When the terrible twos arrive, parents often struggle with their child’s transformation, says Darby Fox, child and adolescent family therapist, author and parent of four in New York City. “Suddenly, this sweet little baby is starting to have the ability to say no, either verbally or in what they’re doing,” Fox explains.
However, “the ‘terrible twos’ is a terrible name for it,” says Janice Robinson-Celeste, an early childhood specialist, parenting educator and publisher and CEO of Successful Parenting Media in Atlanta. This phase doesn’t have to be terrible, she says, and it’s a misnomer: the “terrible twos” usually start between 16 to 18 months, though potentially earlier — and last up to or past age 3.
While the length, intensity and triggers associated with this phase vary by child, Robinson-Celeste says parents should expect some flavor of it. So, what causes the dreaded terrible twos, and how can parents and caregivers handle the trademark tantrums and defiance in a positive way without losing their sanity? Ahead, early childhood and parenting experts share their best tips on how to deal with terrible twos.
What are the terrible twos, and why do they happen?
The terrible twos are a nickname for “a normal developmental phase that children go through that is often accompanied by temper tantrums, defiant behavior or frustration,” says Gigi Schweikert, parenting and education expert, mom of four and CEO of Lightbridge Academy.
“Around the age of 2, toddlers begin to experience a wide range of emotions… but they haven’t yet learned how to regulate or express these feelings through effective communication skills.”
—Gigi Schweikert, CEO of Lightbridge Academy
Schweikert says seemingly “bad” behaviors often aren’t. For example:
Saying “no”
Saying “no” at this stage isn’t about defiance, but growth, Schweikert says. Children are establishing their sense of self and realizing they’re not helpless, so they want to do things independently while actively exploring their environment, she adds.
“That age is also a critical time for language acquisition as they try to figure out how to communicate so people understand them,” Robinson-Celeste says. “And that’s something we can help them with.”
Tantrums
This is also a time for big feelings. “Around the age of 2, toddlers begin to experience a wide range of emotions, from joy to frustration, but they haven’t yet learned how to regulate or express these feelings through effective communication skills,” Schweikert notes. “This can lead to frequent emotional outbursts, like tantrums or crying. They have limited impulse control, meaning they often act on their feelings or desires immediately without thinking about consequences.”
Testing limits
During this formative stage, Robinson-Celeste adds, “Children undergo intense cognitive, emotional and social development that is their foundation for future learning.” Their brains are forming millions of new connections as they rapidly try to process complex new feelings, develop new skills and learn through play and exploration, she says.
For example, they may emulate family members or caregivers — even without understanding if the activities are safe. Hitting and biting are also common signs of the terrible twos. They’re testing boundaries, getting overwhelmed easily and starting to develop empathy, Robin-Celeste explains.
“Can you imagine being in that little body, and your vocabulary is so limited, but you’re trying to express yourself and no one is understanding you…?”
—Janice Robinson-Celeste, early childhood specialist, parent educator and CEO of Successful Parenting Media
How to deal with the terrible twos — and strengthen your bond
Frustrated kids can translate to frustrated parents, but experts say these strategies can make it easier to get through those terrible two moments.
1. Cultivate compassion
During outbursts, Robinson-Celeste encourages frazzled parents to put themselves in the child’s shoes. “Can you imagine being in that little body, and your vocabulary is so limited, but you’re trying to express yourself and no one is understanding you the way you want to be understood?” she says. “So, you get frustrated quickly, and the only way you know how to express that and get your feelings across…is to fall on the floor and have a tantrum.”
“Ask yourself how you were treated, or how you would have wanted to be treated, when you were 2 years old and couldn’t express yourself,” she adds. “Remember, they’ve only been on this earth for two years. We’re not even experts at a job in two years, so give them some grace and take a deep breath.”
2. Rethink discipline
Defiant behaviors might tempt parents to unleash their own fury — and we may have experienced this dynamic ourselves growing up — but remember that these are raw, young little people who want to please and explore, Fox says.
When a toddler isn’t doing what you want, Fox says, “align with them and talk them through different ways to handle it, as opposed to coming down tough.” Try: “I see you’re frustrated, but it’s time to put that down,” or, “I know you’re frustrated; however, this is what we need to do.”
