Child care scramble aside, for many parents, summertime is a welcomed break from rigid schedules, homework battles and the endless stream of sports and activities. And for folks with both young kids and aging parents to care for — sandwich caregivers — that may go double. In addition to getting a reprieve from the school year grind, worries about older loved ones feeling isolated at home or getting sick with the flu lessen, too. In other words: Summertime is cause for many sandwich caregivers to breathe a collective sigh of relief.
Alas, all good things must come to an end. When the kids’ schedules fill up again in September, it can throw a wrench into obligations you may have to aging parents. The result: Most sandwich caregivers are spent before it’s even Halloween.
“Balancing caregiving at ends of life course spectrums is very taxing due of the demands associated with both — and many caregivers are usually working while doing this,” explains Fawn Cothran, who holds a doctorate of philosophy in nursing science and is the Hunt Research director at the National Alliance for Caregiving. “When school starts up again, there’s homework, activities and quality time for the kids. And then for older adult parents, sandwich caregivers may need to manage care, arrange for transportation to appointments with multiple specialists or assist with daily activities.”
Needless to say: It’s a lot. While being a sandwich caregiver is never easy, the back-to-school season is always a particularly stressful time. Here, experts offer tips for both managing the day-to-day tasks and taking care of yourself.
“Balancing caregiving at ends of life course spectrums is very taxing due of the demands associated with both — and many caregivers are usually working while doing this.”
— Fawn Cothran, Hunt Research director, National Alliance for Caregiving
Practical tips for sandwich caregivers during back-to-school season
From setting ground rules to finding quality senior programs, these practical tips can help sandwich caregivers navigate the busy back to school season.
Practice your new routine
Sleep is precious, but so is a smooth school morning. According to Dr. Doug Nemecek, chief medical officer of behavioral health at Evernorth, it’s a good idea to ditch the summer bedtime/wakeup hours a week or so before school starts, so it’s not a shock for everyone.
Begin the new schedule a few days before school begins, he recommends. “In the days leading up to the start of school, try getting the kids to bed a little earlier each night and encouraging them to wake up a little earlier each morning,” says Nemecek.
Set ground rules upfront
New schedules call for new rules. Take stock of what you may be up against the weeks prior to school starting and reevaluate if need be once school is underway — and keep in mind all the balls you may be juggling.
“Maybe homework needs to be done right after school, so that you can be available if needed,” notes Nemecek. “Sometimes aging relatives need more help at night, so setting aside some time right after school can cut down on extra stress at night since homework will be done well before that.”
Ask for — and accept — help
“It’s important to ask for and be willing to accept help when you’re a sandwich caregiver,” says Alicea Ardito, a licensed clinical social worker in Reston, Virginia, who specializes in senior care and issues surrounding aging. “If there is someone able and willing to assist you, accept the help.”
“At times, caregivers can feel it’s easier to handle everything on their own; that it would take longer to explain and delegate a task than it would to just do the task themselves,” she continues. “Begin to identify what can be offloaded to another person and allow them to manage it completely.”
“At times, caregivers can feel it’s easier to handle everything on their own; that it would take longer to explain and delegate a task than it would to just do the task themselves.”
— Alicea Ardito, licensed clinical social worker
Assign chores
To Ardito’s point, back to school is also the perfect time to start doling out chores, if you haven’t already, according to Iris Waichler, a licensed clinical social worker in Chicago who specializes in senior care, caregiving and family relationships.
“Assign age-appropriate tasks for the kids,” she says. “Teenagers can help with more mature tasks, such as cooking, driving and helping younger siblings with homework.”
Research programs — for everyone
Waichler suggests looking into local programs — for kids and aging parents — come back to school time. “Research after-school programs, sports or tutoring for kids, and at the same time, investigate programs and social services in your area that may offer assistance to your parents. These programs can benefit everyone and give you the occasional respite.”
Waichler recommends contacting your local senior center or area aging office to find out what is available. She adds: “There may be adult daycare programs or home health care or hospice programs if needed that offer additional support and assistance with care for your parents while kids’ school activities need more time and attention.”
Create opportunities to connect
Summer is famously social, and while the cooler temperatures and busier schedules make getting together less easy come fall, it’s important these moments don’t vanish with the season.
“Spending time with family, which happens more often during the summer, is meaningful for everyone,” Nemecek says. “Continue these times during the school year by creating opportunities for the older and younger generations to spend time together.”
“Maybe your child can practice reading new books to your parents while you cook dinner,” he continues. “You can go for a walk together to talk about your days or you can also bring older relatives along on carpool trips for a few minutes of conversation.”
