There are many ways to term it — goals, meaning in life or, simply, a sense of direction — but having purpose is important for both mental and physical well-being, particularly for older adults. However, when faced with the complications and limitations that can come with aging, seniors may have a harder time moving forward than younger adults, says Sondra “Sam” Cradduck, gerontologist, psychologist and owner of The Living Room. The realization of their new limitations and the changes that come with aging can lead to emotional upheaval.
As independent adults, it can be very difficult to accept when outside help is needed. “The result is [that] the aging person feels vulnerable, less human, less able and ultimately a ‘burden’ instead of a contributing part of society,” says Cradduck. And those feelings can be detrimental to their health and well-being.
Below, the experts we spoke to shared their advice for helping your loved one navigate these changes with ease, empowering them to embrace as much independence and autonomy as possible and live their lives to the fullest.
Why maintaining autonomy is vital for seniors
“As we age, we become more vulnerable to chronic health conditions that can impair functioning, resulting in relying more and more on others for help,” says Regina Koepp, board-certified clinical psychologist, clinical geropsychologist and chief executive officer of the Center for Mental Health & Aging. With that, she adds, many older adults are concerned with “being a burden on others and losing independence.”
For most people, being a present and contributing member of society and within their family is important, whether that’s by working, volunteering, taking care of their home, attending community events or even running errands on their own. And when the ability to perform those tasks independently (or at all) is taken away from them, it can have serious repercussions.
In fact, according to a study in the American Journal of Health Promotion, when older adults report a lower sense of purpose, they have a higher risk for chronic diseases and mortality.
In this, Cradduck sums it up nicely: “Helping seniors see themselves as valuable, with purpose, gives [them] a reason to live.”
“Helping seniors see themselves as valuable, with purpose, gives [them] a reason to live.”
— Sondra “Sam” Cradduck, gerontologist, psychologist and owner of The Living Room
How to support your senior loved one’s independence
Supporting your older loved one’s autonomy and independence is vital to their well-being and happiness. By utilizing the following tips from the experts we spoke to, you can help them maintain a fulfilling and purposeful life into their golden years.
Take stock of your own views on aging and disability
Just because a person is aging does not automatically mean they require care. Instead, as Koepp says, “Older adults tend to need care when they have a medical condition that is limiting their ability to care for themself.”
And how you, as their family caregiver, react to the reality of aging and illness will have a large impact on how well you’re able to support your loved one.
“Your own beliefs about aging and disability will shape how you interact with your older loved one, which will influence their behavior,” says Koepp. “[For example,] if you think your loved one has acquired wisdom and perspective on life, you’re more likely to listen to them and implicitly convey the message that they have something to contribute, which is more likely to reinforce their independence. If your older loved one feels that their life is valued, they’ll be more likely to take care of themselves, because we take care of things we value.”
On the flip side, “if you think that your loved one has nothing left to offer, your interactions with [them] are less likely to convey a sense of meaningful connection and may send the message that their life does not have worth,” says Koepp. “This type of interaction may confirm [their] fear that they’re a burden. As a result, they will be less likely to care for themselves and become more dependent.”
At the end of the day, aging is normal, and staying young and fit isn’t, says Cradduck. So it’s important to accept and understand the process and possible limitations of aging.
Educate yourself on your loved one’s health condition(s)
You can’t empathize or help with something you don’t understand, so it can be useful “for the older adult and caregiver to have a shared understanding of the chronic illness that the older adult is living with, how the illness changes over time, what sorts of care the person needs now and may need down the road,” says Koepp. “The older adult and caregiver may need to meet with health care providers together to get answers to these questions so they can prepare.”
Don’t infantilize them
While it is often treated as such, Cradduck emphatically states that aging is not a second childhood, pointing out, “We have to stop viewing this process through a rearview mirror; we are not going backwards into infancy, we are aging forward, and our needs do not make us less adult.”
However, this mindset doesn’t always come from a place of being intentionally patronizing. “As family members or as caregivers, we, out of our love, want to do everything for a loved one,” says Nicole Will, founder of willGather podcast and cofounder of Think Tank. “We think that we are being so sacrificial, and we’re being so loving.”
And while sometimes it may feel easier to do things for them, you want to be aware of actions that might inhibit their independence, says Cradduck. Whether that’s assuming they need help tying their shoes or shopping for their own groceries, it is doing them a disservice in the long run.
