Kids, as adorable as they are, have the unique ability to throw a wrench into the most solid of relationships. Thanks to sleep, money and free time all taking nosedives with the advent of children, it’s inevitable that parents are going to get snippy with each other now and again. But when snippiness goes from the odd argument to a constant cacophony of sighs, comments and — worst of all — silence, resentment has likely set in.
“While no relationship is free of negative feelings, resentment is when negative feelings get out of hand,” explains Dr. Stephen Snyder, a New York City-based sex therapist and author of “Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship,” who adds that kids can increase the odds of resentment in romantic relationships.
“It’s not uncommon for one partner to take on more child care duties and domestic chores, feel worn out and exhausted and then resent the unequal division of labor,” he says. “And then in turn, the other partner feels criticized.”
Sound familiar? If there’s a small, cute tenant inhabiting your home, we’re guessing yes. That said, resentment shouldn’t be ignored. Whether you’re noticing red flags or are smack dab in the throes, here’s expert advice on overcoming resentment toward your partner when you have kids and all the work that comes with raising them.
What is resentment?
“Resentment in a relationship typically surfaces when one or both partners feel that they’ve been slighted or treated unfairly by the other,” explains Jeff Temple, a licensed psychologist and director of University of Texas Medical Branch’s Center for Violence Prevention. “Whereas anger is obvious, resentment is harder to identify and articulate — which makes it that much more destructive in the long term, as it may manifest at seemingly random times.”
“Whereas anger is obvious, resentment is harder to identify and articulate — which makes it that much more destructive in the long term, as it may manifest at seemingly random times.”
— JEFF TEMPLE, PSYCHOLOGIST
“For instance,” he continues, “say one parent feels they’re doing the bulk of the housework and they’re beginning to resent their partner for not pulling their weight. Then one day the partner gets home from work, drops their bag and the other partner becomes irrationally angry at them for not putting the bag in its designated place.”
Joyce Marter, a licensed clinical professional counselor and founder of Urban Balance, refers to resentment as “hardened anger,” which, as its name suggests, can be difficult to get over and may lead to the following if left unaddressed:
- Impairment of mental and physical health.
- Erosion of the relationship.
- Family dysfunction.
Resentment in relationships: why it’s common after kids
While resentment can happen in any relationship, it’s especially common after kids “because of the sheer volume of things that need to be done,” explains Dr. Beth Oller, a family physician at Rooks County Health Center in Wichita, Kansas.
“Whenever there’s a new baby, parents have to fall into a ‘new normal,’” she says. “Each new addition brings a change to the home, more tasks and a new human to consider. This often leads to feelings of ‘I do more: I clean more, I work harder, I sleep less, I manage the schedule, pick up the house, do the laundry, cook dinner, run bath time,’ etc.”
“Each new addition brings a change to the home, more tasks and a new human to consider. This often leads to feelings of ‘I do more: I clean more, I work harder, I sleep less, I manage the schedule, pick up the house, do the laundry, cook dinner, run bath time,’ etc.”
— DR. BETH OLLER, FAMILY PHYSICIAN
Put another way: It’s an (internal or external) argument about the division of labor. “In a relationship between partners who are parents, resentment is often the word used when the couple feels there isn’t a fair distribution of labor,” Oller continues. “When one person feels that they do more than the other, it can lead to bitterness and a feeling of keeping score.”
And on the other end, there’s the feeling of being criticized or ignored.
“When division of labor causes resentment, the ‘less involved partner’ often feels criticized, left out and wishes they could get more of the harder working partner’s attention for things like sex,” explains Snyder. “They also may be criticized for not doing things right when they try to help out, which in turn, can lead them to feel — and express — that the other partner is too perfectionistic and controlling.”
Resentment can also stem from specific situations that are unique to having kids, Snyder adds, such as one parent allowing the kids to eat whatever they want and the other worrying about balanced meals. (If you’re a parent with a partner, you know that the possibilities here are endless.)
Signs of resentment in relationships
Resentment is harder to chip away at than acute anger — so, ideally, you want to nip it in the bud before it happens. Here are red flags to keep a lookout for, according to Temple:
- Increased irritability with your partner (or from your partner).
- Thoughts of ending the relationship.
- Passive aggressiveness.
- Reduced interest in all forms of intimacy.
- Complaining to others about your partner.
- Increased arguments.
Marter adds “emotional distance and disconnection” to the list. “This means that in order to escape the anger, you simply unplug from the connection,” she explains. “You may spend more time at work or with friends and family to avoid your partner.”
How to get rid of resentment (or prevent it from happening)
Whether you’re starting to notice warning signs in your relationship or are already feeling resentful, consider the following ways to deal with it.
Communicate
According to Temple, communication is absolutely key for preventing or dealing with resentment.