Nemecek also suggests finding times to celebrate. “Maybe it’s ice cream or a special dinner after the first day of school or a family movie night,” he says. “Make sure it’s something that works for everyone — the children and the adults you care for.”
Prioritize
When you’re caring for multiple people (of multiple generations), maintaining a home, and in many cases, working, it can feel like you need to do all the things all the time. But — need it even be said? — you don’t. Pick the most important.
“It might feel as though everything is important and must be done immediately, but take a step back and ask yourself: ‘What is important right now?’” Ardito says. “Or: ‘What will have the greatest overall impact?’ There might be tasks of lesser importance that can be postponed or eliminated altogether.”
Waichler recommends making a list of priorities regarding care for your parent’s and your children’s needs and then “determine daily priorities and weekly priorities for both.”
Set healthy boundaries
In line with prioritization is setting healthy boundaries, which for many, isn’t easy and may require practice. “Practice saying ‘no,’” Ardito says. “It is a perfectly acceptable answer! Before agreeing to take on another task, ask yourself whether you can — or should — be adding another commitment to your list.”
“This is part of setting healthy boundaries; it involves identifying rules and limits within a relationship and using assertive communication to express thoughts and feelings in a calm, clear and concise way,” she adds.
Self-care tips for sandwich caregivers during back-to-school season
Just as important as practicing your routine and assigning chores, be sure to take care of yourself during this notoriously hectic time. Says Nemecek: “Self-care is critically important for sandwich caregivers who are often overstressed and exhausted from the responsibilities they manage on a regular basis.”
Exercise and eat well
“It’s easier said than done, especially when taking time to cook a healthy dinner doesn’t work in your schedule, but being in good physical health can help your mental health too,” explains Nemecek. “Take a yoga class, go for a walk or try to prepare meals in advance.”
Check out: 19 easy breakfasts kids can make themselves and 18 quick, easy meal preparation ideas for seniors
Carve out quiet moments to reset
This is key, according to Nemecek, as it allows for a reset. “It could be quiet moments in the morning before the day starts or at night when the house is quiet from all the busy-ness.”
For Carly Nguyen, a sandwich caregiver in Cranford, New Jersey and author of the women’s empowerment blog Little Voice Big Matter, it’s the former. “The back to school season brings a flurry of activity in our house and it can be challenging to juggle this and other obligations,” the mom of two says. “The most meaningful routine I have is waking up before everyone else in order to sit in stillness for 20 minutes before the rush of my day. I use this quiet time to check in with myself and soak in the solitude. This eases my anxiety and helps me feel more grounded, intentional and productive throughout the rest of my day.”
Lower your expectations
Being a sandwich caregiver is a lot, so Cothran advises lowering expectations. “Every day you can do your best and every day it will look different,” she says. “Sometimes things just don’t get done and that’s OK. You just need to readjust your expectations.”
“Give yourself grace,” Nemecek adds. “Life is hard and sometimes accepting that situations won’t turn out how you wanted can help you overcome some of the stress you are facing.”
“Give yourself grace. Life is hard and sometimes accepting that situations won’t turn out how you wanted can help you overcome some of the stress you are facing.”
— Dr. Doug Nemecek, chief medical officer of behavioral health, Evernorth
A low stakes example: You may have planned on making your child’s favorite dinner, but ran out of time and picked up pizza instead — that’s OK! Simply readjust your focus on having a nice meal and spending time together instead of what’s on the plate.
Prioritize your physical and mental well-being
As a caregiver, it’s easy to put your own health on the backburner since so many people rely on you — but don’t.
“Neglecting your own health is only more detrimental down the road,” says Nemecek. “Also, you can’t properly care for others if you’re not caring for yourself. Make sure not to skip your annual check-ups and reach out to your doctor if you experience any symptoms or feel you’re having trouble coping. Virtual health care can be a convenient way to get the care you need without sacrificing additional time.”
Check your employer’s resources
One of the few positives of the pandemic: It put a spotlight on the toll of working caregivers, Nemecek says, causing many employers to boost their resources in response.
“You may have access to an employee assistance program,” he says. “This can provide emotional support or aid you in researching or scheduling certain caregiver responsibilities or even give you access to an employee resource group where coworkers in similar situations share tips and resources.”
Talk to a mental health professional
“It can be helpful to have a non-judgmental space to talk about your thoughts and feelings in an open and honest way: What you’re doing is hard,” Ardito says. “Caregiving can feel overwhelming, exhausting, stressful and thankless — and it’s OK to acknowledge and validate these feelings.”
What’s more, notes Ardito, a therapist or counselor can also help you to develop healthy coping skills and strategies and work on improving your assertive communication skills, which are sure to serve you during back to school season and beyond.