There’s benefit to embracing an overwhelmed kiddo. “The more they aren’t shamed, the more you’ll see compliance with what you’re looking for,” Fox continues. “Discipline is to teach, it’s not to punish. That’s a really important notion to carry through from 2 years old on: What am I teaching you? What am I trying to teach? That is discipline, and that usually comes with some patience, pulling back and modeling.”
3. Use redirection
Schweikert advises parents and caregivers to avoid falling into the trap of saying “no” all the time, and instead redirect children into a “yes” activity. Here’s how she describes that in practice:
- Use positive language stating what you want them to do.
- Provide acceptable choices.
- Distract them with a different activity.
- Calmly explain why the former action is not allowed.
“Essentially, focus on positive reinforcement rather than simply saying no,” she explains.
4. Find a safe space for tantrums
Tantrums will happen, so when an active tantrum starts, first make sure it’s happening in a safe location, Robinson-Celeste says. If you’re in public, this may require picking the child up and taking them somewhere more conducive to calming down.
“As long as they’re in a safe space and you can watch them, there’s nothing wrong with them having a tantrum,” she adds. “Just let them go through it and [feel] all the emotions.”
5. Help translate emotions into words
At this stage, children don’t have the ability to express or articulate a range of emotions, and they learn through play and experience, Fox says. This gives parents and caregivers the opportunity to help children forge these skills and start developing expression and empathy.
A few strategies Fox suggests:
- Labeling their feelings. Use statements like, “I can see you’re sad,” or “I see you’re frustrated.”
- Pointing out what others are doing or feeling. “Look at that policeman over there. He’s blowing his whistle, and he looks mad!”
- Connecting somatic responses to emotions. If you notice a child clenching their fists or tightening their bodies, Fox recommends helping them put language to the body movement. Ask, “When you tighten your body, what does that mean? Are you mad? Are you scared?”
“Should your child be frustrated or mid-tantrum and not be able to express what’s wrong, try narrating what they’re feeling out loud,” Schweikert says. “This acknowledges their emotions and also helps to find a solution when the child may not have the vocabulary to express it themselves.”
Robinson-Celeste says there’s a wide range of tools and techniques parents can leverage to help their children start understanding emotions and becoming well-rounded as they mature. This could include books, toys, photos or even Disney’s “Inside Out” movie series.
6. Know when it’s not time to talk
If a toddler is really out of control or not getting their way, trying to talk or bargain might not work at that moment. “They won’t hear it, it’ll just enrage them, and that’s where we get the kicking, screaming and continued tantrumming,” Fox explains.
In that situation, adults might find more success by giving kids a few quiet minutes to regulate before trying to talk or engage them in something else. What matters is you’re there for them. “It’s incredibly important that we help them through that and let them know you’re not always going to get what you want, and you’ll be OK,” Fox adds.
7. Don’t take it personally
Parents and caregivers who pour everything into children may feel hurt or disappointed at times, but keep reminding yourself it’s not about you and it’s not a personal battle, Fox says.
“It’s really about this little person who doesn’t understand the world exists largely outside of themselves,” she explains. “They’re the most important thing in their world until they get a little bit older. If we can remember that it’s not personal, then hopefully we don’t have to get as mad.”
Expert strategies to avoid tantrums before they start
Tantrums are inevitable, though Robinson-Celeste acknowledges the strain on parents, grandparents and caregivers who already feel exhausted and impatient. But there are ways to reduce the occurrence of tantrums and meltdowns, as well as their intensity. Here are some tips to help slow down or avert a tantrum before it becomes, as Robinson-Celeste puts it, “apocalyptic.”
1. Take a breath
Before a small upset becomes a full-blown meltdown, Fox suggests modeling your desired behavior and keeping everyone calm. “We too quickly jump into ‘why are you doing that’ or ‘don’t do that,’ but that escalated stance just perpetuates the tantrum,” Fox notes.
