If you’re like, well, everyone, you’ve had a moment (or 50) during your childhood when your mom spewed her usual response to something you did, and you thought, “I will never, ever say that to my kids.”
You were wrong.
These days, you find yourself saying those ridiculously dated things moms say. They make no sense, and you know it’s super annoying to be on the receiving end of them. But that doesn’t stop you. Nope. Everything you insisted you would never say comes flying out of your mouth, and once you say it, you have to stick to it. You have to pretend that’s something you wanted to say, and you know your kids are thinking, “I will never, ever say that to my kids.”
Here are some things moms say and why someone needs to replace them with something more effective — or at least with something that makes an iota of sense:
1. “Hold your horses.”
All this does is invite them to remind you that you have no horse to hold.
2. “You are such a pill.”
When did you turn into your Nana? And does anyone even call people “pills” anymore?
3. “Don’t cry over spilled milk.”
This is seldom uttered in the presence of milk, which confuses the crying kid. Also, you’re the one who pays for milk, so shouldn’t you be the one crying?
4. “Don’t make me turn this car around!”
Obviously, there’s no time to turn the car around — what with the forty-seventeen commitments you have today. Turning that car around would be more of a headache for you than them.
5. “Skedaddle on out of here!”
Oh, OK Pop-Pop, they will, as soon as you give them a butterscotch candy from your dungarees pocket.
6. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
Well, now that’s just going to land them in therapy, trying to imagine all the things you did and did not do when you were their age.
7. “Shut the refrigerator door! Who do you think we are, the Rockefellers?”
Do kids these days even know who the Rockefellers are? And did you just say, “kids these days”?
8. “Don’t make me come in there!”
This is a holdover from the Idle Threats 101 course they started giving new parents in 1990. LAME.
9. “What part of ‘no’ don’t you understand?”
It was so much fun when your parents basically asked you if you were an idiot that you decided to pass on that fantastic feeling. Hooray?
10. “Take it down a notch.”
This is often said to children too young to know what “notch” means, by parents trying not to yell things like “Ugh, just shut your word hole” or “Cripes on a cracker, who fed you Fun Dip for breakfast?”
11. “When I was your age …”
Aaaaaaand … cue the dinosaur jokes.
12. “How many times do I have to tell you/say …?”
When you were a kid, this was a rhetorical question, and you knew the jig was up. Now, kids think this is a literal question. They will answer thusly and make you want to throw things.
13. “I’ve had it up to here!”
The shorter the parent, the shorter the fuse? And what is “it,” exactly?
14. “Do you have ants in your pants or something?”
This will be immediately followed by a search on some medical website on their phone, during which they’ll learn about horribly true bugs-in-pants stories that will haunt their dreams and keep YOU awake at night. Good times.
15. “If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it?”
Initiating eye roll in 3, 2, 1 …
16. “Because I said so.”
Yes, you love their inquisitive minds as they learn about the world around them, JUST NOT WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE TIME OR PATIENCE FOR ANY MORE QUESTIONS.
17. “Go to bed, I’m tired.”
Because that makes so much sense.
18. “You don’t NEED it, you WANT it.”
Saying this earns you your Official Killjoy Club members-only jacket. Congratulations.
