Santa Claus may be a jolly, red harbinger of holiday cheer, but for many parents, he also serves another purpose: helping to keep kids’ behavior in line throughout the holiday season. For years, it’s been a standard practice among families who celebrate Christmas to warn kids that Santa can see when they’ve been “bad” or “good” — and that he’ll update the names on his “naughty or nice” lists accordingly. But what impact does the threat of Santa’s “naughty or nice” list actually have on kids?
Santa-centric discipline tactics might be as traditional as Christmas cookies at this point, but some experts warn that these tactics could inspire unintended anxiety and shame in kids. Instead, they’re encouraging well-meaning parents to rethink the use of Santa-related threats. Here’s what experts say parents should know about using Santa’s “naughty or nice” list as a behavior tool, as well as some positive ways to reframe this holiday tradition to protect kids’ mental health.
Thinking twice about Santa’s ‘naughty or nice’ lists
If you ask Chazz Lewis, a parenting coach who runs the popular TikTok account MrChazzMrChazz, Santa’s naughty list should become a relic of the past. In a recent video with nearly 3,000 views, he offers four reasons why he says the naughty list is outdated and harmful to kids.
Here are Lewis’s reasons why Santa’s naughty list might do more harm than good:
Parents should avoid labeling kids as ‘bad’ or ‘good’
“Labeling kids is unhelpful at best and psychologically harmful at worst,” Lewis explains. “It constricts this human being into a box that is hard for them to break out of.”
Threats about the naughty list are potentially manipulative
“There so many fun things with Santa — the cookies, the carrots [for the reindeer], the presents — that we don’t need to add a manipulative naughty or nice list. If anything, it takes away from what the Christmas spirit is all about, which is kindness and giving,” he says.
Santa’s gift-giving isn’t always fair
“What determines the amount and quality of the presents a child gets is not based off of their morality; it’s based off the wealth of the family,” Lewis says. If children think Santa only brings amazing gifts to “good” children, then they might internalize the idea that they are “bad” if they’re from a lower income household and get fewer or smaller gifts.
Judgy Santa myths can encourage kids to judge others
Kids who are taught to see Santa as “the morality police” might think less of peers who get fewer gifts than they do, Lewis warns. They might also start to see it as their job to determine the “goodness” or “badness” of the people around them. “They’ll be more likely to judge others, as opposed to doing what the Christmas spirit is really about, which is giving and caring for others,” Lewis explains.
Is Santa’s ‘naughty or nice’ list really problematic?
Lewis isn’t the first or only parenting expert to express concerns about Santa Claus. Jess VanderWeir, a child therapist, recently used her own TikTok account to warn parents that using things like Santa’s ‘naughty or nice’ list and the Elf On The Shelf as behavior tools can put undue pressure on kids throughout the holiday season. “They’re always thinking that Santa or the Elf is watching all of their behavior,” she explains in her video. “What we know about children is a core need they have is to rest, and a child can’t rest when they always feel like they have to be on.”
“It’s important to remember that Santa and Christmas should ideally be about joy and the spirit of giving, rather than fear of punishment or judgment.”
— Daniel Rinaldi, therapist and life coach
In 2019, the National Alliance on Mental Illness even put out a PSA about Santa’s ‘naughty or nice’ list. In it, a crestfallen Santa Claus sits on a rooftop and contemplates where he went “wrong” in creating his infamous lists. “It started out with good intentions… but naughty or nice, as if some kids don’t have enough to worry about, only to have me judge them without context, without perspective,” he says. “Did I condemn every kid who ever felt like a misfit toy?”
Of course, not everyone agrees that Santa’s naughty list is a source of harm. The naughty list is still prominently featured in modern Christmas movies and television specials, like “Elf” and “Noelle.” Additionally, the Elf On The Shelf, a tool that expands on the naughty list concept by deploying scout elves to “spy” on kids and report back to Santa about their behavior, was introduced as recently as 2005. According to CNBC, more than 14.5 million elves have been sold since. Clearly, millions of people still enjoy and actively participate in traditions centered on Santa’s naughty and nice lists.
