When a family hires a nanny, parents also take on a brand new role as managers. However, unlike in an office job where there’s a human resources department and an employee handbook, parents have to learn the ropes of management alone, and they and their nannies have to work together to create a professional partnership that meets everyone’s needs. Sometimes this means having challenging and even difficult conversations with a nanny — about pay, unmet expectations, changes to the household or anything else.
Communication is essential between nannies and parents, and it’s important that parents manage sensitive conversations in a way that’s professional and helps maintain a positive working relationship. “Having a nanny means adding a person to your parenting journey, so you need to be sure you will be able to respect this person and allow them to do their job,” says Candi Vajana, a California nanny with more than three decades’ experience, founder of the Experienced Nanny.
To help you prepare for those tough conversations, we asked experienced nannies and communication experts about different scenarios that may come up during a nanny’s employment. Here, they share tips for navigating each conversation, as well as ways to keep your parent-nanny relationship respectful, honest and positive for everyone involved.
How to establish good communication with a nanny
Healthy and professional dialogue between parents and nannies should start long before a problem ever arises, says Nicholas Forlenza, a licensed psychologist and the owner of Psychological Wellness Partners in New York.
“When parents take a genuine, direct, and empathetic approach from the start of this professional relationship it becomes much easier to communicate about any concerns,” he explains, adding that similarly, it’s important for parents to consistently highlight aspects of a nanny’s work that they value. That way, when it’s time to discuss a concern, the nanny is less likely to feel defensive in response.
Here’s how nannies say parents can create a strong foundation for professional communication.
Ask the nanny how they prefer to communicate
“Every nanny has a different communication style and preferences so the easiest way is to ask — before there’s a problem — how the nanny would best like feedback,” says Lora Brawley, a nanny with more than 30 years’ experience and a consultant and trainer at Nanny Care Hub.
Set clear expectations from the beginning
“From the outset, communicate expectations for the nanny’s role, responsibilities and schedule,” Vajana says. “This helps to avoid misunderstandings and ensures that both parties are on the same page.”
“When parents take a genuine, direct, and empathetic approach from the start of this professional relationship it becomes much easier to communicate about any concerns.”
— Nicholas Forlenza, a licensed psychologist
Don’t wait to discuss problems
“Rather than let items snowball, talk about whatever the issue is quickly and work together to find a solution that works for both sides,” Brawley says.
Have regular check-ins
Vajana suggests regular check-in meetings to discuss the nanny’s performance, address concerns and provide feedback. Note: This isn’t the same thing as the annual performance review. “These meetings can be informal and conducted in a supportive and non-confrontational manner,” she explains.
Create an open-door policy
“Encourage open and honest communication,” Vajana says. “Create a supportive environment where the nanny feels comfortable expressing concerns, asking questions and providing feedback.”
How to handle 6 common but challenging conversations with your nanny
Once you’ve established healthy, professional communication with a nanny, you’ve got a head start on being able to handle any issues that might pop up. Here, the experts tackle some of the most common problems parents can experience with nannies and share how to talk about them like a pro.
1. Your nanny broke a rule or didn’t meet expectations
Maybe your nanny has been using their phone during work hours when you request they don’t, they’ve shown up late repeatedly or they keep going against a house rule about snacks or screen time. Whatever the case, both Brawley and Vajana suggest taking the following steps:
- Schedule a time to discuss the issue privately.
- Let them know what you’d like to talk about so they have time to prepare.
- Outline the specific problem and discuss the impact.
- Collaborate to find a solution.
You might raise an issue by saying something like, “I noticed [problem], and I’d like to talk about it when we have more time. Does tomorrow evening work for you?” or “Lately, [problem] has been happening. I want to make sure everything is OK. Can you stay for a few minutes to talk about it on Friday?”
“Addressing the issue in a formal meeting demonstrates professionalism and respect for the nanny’s role and responsibilities,” Vajana explains. “It also avoids the perception of confrontation or criticism in front of the children or other household members.”
Jenn Wert, a parenting coach and educator who specializes in family relationships and communication, adds that it’s important to keep your emotions in check during these kinds of conversations and make sure the nanny feels heard, too. ”Be sure to allow space for them to share their experience so it’s not a one-sided conversation,” she says. “Listen openly to see if there’s anything you could do to make things go more smoothly.”
”Be sure to allow space for them to share their experience so it’s not a one-sided conversation. Listen openly to see if there’s anything you could do to make things go more smoothly.”
— Jenn Wert, a parenting coach and educator who specializes in family relationships and communication
2. Your nanny asked for a raise, but you can’t provide one
Raises are typically given during an annual performance review or when the scope of the nanny’s job changes significantly, but your nanny might request additional pay or bonuses at other times as well. In general, if you can’t offer a raise when a nanny requests one, Brawley and Vajana say:
- Be honest that you can’t provide a raise.
- Set a date or time frame to revisit the conversation.
- Let your nanny know how much you appreciate their hard work.
- Consider alternative benefits, like flexible scheduling, paid time off or retirement contributions.
Sometimes, you can’t offer a raise due to special circumstances, like financial limitations or concerns about your nanny’s professional growth. Here’s how to handle those issues.
You can’t afford a raise right now
“If your nanny asks and you don’t have it in the budget to provide it, be honest,” Brawley says. “You don’t have to disclose private information; however, you can tell them it’s not financially workable this year.” Instead of a raise, Brawly says to consider offering:
- A partial raise, if possible
- A timeframe for when a raise will be available
- A thoughtful token, like a gift certificate to a restaurant or show tickets
Additionally, she adds, try to approach the nanny before they approach you. “If the family knows they cannot give a raise that year, approach the nanny first and let them know,” Brawley says. “That shows you were thinking about it even if you aren’t able to do it.”
