There’s nothing more special than parading down the street with boy-girl twins in tow. The unending oohs and aahs of strangers may even help you forget the lack of sleep and shower you couldn’t take that morning.
Of course, there’s a little or a lot of stress in the life of every parent of multiples. Raising twins isn’t easy, and bringing up babies of different sexes can pose unique challenges that escalate at various stages of development. While every child is different, here are some common problems that come up with many boy-girl twins, and how you can address them:
Little Miss Bossy Pants
Yes, it’s adorable and also predictable. Your little girl is developing faster than her twin brother and has taken the lead in lots of shared activities and games. “Often, the girl becomes a second mommy or bossy pants, and it can lead to the boy being passive. This is something you want to watch out for,” advises Dr. Pamela Varady, a clinical psychologist and mother of twins. She suggests parents teach their girl-boy twins that everybody’s needs and ideas are important and valued. “Let them know you are interested in what each of them has to say and don’t unwittingly send the message that the girl is the leader,” she says.
Dr. Joan A. Friedman, a psychotherapist, twin expert and author of “Emotionally Healthy Twins” agrees, noting that it’s smart to make sure each child gets some time without the other. “It’s a good idea to separate boy-girl twins in school, particularly if the girl has become parentified. It gives the boy a breather,” she explains. “Parents often think it’s cute, but ultimately it takes away from the parental role. It’s better to tell your girl, ‘Thank you very much but I’m the mommy here, this is not your job.'”
Hitting Those Magic Milestones
If all those milestones you’ve been happily snapping pictures of are only your daughter’s firsts, you may be anxiously wondering when your little boy will catch up. But take a deep breath, this is perfectly normal. “Girls typically hit their milestones first,” says Dr. Friedman. “It’s natural to do so, but parents should try not to compare boy-girl twins to each other, to avoid creating competition. You can do this by training yourself to see each twin as an individual,” she explains.
Although they might have been born at the same time and could share a special connection, your twins are a normal brother and sister. There will be differences in their cognitive development.
“Parents need to remember boy-girl twins are not any more genetically related than other siblings,” Dr. Varady says. “We don’t expect siblings to reach their marks at the same time, have the same IQ or motor intelligence. There’s a nice big range of a bell curve for verbal, social and emotional motor development.” However, she cautions parents to watch out for girls who seem to progress way behind their brothers. You want a specialist to rule out any potential developmental issues.
Bathrooms and Bedrooms
Whether you live in a sprawling mansion or a cozy city apartment, the issue of sharing space is bound to come up eventually. “Giving twins their own room helps them to devise their own individuality. You need alone time just like you need connections,” says Dr. Friedman, who recommends giving boy-girl twins their own space when it feels right to do so. Sometimes this will be determined by a need for privacy.
“Parents often wonder, ‘Should twins get undressed in front of each other?’ I always tell them, if you are comfortable with it, it’s OK. I prefer parents not make a big deal about it until around 8 years old,” says Dr. Varady. “Kids are curious about body parts but if one child doesn’t like it, protecting them with privacy makes sense.”
It’s no wonder that in some cultures, twins are considered good luck. Double challenges may be part of the package, but lucky for you, so is double the love.
And read What to Expect With Fraternal Twins.
Corey Whelan is the mother of all-grown-up boy-girl twins who survived sharing a room until they were 9 years old. She’s a freelance writer living in New York City.