Choosing a baby name can be a tricky process for any parent, and one dad-to-be says he and his wife are struggling especially hard because of her unwillingness to compromise about their future daughter’s name. In a post on Reddit, the man says he and his wife are expecting a baby girl in June, and they are at odds because she’s decided any name they choose has to be a 100% gender neutral baby name. Things have gotten so bad, the dad-to-be claims his wife has threatened to cut him out of the baby-naming process entirely if he doesn’t get on board with her name list.
Everything was going smoothly until the couple found out the baby’s sex, the man says. “I love the name Juliet for a baby girl, but my wife says she doesn’t want any traditional girl or boy name,” he writes. “She wants a gender neutral name in case our kids ever decide they want to transition. I agree there [are] some beautiful gender neutral names, like Riley, for example, but even that name she says has become more female representing.”
The Reddit poster understands where his wife is coming from in wanting a gender neutral option, but he thinks she might be trying too hard to choose the perfect name. “I mentioned to her that most people who transition end up changing their names to one they identify with, so even if we were to give them a gender neutral name, they might end up changing it,” he explains. “I also mentioned some people change their names just because, my grandma being one of those people.”
Instead of compromising, the man says his wife is threatening to take away his naming privileges altogether. She even said she’ll “tell nurses and doctors beforehand to not ask me for the baby’s information for the birth certificate.” He thinks having his baby-naming rights taken away just because his name choices aren’t gender neutral enough is unfair, and he wants to know if others on Reddit think he or his wife is in the wrong on this one.
The dad’s post has racked up more than 3,000 comments with people falling on all sides of the issue. Some say that while the mom’s commitment to being gender neutral comes from a good place, she’s probably overthinking how much her name choice actually matters.
“I think if your child does end up identifying as a different gender and wishes to change their name, having two supportive parents cheering them on is going to mean so so much more than whether or not their current name was neutral enough,” one person writes. “Choose a name you both LIKE. Choose it with LOVE. It shouldn’t be this big of an issue, and I think your wife (while good intentioned) is choosing a really worthless battle to fight.”
“Take it from a trans person, your wife is very much over thinking this,” another person adds. “Your kid can always change her name whenever she feels like it, so picking a name to be gender neutral won’t actually matter that much.”
Others accused the mom of being controlling and said threatening to cut this dad out of the naming process is a red flag for future parenting disagreements.
“To me, it sounds like this is more of an issue about the wife wanting total control and less about the name itself,” one person writes. “The fact that she is trying to manipulate the situation to give herself veto power is unsettling to say the least. Will she use tactics like this for other important issues regarding their child such as medical decisions, choices to vaccinate, education, etc.?”
But a few people think the mom has the right idea and argue that choosing a gender neutral name could be beneficial for a number of reasons.
“The gender neutral name thing is smart,” one person writes. “Not because of the trans aspect but because a gender neutral name for a girl might open more doors and opportunities for her because we live in a patriarchal society.”
Some people even suggested finding a compromise with a gender neutral middle name instead. “What we did [with our baby’s name] was choose a more masculine middle name with the understanding that she would get to choose if she used her first name or middle name most as she was growing up,” one person explains. “In your case, I might do Juliet Jordan, for example.”
The dad’s post shows just how fraught baby naming can be. Not only are parents-to-be choosing the name their future child will likely use for the rest of their lives, but they’re also trying to negotiate different points of view, different preferences and sometimes even pressure from family or friends.
There may be no such thing as the perfect baby name, but the care and passion each of these parents is bringing to the process show just how important their child’s future happiness is to them. Ultimately, that probably matters even more than which baby name they decide on.