You don’t feel a raise is appropriate
“Offer constructive feedback to the nanny on areas where they excel and areas for growth,” Vajana says. “This can help them understand their value within the household and identify opportunities for professional development.”
Set a specific date or time frame to revisit the conversation. In the meantime, Vajana adds, you might also offer them additional professional development opportunities or access to resources, such as childcare training courses or workshops.
3. You’re moving
A move isn’t as simple as just forwarding the nanny your new address. Where you live impacts many facets of your nanny’s job. As you prepare to talk to the nanny about an upcoming move, the experts say you’ll need to consider:
- How the move impacts the nanny’s commute time.
- Whether the nanny will need to change their hours.
- Changing access to amenities, like libraries, parks, children’s museums, etc.
- How the nanny’s role may change during the move.
If you’re moving far away, obviously you will need to terminate the working relationship. Ideally, you should have a termination clause in your nanny’s contract that specifies how much notice is required, as well as how much severance pay is appropriate.
If the move is within the same general area and you plan to continue working with your nanny, Brawley advises sharing those plans as soon as possible. If you’re worried about a move being too far away or impacting the nanny in a negative way — such as moving to a smaller place or losing access to favorite places they visit with the kids — bring these concerns to your nanny directly and discuss the fix with their input. “Let them know you want them to continue in the job,” Brawley says. “Then, work together to brainstorm ideas on how to make it work or make it worthwhile for the nanny.”
You might consider offering compensation for gas or mileage or providing a nanny car. More than likely, Brawley says, the nanny will have ideas. “Nannies know best what they need or want so they generally have creative solutions,” she says.
“Nannies know best what they need or want so they generally have creative solutions.”
— Lora Brawley, a nanny with more than 30 years’ experience and a consultant and trainer at Nanny Care Hub
4. Your family is going through a divorce
A divorce or separation can significantly impact a nanny’s job, so it’s important to discuss these changes as soon as possible, Vajana says. You might bring this to your nanny by saying something like, “[Spouse] and I have made the decision to split up. We really value you as a part of our parenting team, and I want to talk about what this means for your role going forward.”
In addition to sharing the news, you’ll need to discuss specifics about how the changes to the family dynamic will impact the nanny’s day-to-day job, including:
- Adjustments to hours.
- Added responsibilities.
- Changes to their work location.
- Altered schedules and routines.
Don’t forget: These changes also need to be reflected in the nanny’s contract. “Review the nanny’s contract together to determine how the proposed changes align with the terms of employment,” Vajana suggests. “Be prepared to negotiate any modifications to the contract as needed.”
Additionally, remember that your nanny is not just an employee; they’re someone who cares about your children and your family. “Be supportive and understanding of the nanny’s needs during this time of transition,” Vajana says. “If possible or necessary, offer resources or assistance, such as access to counseling services or additional training to help them navigate the changes effectively.”
Most importantly, remember this is not a moment to vent to the nanny, expect them to take sides or to cross professional boundaries. “Despite the personal nature of the changes, maintain a professional demeanor throughout the discussion and subsequent transition,” Vajana says. “Keep communication channels open and respectful to preserve a positive working relationship.”
5. You’re getting a new pet
“While it’s completely the family’s choice to add a pet, it is common courtesy to talk with the nanny beforehand,” Brawley says. This conversation should include asking:
- If the nanny wants to be involved in caring for the pet
- Whether the nanny is allergic to certain pets
- If the nanny has safety or other concerns about adding a pet
- Rules and guidelines for the new pet
Remember that a pet represents additional labor, and it’s up to the nanny whether they want to assume the added responsibility. “If the nanny is willing to help, the contract and compensation should be updated to reflect the new tasks,” Brawley says. “If the nanny says ‘no thanks,’ the family should have a plan for training and daily exercise.”
“To most nannies, this is more than a job. They put their whole heart into loving their kids, so conversations that are the norm in a business setting — providing feedback, talking about money — can feel very personal.”
— Lora Brawley
6. You’re adding another child to the family
Adding a new baby to the family is a common occurrence, Brawley says, so it’s likely your nanny may already have an idea of what to expect. Additionally, she adds that there are industry standards regarding the “baby raise,” or how much your nanny’s pay should increase with the addition of a new child.
Typically, you should be prepared to increase your nanny’s pay between $2-$5 an hour, depending on how much their duties will increase. When you discuss this with your nanny, your conversation should center on nailing down specifics, such as:
- When and by exactly how much your nanny’s pay will increase
- How your nanny’s schedule or hours may change
- What additional responsibilities the nanny will assume
- If there will be additional help, such as a night nanny
- Any questions, concerns or needs your nanny might have
Remember: adding another baby or child is a significant change for the nanny, just as it is for the family, and it may take some trial and error to establish a new routine that works for everyone. “Recognize that flexibility may be required from both parties as the family adjusts to the changes,” Vajana says. Check in the nanny regularly to see how it’s going, and “be open to revisiting the arrangement if necessary,” she adds.
The bottom line
Any change you make to your nanny’s role or to your family dynamic can impact a nanny’s personal and professional life significantly. “To most nannies, this is more than a job,” Brawley says. “They put their whole heart into loving their kids, so conversations that are the norm in a business setting — providing feedback, talking about money — can feel very personal.”
To minimize strife, approach every conversation with care and professionalism. Remember that your nanny can only meet expectations if you are transparent about what those expectations are, provide regular feedback and give the nanny every opportunity to be informed.
As Brawley concludes, “Ask questions when you’re unsure of something, rather than make assumptions, and bring your best self to the conversation. This is both a personal and professional relationship. It makes a difference.”
