One of the toughest challenges nannies or sitters face is navigating their relationship with highly involved parents. A highly involved parent is someone who may check in constantly to see what you’re doing with the child, ask for a play-by-play of the day or even limit the types of activities you can engage in. Others may be physically present more often or continue to actively parent even when you’re on the clock.
Highly involved parents’ behavior may feel undermining to a nanny or sitter and even make your job more difficult. It can be frustrating for both parties, and some care providers may even feel like they need to quit. But it doesn’t necessarily have to come to that. Here, nannies and experts break down highly involved parents’ behavior and offer tips for working with them.
1. Understand why parents are highly involved
Worry comes naturally with parenting. Parents worry about their baby’s development, about how much their toddler is eating and whether or not their school-aged kid is making friends. But some parents may have a harder time coping with these worries, and some may feel that staying involved in every part of their child’s life — even after they hire a nanny or sitter — can help them manage those emotions.
Elaine Taylor-Klaus, a co-active coach, professional certified coach and founder of Impact Parents, which provides behavior management training for parents and educators, explains, “Parents struggle with letting go for many reasons, and most of them come back to fear. Controlling others is a way to manage fear… whether it’s because they must be seen as a certain kind of parent or because they’re trying to live up to some external expectations.”
Unfortunately, a parent’s fears can hinder your ability to provide the best care. But while dealing with parent behavior like this can be frustrating, remember that many parents may not realize what they’re doing, says Taylor-Klaus. Controlling parents usually just want what’s best for their child, but they may struggle to trust that someone else will want that, too.
2. Acknowledge their fears
One of the best ways to handle a highly involved parent? Put yourself in their shoes, says Rebecca Webb, a child care provider from Tucker, Georgia.
“No matter who the parents were or what ‘vibe’ I got from them, I would always let them know that I was there to take care of the kids to the best of my abilities, and that I understood how big of a deal it was that they were trusting me with their child,” Webb says. “This would put them at ease immediately and make them feel heard.”
Acknowledge how scary it can be to let someone else care for their child, and remind them you both have their child’s best interest at heart. You can do this at the start of your relationship (during the job interview, for example) and again throughout the early weeks of your position. A simple, “I love taking care of [child’s name] — they are such a joy!” will melt any mom or dad’s heart and put them at ease when they leave the child in your care.
3. Communication is key
Honest communication is vital in all caregiver-employer relationships, but that is even more true when you’re working with a parent who wants to be highly involved.
Ashley Allen, nanny and teacher from Longmont, Colorado, explains her process for communicating with highly involved parents: “First and foremost, I try not to take it as an insult. Rather, I remind myself that I have their most prized possession in my care.”
When she starts with a new family or is navigating a highly involved parent relationship, Allen says her trick is to “kill them with kindness.” She makes space for a parent’s concerns, will abide by all their rules and communicate with them as much as they need in the beginning — no matter how demanding they may seem. “Once you build a relationship with the parents and they see their child loves being with you, they will be more open to ideas later down the road,” Allen says.
She adds that while nannies and sitters should “listen to the parents’ thoughts, ideas and concerns respectfully,” you should always trust your professional judgement.
“It is likely you have worked with many kids, at different ages and different situations, and that gives you a lot of tools!” Allen says. “Don’t be afraid to share your past experiences and what has worked (or not worked) previously for you.”
Then, let parents decide what to do with that information.
4. Keep everyone in the loop
Think of ways in which you can reassure your employer that everything is OK throughout the day — before they engage you. Send a few text updates on the children throughout the day, keep logs, have mini meetings at the end of the day before you leave or use one of several popular caregiver apps to stay connected.
“I always keep notes on the day, no matter what age the children,” says Christa Doyle, lead teacher and director of a preschool in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. “Some parents want to know when their child used the bathroom and how much they ate while others just want to know what we did during the day.”
Based on what the parents want to know, Doyle will try to log as much information as she can. That way, parents feel like part of their child’s day, she explains.
The simple act of updating parents on these details makes them feel more involved and also shows them that you’re taking an active role in keeping them connected.
5. Adapt to the parents’ requests
If you’re an experienced nanny, you have your own child care style. You may be a bit of a stickler for the rules, or you may be a lover of high-energy play. Either way, it can be hard to adapt to families who are highly involved, as their parenting style or expectations may be different than your own. When this happens, you may be tempted to suggest changes that reflect your style.
Dr. Sherrie Campbell, a licensed psychologist in Orange County, California, doesn’t think this is the wisest approach. “To the best of their ability, nannies should try and stick as closely to the parent’s needs and wishes,” she says. “When you follow the rules, it can decrease the anxiety in the parent. This helps to soothe and decrease their need to control.”
Rachelle Gershkovich, owner of Denver-based nanny agency Maternal Instincts, puts it another way: “Always respect the parents in their parenting journey. They are learning as they go.”
She adds that you can “support parents with resources and education on ways to improve in a space they struggle,” but always have patience.
6. Discuss who ‘owns the day’
Lydia Brown, a former nanny and owner of Chicago Collegiate Nannies, was caring for children whose mom worked from home. Instead of working in her office, though, the mom would “set up shop right in the kitchen — the busiest part of the home,” says Brown. While she would work, she would also chat with the kids and take part in activities that were going on around her.
“It wasn’t all bad,” says Brown, who knew the mom just wanted to feel like a part of her kids’ day. “But it got to the point where the kids would start ‘shopping’ for answers between me and their mom.”
If Brown said no to cupcakes before dinner, for example, they’d go and ask their mom, who would say yes. This led to confused kids and a frustrated nanny. One night, after putting the kids to bed, Brown says she had a straightforward chat with her boss.
“Do you want to own the day, or do you want me to?” she asked.
“What do you mean?” asked the mom.
“I mean, do you want to be the one running the show every day, or do you want me to?” Allen says she replied. “Either way is fine, but we need to get on the same page so the kids know what to expect.”
The key here is that Brown wasn’t attacking the mom or giving her an ultimatum: She was simply asking what the mom wanted from her nanny — and she put the kids first when she did it. The mom was adamant that she wanted Brown to “own the day,” and they both left the conversation with a better understanding of their roles. After that, the mom would still work in the kitchen, but it was clear who was in charge. When the kids would “shop” for answers after their chat, the mom would say “Lydia is in charge.” And that was that.
7. Find out what parents really want
How many times have you applied for a position only to find out that the parents wanted more or less child care than expected?
While it may take time to learn the nuances of parents’ needs, Brown explains there are a few questions you can ask to make sure you know what the role you’ll take in the household will look like:
- Do you want me to plan activities, meals, etc. — or do you want to do those things?
- How do you want us to handle discipline issues?
- What sort of communication — frequent check-ins, a daily recap, etc. — do you prefer throughout the day?
- Do you work from home or stay home? If so, how do you want to handle the times we are both interacting with the child?
Use the interview period, and even a trial period, to determine if the family is the right fit for you.
8. Know when to let go
Sometimes, you can do all you can to build a healthy relationship with your employer, and it just doesn’t work out. Before you decide to look for a new job, review your actions and honestly assess if you’ve done all you can. If you feel you have, there are plenty of ways to (respectfully) part ways. Once you’ve given notice, you can begin looking for a new position with a family who is more aligned with your professional style and goals.
