Family caregivers may often daydream about vacation, but actually taking a break is often a different story. How could you ever get away when you have so much responsibility? Who would take care of your parent? How would your parent feel if you left? How would you feel leaving them at home?
If thinking about what would happen if you tried to get away feels more like a nightmare than a dream, don’t despair. You can take a vacation, even if you are caring for your parents. All you have to do is focus on strategy over spontaneity. Taking time away when you’re a caregiver definitely requires forethought. With careful planning, you can get away for a weekend, a week or maybe even longer.
How to go on vacation when you are a caregiver
To make the planning process manageable, organize it into three major categories: coverage, communication and conscience. First, determine who will fill in and provide “vacation care” for you, and then, work out a communication plan for while you’re away. Finally, you’ll need a strategy for managing the all-too-common guilt that might accompany taking care of yourself when you’re caring for someone else. Here, we break it down.
Coverage: Finding a temporary caregiver to fill in
The first step in planning your getaway is determining who will fill in for you as a temporary vacation caregiver. Here are a few options to consider — you may have more than you think.
Ask a sibling, family member or friend to fill in
A sibling or other close family member or friend can be a great option when you need vacation care. Even if your siblings live in another city or state, there are ways to make a short-term care arrangement work.
Carolyn Miller Parr, a family caregiver and co-author, of “Love’s Way: Living Peacefully With Your Family as Your Parents Age,” asked her two, out-of-town siblings to each cover for a week with their parents in Washington, D.C., so she could take a trip. She billed the arrangement as a semi-vacation for them, as well.
“They were sad not to be able to have the face time I had with our parents and welcomed the opportunity,” Parr says. “One advantage is that I lived in a destination city where there was a lot of good, free entertainment. My dad was an interested tourist himself — even in his 90s — so they could sightsee together, as long as he didn’t have to walk too far or stand too long.”
When Laurie, who lives with her mother in Boston, learned her brother was planning a visit to see their mother, she emailed him and asked if he could add an additional 36 hours to his stay so she could get away for a few days. He was happy to do it.
Laurie’s destination? A hotel just across town.
“The destination wasn’t the point,” she says, “It was the getting away, and the chance for silence and solitude and rest.”
Hire a temporary caregiver
While it may be easier for everyone if your parent is familiar with the fill-in caretaker, it’s not a requirement. Consider having your parent help choose the caregiver if you decide to hire a temporary home aide. At a minimum, introduce the temporary caregiver to your parent in advance, so they can start to get comfortable with each other.
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Find respite care
Another option is to look into a short-term respite stay for your parent. Many assisted living, and skilled rehab facilities and skilled nursing homes offer weeklong stays. Call facilities near you and ask about availability and rates.
Make sure to prepare your coverage
For peace of mind, especially your own, take the time to thoroughly prepare the temporary caregiver about all your parent’s caregiving needs.
Even when Laurie’s brother stepped in to care for their mom, she still needed to prepare him for the job at hand. “I wrote out two to three pages of instructions for my brother on the care and feeding of our mother — everything from medications and meals, to the night light in the bathroom, to the quirky hot water heater, plus the arrangements I had made for the medical appointment he would need to take her to,” Laurie says. “I optimistically included a reminder to empty her pockets first if he was going to do her laundry. He had lots of questions, which we went over before I left.”
Rose Reif, owner of Reif Counseling Services in Cary, North Carolina, breaks the coverage planning into four steps:
- Find a reliable, temporary caregiver.
- Show them how to provide care, including administering medication, arranging transportation, assisting with daily living activities and preparing meals. “Write down everything,” Reif recommends, “and include pictures if you can, but also physically do the activities with them present, explaining why you’re doing what you’re doing and answering their questions.”
- Before you go, have the temporary caregiver fill in while you are present.
- If time allows, do a trial run, in which you have the caregiver fill in with you nearby but not on-site.
“I recommend that people repeat steps three and four until all parties are truly comfortable,” Reif says. “Following this plan gives caregivers peace of mind that they really can trust the substitute.”
Communication: Staying in touch while you’re away
Once you’ve found a fill-in caregiver, think about how you will be in touch during your vacation. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Do you want daily updates?
- Will you make yourself available to answer questions?
- Do you only want to be contacted in an emergency? If so, be clear about what constitutes an emergency in your mind.
Laurie says her brother sent her texts throughout the weekend he covered for her: “The senior shuttle didn’t show” … “Can’t get through to doctor — voicemail system from hell” … “How do you make hot cocoa?”
You also need to think about and plan for how the temporary caregiver will communicate, if needed, with any medical personnel.
“Due to HIPAA, the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, the replacement caregiver must be on record to care and take the loved one to the hospital, doctor or other medical facility,” says James Colozzo, author of “You Got to Do What You Got to Do: My Experience as a Caregiver Taking Care of My Parents for Over 20 Years.” “They must also be on record to receive health information in your absence. Don’t forget the obvious: insurance information, a list of medications and ailments, contact information of all physicians and medical facilities that you use, as well as location, directions.”
Conscience: Dealing with caregiver guilt
Perhaps the most challenging part of taking a vacation as a caregiver is giving yourself permission to get away. Janet, of Homewood, Alabama, who booked a trip to Playa del Carmen, Mexico with her husband prior to her mother being diagnosed with metastatic cancer, felt guilty “for even thinking about going on vacation.”
Maybe you’re worried that your parent doesn’t like the idea of you leaving, even if only for a few days, and so therefore you should stay home. Psychology Today labels guilt based on shoulds “irrational guilt” and says one way to overcome it is to “define your own values and stance.” In other words, remind yourself that you deserve a vacation, let your parents know you are taking it and resist the urge to justify your decision.
Or maybe your caregiver guilt stems from worrying that something will happen to your parent while you are away. This type of thinking is unproductive worrying, writes Dr. Robert L. Leahy, the author of “The Worry Cure: 7 Steps to Stop Worry From Stopping You,” where we imagine worst-case scenarios. He suggests the best way to overcome it is to accept your own limitations. You can’t control everything that happens in your parent’s life, and whatever might happen while you are away could just as easily happen while you are home.
The bottom line
Even if you’re the primary caregiver for your aging parent, a vacation is possible — and crucial for maintaining your mental health. It takes some work, but once you’ve planned for coverage, communication and your conscience, the only thing left to plan will be your vacation itinerary.