Instead, she recommends saying something like, “OK, take a deep breath. What do you need?” Taking a few big, deep breaths with the child is extremely effective at calming the nervous system, Fox says, and people are often surprised by how compliant kids are with it. Once settled, you can respond to their request.
2. Distract them
If a child hasn’t gone ballistic, or if they’re starting to calm down, Robinson-Celeste recommends trying to quickly divert their attention elsewhere to break the cycle of losing control. Kids can very quickly forget they were pre- or mid-tantrum when distracted by a book or toy, or encouraged into an activity they like.
If they say they want a toy truck, for example, but someone is using it, Fox suggests saying, “You can’t have it right now since someone else is playing with it. Let’s find something else.”
3. Offer choices
Since toddlers desire independence, offering choices can provide a sense of autonomy and lessen outbursts, Robinson-Celeste says.
To maximize learning, she suggests parents buy or create index cards containing both pictures and words of objects and activities. For example, she explains, you could say, “On our schedule it says it’s playtime, but you can have your snack early if you’d like. Which one do you want to do now, snack or playtime?” Then, put the two cards in front of them, one representing each option, allowing them to feel like they’re making their own decisions.
“Consistency is really important; if you’ve said we can’t do this or we’re not going to do that, you can’t give in to the tantrums.”
—Darby Fox, child and adolescent family therapist and author
4. Be consistent amid pushback
“Any young child will push back when you’re requesting something of them that they don’t want to do, whether it’s standing on the couch or not eating more cookies,” Fox says. Even if saying no is hard, remaining firm pays off.
“Consistency is really important; if you’ve said we can’t do this or we’re not going to do that, you can’t give in to the tantrums,” Fox says.
Schweikert adds that it’s important to maintain boundaries while allowing flexibility when appropriate. On top of that, she says, proactive praise and positive reinforcement for good behavior can encourage cooperation and reduce defiance over time.
5. Keep a schedule
Older children become adaptable to changes, but toddlers really need a consistent schedule, Robinson-Celeste says. Failing to follow their natural schedule is the biggest mistake she sees parents make.
This doesn’t mean catering to their every whim; it’s about learning their ideal rhythm for sleeping, waking and eating, and sticking with it until they’re able to adapt. “If a parent knows the child wants to nap around 1pm, then why are we at Disney at 1 with no plan for a nap?” she asks. “If we know they’ll be hungry at a certain time, why are we out with no snacks then?” She says consistent routines also help children feel safe and can keep tantrums at bay.
6. Provide positive reinforcement
When a child acts out, “acknowledging their emotions and validating their feelings helps them feel understood, while redirecting attention to positive behaviors can prevent escalation,” Schweikert says.
Kids — especially if they’re trying hard to communicate — need to be told they’re safe and OK, Robinson-Celeste says. She urges positive reinforcement, even through simple phrases like “You did a great job!” or “You should be proud of yourself!”
Providing comfort is especially important for kids experiencing tantrums outside typical reasons, like if they’re sick or kept up late by parents, Fox adds. For example, a tired toddler at a loud restaurant past their bedtime may feel overloaded, leading to a somatic (physical) response and meltdown. “That’s on us as the parents or caregivers to recognize the difference,” Fox explains. “That means we really need to embrace them, change the scenery and soothe them — not isolate them or say stop.”
What comes after the terrible twos?
Here’s the best news: the terrible twos don’t last forever. By age 4 and 5, tantrumming should be greatly minimized and less hand-holding is required, Fox says. It gets more obvious if they’re doing something just to get a response, and it’s easier to ignore it or ask them to self-soothe.
Between ages 3 and 4, Robinson-Celeste says, they start become more rational and develop their vocabulary. “Remember, they’re not going to be doing this in college or high school!” she adds.
The bottom line
The terrible twos can be a trying time for the whole family, but struggling parents and caregivers should know that it’s normal, healthy and, perhaps most importantly, temporary.
Plus, this isn’t just a tough stage to survive — it’s a formative time where your child learns and develops critical skills that will serve them the rest of their lives. “Sometimes in toddler development, it’s actually very healthy for them to start to develop that sense of ‘I can say no’ or ‘I can comply.'” Fox says. “That’s good character development and that’s what we want.”