It’s not possible to say how any single tradition will impact every child. Kids are different, and no two families celebrate Christmas in the exact same way. Daniel Rinaldi, a therapist and life coach, says that when introducing holiday traditions, it’s important to consider how young kids process information and what values you hope to teach through those celebrations.
“Children, at a young age, are highly impressionable and lean into fear, shame and anxiety,” he says. “Using Santa’s list as a disciplinary tool seems like constant surveillance and conditional love for children. It’s important to remember that Santa and Christmas should ideally be about joy and the spirit of giving rather than fear of punishment or judgment.”
How to teach kids about Santa Claus in healthy way
It can be difficult to untangle the idea of Santa Claus from the accompanying stories about him watching over kids and measuring their level of obedience, especially when traditions like Elf On The Shelf are beloved in your family. Niro Feliciano, a cognitive psychotherapist, author and host of the podcast All Things Life, recommends a balanced approach.
“What I usually tell parents is that you need to do what’s best for your family depending on what types of kids you have,” she says. “For some kids, this is not an issue. They will always be on the ‘nice list,’ and it’s fun for them and for the family. However, I have seen this cause anxiety for kids who are not so sure if they’re on that nice list.”
“It’s important to separate behavior from identity. We don’t want kids to think of themselves as inherently naughty or not nice. Kids are inherently good, and we want to affirm that as part of their identity.”
— Niro Feliciano, cognitive psychotherapist
Feliciano adds that neurodivergence can make some children more prone to anxiety or behaviors, like impulsivity, that are seen as acting out. “They may make great effort to be good or nice, but struggle inherently,” she explains. So, it’s important for parents to take their child’s individual needs into account and make decisions from there. Here are some ways the experts say you can engage with the Santa myth while still protecting kids’ self esteem and mental health.
1. Affirm kids’ goodness
Feliciano says it’s necessary for parents to clarify that Santa’s naughty and nice lists are related to behavior and choices, not the inherent goodness of the child. “It’s important to separate behavior from identity. We don’t want kids to think of themselves as inherently naughty or not nice,” she says. “Kids are inherently good, and we want to affirm that as part of their identity.”
2. Focus on joy
When introducing Christmas myths and characters like Santa Claus or Elf On The Shelf, Rinaldi says to center the joyful, playful and fun parts of the stories. “Parents can focus on these stories as a playful additive rather than as behavior-monitoring elements,” Rinaldi explains. “For example, the Elf On The Shelf can just be a fun visitor rather than someone who is watching your child’s behavior.”
3. Reward effort
Feliciano says a healthier way to engage with the Santa myth is to focus on the effort kids make, rather than how “bad” or “good” they might be. Good behavior doesn’t necessarily look the same way for every child, but you can notice when they are trying and growing.
“It may be good for a parent to have a conversation with a child saying, ‘Do you think you tried in this situation?’ Or, if there is ‘naughty’ behavior ask, ‘What would you do differently?'” Feliciano says. “It’s important that we have those conversations and affirm the thought process, the intent to change and the effort. We want kids to know that it’s OK to fail and not be perfect all the time, and that is human.”
The bottom line on using Santa’s ‘naughty or nice’ list
Santa’s “naughty or nice” lists are as much a part of the Christmas season as sleigh bells and Rudolph, but it’s never too late to rethink how we engage with traditions that no longer serve our families. While parents may have the best of intentions in telling their kids that Santa is making his list and checking it twice, it’s also easy to forget that kids are highly sensitive, impressionable and may be harder on themselves than adults realize.
Parents can ensure Santa (and his pesky elves) remain a fun part of the holiday season by making a few simple tweaks. “When sharing Santa with children, parents should focus on a balance between fostering a holiday experience and setting realistic expectations,” Rinaldi says. “Consider the child’s sensitivity, avoid material rewards and the thought of being friendly or naughty… The focus can be on kindness and the joy of Christmas giving.”