Instead, Will says the focus should be on empowering them to do what they can — so they can continue exercising their physical and cognitive abilities and stay focused on the tasks that create meaning in their life.
Ultimately, Will and Cradduck agree that, unless it’s a question of safety, caregivers need to let them make their own choices. “If an aging person is cognitively able to make decisions, then they should be able to make as many good or bad decisions as they want, because they are adults. Anything less is taking away their rights,” says Cradduck.
Find ways to outsource chores they don’t love doing
One way to approach helping your older loved ones is by shifting the focus to activities they enjoy, says Will. Make a list of everyday things they have to do that they don’t love — mowing the lawn, getting groceries and cleaning the house, for example — and then help them outsource or delegate them.
Setting up support systems in this way allows them to both make their priorities heard, and also leaves them with enough “gas in the tank” to do the things they’d like to spend their time doing.
Prioritize communicating with them
Reaching the point of needing help as an older adult can be a big life change, one that can pose its own unique challenges for both caregiver and senior, says Koepp. “Just as the caregiver might be providing care for the first time, the older adult may be receiving care for the first time and adjusting to a chronic and life-altering illness.” But the entire process will be much smoother if both parties respect each other and communicate clearly, adds Koepp.
One important aspect of showing them respect is talking to them about their preferences and including them in important conversations, says Will.
“Even if they’re hard of hearing or they’re a person living with dementia, communicate to them if they’re in the room, make them a part of the conversation,” encourages Will. “It is so dismissive if we’re having, let’s say, a conversation with the physician about our loved one, and they’re sitting right there, and we’re not even acknowledging their presence.”
“Your own beliefs about aging and disability will shape how you interact with your older loved one, which will influence their behavior.”
— Regina Koepp, a board-certified clinical geropsychologist and founder and chief operating officer of the Center for Mental Health & Aging
Ways seniors can actively participate in their care decisions
Because the question of how older adults can participate in their care decisions and daily tasks is so dependent on the individual and their specific circumstances and health, Will advises thinking about this topic in categories, such as at home, transportation, food and hydration and social connections and then, brainstorming ways to support independence within each aspect of life.
Consider questions like:
- What changes can be made in the home to make things easier or safer?
- Would using Uber or hiring a care companion to drive your loved one around cause less stress?
- Is it an option to have an adult day bus pick them up so they can socialize with their friends?
Approaching the question of how to involve them in their care in ways that foster independence in this way can make the task easier to tackle.
Resources and tools for senior care
Seeking out resources to care for your senior loved ones when you’re already overwhelmed is exhausting, so the experts we spoke to shared some of their go-to resources to access the knowledge and tools to make the caregiving journey smoother.
- Area Agency on Aging: A free resource in the United States that can connect caregivers to resources near them, like home health assistance and senior centers.
- Healthcare planning guide: A workbook for navigating health care and chronic health conditions.
- Medication organizers and reminder systems.
- AgeTech Collaborative from AARP: A collaborative that spotlights products and companies in the AgeTech space.
- Local support groups that are specific to your loved one’s chronic health condition.
- CareMobi: A free app that streamlines health information between family members, loved ones, doctors, nurses and other healthcare providers.
- Hilarity for Charity: A nonprofit that supports families impacted by Alzheimer’s disease.
- Nobi lamp: A smart lamp that is designed to prevent and detect falls.
- willGather: Navigating the World with Your Aging Loved One: A podcast that explores the world of aging and care.
- The Center for Mental Health and Aging: A resource hub for senior caregivers and providers.
The bottom line on empowering your senior loved one’s autonomy
Empowering your aging loved one begins with recognizing the importance of purpose and involvement in their daily lives. Encouraging them to participate in day-to-day choices fosters a sense of autonomy and well-being, which is crucial as they age.
It is also vital to keep the lines of communication open and make care decisions for the future sooner, rather than later, says Cradduck. Proactively talking about potential future needs and wishes can ease transitions and ensure that plans reflect your loved one’s wishes.
And if differences of opinion arise and cause tension, “it may help to work with a therapist who specializes with older adults to help with communication, or with an aging life care expert to help assess the older person’s needs in the home and make recommendations,” says Koepp.
In the end, accepting that your aging loved one is an adult with their own desires and perspectives is key. By working as a team and fostering open and respectful communication, you will create an environment in which everyone can thrive.
