nanny right in the middle of her day and telling her that she did something wrong,” notes Nanny Miss Monique. “You might even say, ‘Hey, let me take you out for a cup of coffee, and I’ll pay you for the extra hour.’”
Scheduling the conversation in advance gives you both the opportunity to gather your thoughts and come prepared for a productive talk. Plus, it helps ensure the conversation happens between the adults and not with kids present.
“You don’t want to talk when you’re upset about something or in a bad mood,” she adds. “It’s always better to take a step back, and it’s never a good idea to do it in front of the kids.”
4. Check in with yourself
“Make sure you are in the best possible mental space before the meeting,” advises Cook.
Ideally, you should enter the conversation calm, focused and prepared for an open dialogue. If you’re stressed or rushed beforehand, that could impact how things go. To get yourself feeling relaxed and mindful, Cook says:
- Arrive early.
- Eat a snack before the meeting.
- Do something to find your center of peace, like meditation or listening to music.
- Go over your notes and/or questions.
- Take several deep breaths.
5. Stay positive and professional
“Start the conversation with what’s working well and what you appreciate about the caregiver,” Rosenfield says. “Be mindful of your non-verbal language, such as your tone of voice, facial expressions and overall demeanor.”
Approach the conversation from the perspective of being on the same team. “When you assume that the caregiver wants the same thing you do, which is for your child to be happy and successful, it makes the conversation so much easier,” she adds. “Speaking from appreciation, kindness and partnership is so different than speaking from frustration, anger and resentment.”
If you aren’t sure how to achieve that casual yet professional tone, Cook recommends keeping it simple and straightforward: “Hey, thanks for meeting with me. As someone who cares about [child’s name], I value your insight because you spend a lot of time with them. I wanted to talk with you about X.”
If you’re requesting that your nanny make a specific change to some behavior or routine, you might ask them about their approach, and then respond by saying, “I can appreciate your point of view. Have you considered X? We find that doing this is more in line with our parenting approach. Would it be possible to do that?”
“Sometimes the nanny is doing a great job, and you should have a conversation about that as well. There should always be communication.”
— NANNY MISS MONIQUE, A CHICAGO-BASED NANNY AND CHILD EDUCATOR
6. Consider a mediator
Sometimes a third party can help keep the peace or settle a disagreement. Nanny Miss Monique says this was the key to preserving her relationship with one of her past nanny families when they had a disagreement about a new puppy.
“The puppy got really excited when the mom was coming home from work, and he ran outside, jumped in a muddy puddle, ran back inside of the house and jumped all over her white carpets and pristine white bedroom with muddy paws,” she explains.
The result was a major conflict.
“She was so upset,” Nanny Miss Monique adds. “And then, I got mad because it wasn’t in my contract to take care of a new puppy all of the sudden. We argued in front of the kids. We did everything you’re not supposed to do.”
Ultimately, her nanny agency was asked to step in and help them resolve the conflict. Because of that, she and the mom healed their professional woes and maintain a good friendship to this day.
Whether it’s a nanny agency, the other parent or even a counselor, “just having a middle person to kind of listen to things and help you come to an agreement can be so helpful,” she says.
7. Try to prevent conflicts before they happen
“I worked for a family where I was also homeschooling four children, but the position was changing all the time,” says Nanny Miss Monique. “They kept asking me to do additional things, and it felt uncomfortable for me because I’m like, ‘This isn’t what I signed up for.’”
Ultimately, she and the parents decided to start having monthly check-ins. “On the first Monday of the month, we would talk about my role, what’s changed, if I felt comfortable and if they didn’t like something that I did,” she says.
She recommends establishing regular check-ins to help nannies and parents work together as a team and eliminate the need for hard talks due to conflicts or resentments. “And, sometimes the nanny is doing a great job, and you should have a conversation about that as well,” Nanny Miss Monique adds. “There should always be communication.”
The bottom line on caregiver confrontation
Ultimately, working with your caregiver is just one more way you’re looking out for your child and striving to keep them safe and happy. So, when you feel worried about checking in with that caregiver, remember you’re doing an essential, normal part of your job as both an employer and a parent, and that will lead to better outcomes for everyone.