“Resentment is more likely to exist in couples where there’s poor communication — whether it’s because one partner is not good at expressing their opinions and feelings or where one partner does not create a safe space for open communication to occur,” he says. “To prevent resentment, have realistic expectations about conflict and resentment, know that your partner cannot read your mind and talk often and as early as possible when you start to feel resentful.”
“To prevent resentment, have realistic expectations about conflict and resentment, know that your partner cannot read your mind and talk often and as early as possible when you start to feel resentful.”
— JEFF TEMPLE, PSYCHOLOGIST
To that point, Snyder notes that it’s also important to have truly productive conversations. “Make it a point to really take in what your partner is saying, even if you disagree with it,” he says. “Then reflect back to your partner what you heard them say, and ask if you’ve heard them correctly. Then switch roles. There’s value in simply accepting where each of you is coming from.”
Learn to accept
Snyder notes that arguments in a relationship are “typically useless,” so learning to accept some (not all) of the things you don’t love about your partner is a skill in and of itself. (And really, does anyone love everything about something or someone all the time?)
“Accept that some conflicts in your relationships are never going to be solved,” he says. “That’s true in almost all good relationships. You know that prayer asking for the serenity to accept the things you can’t change? Acceptance is the ‘vitamin A’ in any relationship. We all need lots of it, every day.”
“Remember, neither of you was created to fit the other’s needs,” he continues. “Look for ways to enjoy your partner, imperfect though they may be. With any luck, this will inspire them to do the same for you. And someday you’ll look back in amazement that two people as different as the two of you were able to find happiness together.”
Name it
Just as parents have been taught to help their kids identify their feelings, the same process can work around their own feelings of resentment, notes Temple.
“The most difficult part of resentment is identifying and naming it, but once you accomplish that, you, either alone or as a couple, can start to work through it,” he says. “After that, I often ask patients to remember what they first liked about their partner and begin to recapture and recreate those thoughts, feelings and behaviors.”
Clarify roles
“It’s important to clearly define the responsibilities of both partners, so that one doesn’t feel overstretched or that they’re always having to ask for help,” says Oller, noting that, for many, it’s important to “throw out classic societal or cultural gender roles.” “Anyone can be responsible for vacuuming, grocery shopping or meal prep. Having clear expectations helps everyone succeed.”
“It’s important to clearly define the responsibilities of both partners, so that one doesn’t feel overstretched or that they’re always having to ask for help.”
— DR. BETH OLLER, FAMILY PHYSICIAN
Marter offers the following advice for creating clear-cut roles in your relationship:
- Have conversations about needs and expectations.
- Agree on who is responsible for what.
- Put responsibilities in writing.
- Continue to reevaluate as life changes (due to unemployment, birth of child, illness, etc.).
“We are a team”
Always go in with the firm mindset that ‘we are a team,’” Oller adds. “You may have to remind yourself of this often, but in my personal experience, when I remember that we are both on the same team trying to parent three kids aged 4 and under, life seems more balanced again.”
Take time to yourself
If you’re a parent, you know: Parental burnout is real. Because of this, time alone is essential to both recharge and not lash out.
“Taking time to yourself is key,” Oller says. “It can be as simple as going on a walk, but little things can make a huge difference.”
Make time for each other
Just as spending time alone is important for your mental health, it’s important to spend time together just as a couple, whether you have a new baby or older kids. “Doing this can bring both people back to a place of remembering that you really do like each other,” Oller says.
Adds Marter: “Cultivating a balance of self-care, time as a couple and time as a family is key for holistic success and wellness.”
“Cultivating a balance of self-care, time as a couple and time as a family is key for holistic success and wellness.”
— JOYCE MARTER, LICENSED CLINICAL PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR
Don’t wait
Resentment, as Marter noted, is anger hardened — which is a result of letting things be. If something is bothering you, don’t wait, says Marter. Bringing it up right away (in a respectful way) won’t give it time to fester.
“Check in with each other often and find your voice to address issues in a timely manner as they occur,” she says, adding that using assertive communication — not passive, passive aggressive or aggressive communication — is key.
Can a relationship come back from resentment?
Relationships can “absolutely” bounce back from resentment, notes Temple; the important thing is not sweeping things under the rug.
“All relationships have their ups and downs,” he says. “The key to a healthy relationship is not to avoid conflict and resentment and anger. They’re likely inevitable. The key then is how you resolve these negative emotions in a healthy way that strengthens the relationship.”
When to seek professional help
If feelings of resentment or arguments with your partner are affecting yours or your child’s mental well-being, it might be time to consult a professional. A trained therapist can provide one-on-one or couple’s therapy and teach you and your partner new tools to manage emotions sparked by resentment and your overall relationship in a healthier way.