Jenna Fletcher’s now-3-month-old son was diagnosed with colic at 8 weeks old.
“I already was dealing with postpartum depression after a really traumatic birth, but hands down, colic made it worse,” Fletcher says.
The mom of two from Philadelphia describes the times that her son cried as among the most difficult parenting moments she’s ever experienced.
“The sound of his crying makes my heart race,” she says.
Colic is defined by the American Academy of Family Physicians as inconsolable crying in an otherwise healthy infant that:
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Lasts for three hours a day
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Occurs at least three times a week
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Continues three weeks or longer
The colic experience can be crushing for parents and make them feel helpless. Even if a pediatrician tells them that their baby is healthy and the colic will pass, they often can’t help but think they’ve failed as a parent in some way. All of this is why reassurance and solid support from friends, family, health care providers and other trusted caregivers is vital for moms and dads caring for colicky babies.
Good support can “help parents make emotional breakthroughs that allow them to be strong during challenging moments and remind parents that self care is exceptionally important even when learning to care for a needy infant,” says Dr. Sharon Somekh, a pediatrician based in New York City and founder of Raiseology.com.
Colic can impact parents’ mental health
Fletcher recalls that it was her pediatrician who first recognized that colic was taking a toll on her own mental health.
“My son’s pediatrician looked at me at his first appointment and said I looked like I was struggling,” she says.
Moms like Fletcher are not alone. Somekh says that anxiety and depression are common among parents of babies diagnosed with colic. Interestingly, as Somekh describes it, alleviating parental anxiety may decrease colic symptoms themselves.
“The anxiety that can understandably develop in parents of a colicky infant often is felt by the baby and can, in turn, lead to more crying and unsettled behavior of the baby,” she says.
This is where amassing a support system for parents of colicky babies becomes so important. Doing so can “start a cycle of all-around improvement with positive effects on every area in the parents’ lives,” Somekh says, adding that when parents have support to address their worries and fear about colic, they are better able to confidently care for their babies.
What support is out there for parents of colicky babies?
Amanda Gorman, a pediatric nurse practitioner based in Baltimore, Maryland, and founder of Nest Collaborative, an online source for breastfeeding support, says parents today often lack support. With extended family spread out over large geographical areas, it’s not always clear where that support network is supposed to come from, yet support is critical for parents. Help can come from a variety of sources, including:
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Close family and friends or anyone in the parents’ “trusted inner circle”
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New parent support groups, either at local hospitals or independently run
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Other parents who have had colicky babies: Connect to fellow colic parents at a new parent meetup, a local breastfeeding support group or through social media (like this official Facebook support group with 16,000 followers from the Fussy Baby Site).
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Professionals, including pediatric and obstetric providers, mental health counselors, child development experts, feeding consultants and sleep specialists
Indeed, Fletcher says, help from extended family is what makes life with a colicky baby bearable right now. Her in-laws check in regularly, a few friends have offered help and her pediatrician and obstetrician have been crucial in advising her on maintaining well-being.
How to ask for support — and what your support system can do
One of the most difficult things for parents of colicky babies to do is ask for help. This might be because you don’t even know where to start in terms of asking. But it also may be because you feel ashamed to admit how difficult colic has been.
If you are a parent in the throes of colic, it’s important to remember that colic and fussiness are very common, and you did not do anything to cause it. But that doesn’t mean that you need to “grin and bear it” either. Looking for ways to get relief — and asking for help when needed — will do you a world of good.
Gorman says the best support comes from close friends and family members — anyone with whom you feel comfortable sharing what you are going through and what you need. She suggests really opening up to those trusted people about how colic is affecting you. After all, they may not fully understand the impact it is having.
From there, you can jointly come up with a list of tasks your support person can do to help. Patti Ideran, an occupational therapist at Northwestern Medicine Central DuPage Hospital in Winfield, Illinois, suggests starting with your basic needs, because these are so often the first to be neglected in a colic situation, which can cause you many feelings of overwhelm. Here, Ideran shares some simple ideas for support.
10 simple ways your support people can pitch in:
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Watch the baby while you run an errand, take a shower or go for a jog.
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Bring a meal (or three!)
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Clean up your kitchen.
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Do the laundry.
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Grocery shop.
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Organize baby gifts and write thank-you notes.
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Take your older children for a play date or outing.
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Come over during the “witching hour” and take over.
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Babysit while you go out to dinner or a movie.
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Hold the baby while you take a nap.
If you don’t want to make such a specific list, you can also ask your support people to come up with their own ideas so you don’t have to even think about it, or put your partner or another trusted point person in charge of doling out tasks to other helpers. Sometimes having to assign tasks can feel like a job in itself.
Fletcher can vouch for the amazing impact that this kind of “don’t ask, just give” support has given her.
“My mother-in-law texts me several times a week in the morning to see if I need anything,” she says. “She offers concrete suggestions on how she can help that day like either pick the kids up for a couple hours, drive my daughter to preschool or help me get her ready. These concrete offers for help are so much better than the vague, ‘Let me know if you need anything.’”
The bottom line is that parents of colicky babies don’t have to do this alone. Although it may be difficult at first to open up about your struggles or ask for help, it’s so important to take care of yourself. You’re putting so much of yourself into caring for your baby, and you can’t pour from an empty cup.