As a mother, it seems as if I spend an inordinate amount of time imagining all the terrible things that could go wrong. From the day I brought my baby home, I worried. I worried that I’d drop him. He’d catch a cold. I feared he’d stop breathing in his sleep.
Sixteen months later, these fourth-trimester fears have been replaced by a whole different set of concerns: I worry my curious toddler will drown in a toilet. I fear I’ll forget to lock the child gate and he’ll fall down the steps. Or something bad will happen to me or his dad.
When it comes to fear, I have to wonder: Does it ever go away?
Not really, says Dr. Arielle Ornstein, a pediatrician with the Northeast Medical Group Pediatrics in Rye Brook, New York, and a mother of two. In addition to treating common illnesses and tending to minor injuries, Jornstein considers it part of her job to help patients negotiate all the ins and outs of parenting, including fear and anxiety.
“I think parenting can be scary because we fear the unknown,” Ornstein says. “When your children are little, you do everything in your power to protect them. But you can’t prevent everything. When they get older, you have even less control.”
I spoke to other parents about their biggest nightmares, and apparently my No. 1 anxieties are not uncommon. Ornstein suggests how to cope with eight of our biggest fears.
1. Serious illness
If you worry your child will come down with a life-threatening or debilitating disease, you’re not alone.
Rebecca Johnson, of Hamilton, Ontario, worried all throughout her low-risk pregnancy.
“Now that I have a healthy 10-month-old, I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop and for some scary diagnosis,” Johnson says.
HOW TO FEEL BETTER: “Luckily, a lot of the serious illnesses that scare us the most are rare, and while no one wants their family to go through that, they are treatable,” Ornstein says.
2. Injuries and accidents
If you’re like most parents, a fear that your child will be involved in an accident is high on your list of concerns.
Tampa, Florida, mom Erika Vidal Holmes describes herself as “extremely paranoid” about choking.
“I still cut my 5-year-old’s grapes in half lengthwise,” she says.
Hugo Schwyzer, a dad from Hermosa Beach, California, says his greatest fear is car accidents.
“I imagine one of [my kids] running into traffic, or a distracted driver ploughing through an intersection,” he says.
HOW TO FEEL BETTER: If you don’t feel prepared to respond to a medical emergency involving your child, Ornstein suggests learning some basics, such as CPR. Besides this, Ornstein says, “Accidents can happen even when there are lots of adults around, so make sure that someone is always assigned the responsibility to watch the child.”
3. Death
Parenting makes us acutely aware of our mortality.
When it comes to her greatest fear, Jordan Rosenfeld, a mom from Morgan Hill, California, says, “It’s a tie between losing him to an accident or him losing me.”
Mom Shana Westlake, of Rockville, Maryland, concurs: “I’ve surprised myself by being more afraid of something happening to me than something happening to my kids. I’m really afraid of the idea that my husband will be left alone to raise our young kids and my children will grow up without their mother.”
HOW TO FEEL BETTER: Have a plan in place.
“Make sure you have a will and have decided who’ll look after your children,” says Ornstein.
4. Stranger danger
For many parents, it’s the fear of someone they don’t know harming their child that keeps them up at night.
Lisa Ibarra, a mom from Houston, Texas, has a specific nightmare scenario: “I’m afraid my daughter will get stolen from a parking lot and raped.”
Ibarra says she got the idea from a neighborhood Facebook group, where mothers often post stories of feeling followed or thinking their children’s picture was taken by a stranger without their permission.
HOW TO FEEL BETTER: According to David Finkelhor, the director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire and a researcher for the National Incidence Studies of Missing, Abducted, Runaway and Thrownaway Children, abductions by strangers are statistically rare.
Even so, Ornstein says, it’s important to educate your child about boundaries — teaching them, for example, to never reveal personal details. Another word of advice: “Teach your kids if they’re out in an unfamiliar place and get lost to look for a mom with kids,” Ornstein says.
5. Political realities
You may have followed the news before you had children, but when you become a parent, current events and politics can become an even greater cause of concern.
Parents raising daughters are often concerned about gender-based violence, such as sexual assault or abusive relationships, whereas parents of sons worry about raising moral men.
Jersey City mom Anna Davies says, “Global warming and the possibility of a global economy crash are two things I worry about regularly.”
Emily McCombs, the mother of a black son living in Brooklyn, New York, says, “One of my biggest fears is that my kid will be killed by the police.”
HOW TO FEEL BETTER: “Engage your family in a political solution so that you and your children don’t feel helpless,” Ornstein says.
Attend a rally, sign a petition or take them with you when you vote.
6. Gun violence in school
According to a recent national poll, one in three U.S. parents fear for their child’s safety while at school. It’s no wonder: Data collected by the U.S. Naval Postgraduate School found that 2018 was by far the worst year on record for gun violence in schools.
“Every time there’s a school shooting in the news, I have anxiety attacks and nightmares,” says Denver, Colorado, mom Lindsay King-Miller. “My kids aren’t even in school yet.”
“When I drop my son off, I take a mental note of what he is wearing in case I have to describe it to police after a shooting,” says mom Nina McCollum, of Cleveland, Ohio.
HOW TO FEEL BETTER: “Again, even though they’re huge in our imaginations, the incidence is rare,” says Ornstein.
Even so, Ornstein recommends parents talk to our children about gun violence in age-appropriate ways.
7. Peer pressure and drugs
When you become a parent, you remember what it was like when you were a kid. For some of us, that opens up a world of frightening possibilities.
Misty Bing, a mom from Canton, Ohio, worries about her kids “giving in to peer pressure when they are teens and doing stupid, dangerous things.”
For many parents, high on that list is drugs.
HOW TO FEEL BETTER: Keep an open line of communication with your children.
“They have to be able to come and talk to you and not feel as if they’ll get in trouble,” Ornstein says.
8. Lack of resilience
Even when we do our best to protect our children, we may fear it’s not enough. Paradoxically, some parents fear their children have lived what Natasha Zloccowick, of Tuckahoe, New York, describes as “a charmed life.”
“My worst fear is that [my children] won’t have the resiliency to cope with adversity or bounce back from trauma,” Zloccowick says.
HOW TO FEEL BETTER: “Kids are strong and naturally resilient,” Ornstein says. “I know we think everything we do will shape them and affect them, but that’s only true to a point.”
The bottom line
“It’s normal to have fears and anxieties,” says Ornstein. “We can only do the best we can to ensure our kids are healthy, happy and safe.”
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by fear, Ornstein suggests you talk to your pediatrician or take advantage of other resources.
“Talk to school administrators, teachers and family members about your anxieties,” Ornstein says. “It really takes a village.”
Read next: Ways life changes when you become a mom
