“Work-life balance”: the thing everyone wants, but no one knows how to get. What every lifestyle or work-related article/book/blog/vlog would refer to as the “key to having it all,” fulfilling your work goals with your parenting and family goals. But when you think about it, is “having it all” really that realistic? Or possible? Anne-Marie Slaughter famously wrote her Atlantic piece “Why Women Still Can’t Have it All” in 2012. So how much has changed since then?
I’m a mom who’s genuinely tried – and is still trying to get there. I’ve tried being a working mom and a stay-at-home mom, but neither one ever made me feel like I “had it all.” Now, I’m trying out being a work-from-home mom. And honestly, it’s the closest I’ve come to a best fit. It’s not perfect, and it’s not for everyone, but here’s why it’s ended up being the best for me.
Life as a Working Mom
Right before I had kids, my career was exactly where I wanted it to be. I’d left my job at a large law firm in New York City to work at a legal nonprofit in Portland, Oregon. The move meant taking a 75 percent pay cut, but it was worth it. I loved feeling like I was working for the good guys. I loved chatting with my colleagues. I loved the intellectual challenge. And I really loved the lifestyle shift. (Read: That I wasn’t working 70+ hours a week anymore.)
And then I got pregnant with our first son.
Before my pregnancy, I’d never considered myself the maternal type. But when he finally arrived, I had feelings I never expected to have. The 12 weeks of maternity leave went by in a flash…and then there I was, back at my desk.
When I was at work, I missed my son with a desperation I’d never felt before. I devoured him when I returned home. I started to leave work earlier and earlier, making up the work at home once he was in bed. I negotiated going to 70 percent. I felt things starting to slip. I couldn’t catch up. My husband? He watched me struggle and tried to be sympathetic, but he didn’t feel the same pull. For him, there was no question he would continue with his daily nine-to-five job. While I’m sure he missed our son, it wasn’t with the same almost physical pain that I felt.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter.
And then again with my second son.
The arrival of each kid whittled away at my schedule until I eventually had to work part-time. We were losing money, spending more on daycare and gas than I could make up. I was stretched too thin. I wasn’t able to fully enjoy my job or my children. It felt like my day was one long drop-off and pick-up.
Something had to give…and it was going to have to be my job.
Life as a Stay-at-Home Mom
Although I know that I am lucky to have even had the option to decide, the decision to leave my job was nonetheless wrenching.
It sounds dramatic, but that’s exactly how it felt: like I was being forcibly unscrewed from something that made me feel fulfilled, but also incredibly stressed out. I thought about the commute (wreeeench), knowing I’d never have another baby to enjoy (wreeeench), my distraction at work and at home (wreeeench), the ridiculous cost of daycare (wreeeench), and I was freed. But once I was freed, I felt discarded.
I had an image of life as a stay-at-home mom as leisurely. Not easy—I knew it wouldn’t be easy—but I thought that at last I would have more time to just be with my kids. Yet somehow, it seemed I still never did. Being with kids is truly a full-time job. Because I was staying home, I felt like it should also be my job to care for the home. My husband, after all, was now the sole support for our family. To be honest, I did the bulk of the household responsibilities before I quit my job too, but now the maybe 75-25 balance became closer to 90-10. And there was so much more of it – kids make messes! And when they are home all day, there is always, alwayssomething that is in the process of getting destroyed. It was a never-ending loop.
> Read one day in the life essay of a SAHM
I had a particularly hard time adjusting to the fact that I no longer had any personal space. I couldn’t sit down without being immediately covered in a writhing human blanket. I’d go to put my baby down to nap, and as soon as I crept out of his room, I’d nearly trip over my daughter.
“Can you color with me now?”
I could, of course I could. This was my job, and my pleasure. But sometimes I didn’t want to. Sometimes I wanted to just be. And this made me feel even worse. I knew I should want this, and I did want this…but I also didn’t. I longed for my desk at work, a place where I could go to be wholly me – not Mommy, but myself.
I just wasn’t satisfied, and I felt guilty about it…all the time. Here I was, with the complete freedom to enjoy my children, and my mind was elsewhere. Sometimes it seemed like it was anywhere but with them.
Eventually, I realized that staying at home wasn’t right for me either.
> See tips for being a successful SAHM
Life as a Work-From-Home Mom
I gradually began to work again. I took on a few hours as a contractor for my old nonprofit job. Then, I started to write – and eventually got paid for it. After a while, I took on a part-time editing job, too. Now, I’m working 25 hours a week from home, and I love it. I love feeling creative and productive. I love connecting with other writers. And I love the flexibility.
>See the 10 best work from home jobs
For the most part, it’s working out…but it’s still not perfect. I can juggle about four deadlines at a time before I start to feel distracted and distressed, before I become consumed by the articles I need to write and not by my toddler’s first successful grasp of past tense. And there are more times than I’d like to admit when my children clamor toward me for a snack or a hug or some acknowledgment, and I brush them off.
“I’m almost done,” I say. “I just need to read through this one more time.”
It’s hard to juggle working with having children at home. My oldest is going into 1st grade, but my younger two are only in daycare a few hours a week. And in the summer, all bets are off. When I worked away from the home, I had clear boundaries. My children were cared for in those 25 hours that I was at work, so I could get things done.
Now, it’s messier.
I’m at the point where I’m making more than I was when I was working away from home, but I have less help. And on top of the hours I’m working and caring for the children, I still have all the other responsibilities of managing a home — the cleaning, the schedule management, the cooking, the shopping, the anything. Nothing ever comes off my plate, it just piles higher and higher. I know some of this is my own doing. My husband is a good person and a good partner, and he would take on some of it if I asked him. But there are two problems. First, he just doesn’t see the chaos the way I do. A cat-hair dust bunny tumbling through the hall doesn’t bother him like it does me—it’s not even on his radar. But also, he is also stretched thin in his own way. He has a demanding job and a time-consuming volunteer job. It seems unfair to pile more onto him because of my decision to largely pull the kids out of daycare.
Even with all that I have in my life, I definitely don’t feel like I “have it all.” But I don’t think I ever will. That’s something I’m trying to come to terms with. I’m trying to make peace with what I have, and what I can give, while still respecting what I need.
Although I can’t say that I’ve found the perfect balance, I can say that I am lucky to have been able to try. And after trying them all, this is as close as I’ve come…and probably as close as I’ll get to achieving this mythical balance. More fulfillment than longing. Less guilt than joy. And really, that’s all I can hope for. I think that’s all any of us can hope for.
Ali Wilkinson lives in Portland, Oregon with her husband, three small children, and two large cats. She is a lawyer, writer, knitter, runner, and over-consumer of Nutella. Her writing has appeared on The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Elephant Journal, and The Mid, among others. She blogs about parenting and other things that make her laugh (and cry) at Run, Knit, Love.
