Dealing with parental separation anxiety? Here’s what can help

When you think of separation anxiety, you likely imagine a child experiencing distress in the absence of their caregiver or parent. But you might be surprised that it can also go the other way — with parental separation anxiety, a parent feels distressed when separated from their child.

You might not recognize it as such at first, says Mary Breen, licensed clinical social worker and clinical director and founder of Repose. Parental separation anxiety often shows up for parents as guilt, hesitation to ask for help or a deep discomfort being away from their child, even when they desperately need rest, she says.

These anxious feelings can not only be distressing for parents themselves but also affect those around them, including their children. To address these concerns, experts explain what parental separation anxiety is, the impact it can have, coping skills, when to seek help and more.

What is parental separation anxiety? 

Parental separation anxiety is “fear that shows up in anticipation of being away from your kids, and/or fear that shows up while you are separated from your kids,” says Heidi McBain, a perinatal mental health therapist. It might also show up after you are reunited with your child in the form of rumination and spiraling thoughts, she adds. 

It is also a common experience, particularly before leaving your child for the first time at daycare or the first time you go out or take a trip without them, says McBain. 

That “first” for Elizabeth Ravet, a mom of one in Minneapolis occurred when she was 8 weeks postpartum and needed to run an errand. “[I] cried for at least 30 minutes before I was forced out the door by my husband,” she remembers. “All I needed to do was to run to IKEA, look for a bookshelf and then come right back home. I was absolutely convinced something bad would happen to me while I was gone. And, if something did happen, my daughter would never remember me. It was a devastating thought and the main reason it took me eight weeks to leave her for the first time.” 

Causes of parental separation anxiety

If you’re wondering if you are experiencing or will experience parental separation anxiety as a parent, consider a few factors that may predispose you to it, according to Breen:

• A personal history of anxiety.
• Trauma or attachment wounds.
• Lack of trusted support. 
• A difficult birth experience.
• A sudden shift in identity during early parenthood.

However, even if the above factors don’t apply to you, Breen adds that the pressure to be an ever-present or “perfect parent” can make any time apart difficult and feel unnatural. 

Signs of parental separation anxiety

If you have a history of anxiety, you’re more likely to experience anxiety in the parenting realm as well, says Ivy Griffin, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Thrive Therapy & Counseling, who says this can look like:

• A heightened sense of anxiety when you’re apart from your child.
• Difficulty thinking or focusing on anything else.
• Experiencing an overwhelming urge to call, text or pick up your child.
• Feeling consumed with thoughts of something bad happening to your child.

And if you already have anxiety, you probably know how challenging it can be to manage. “Anxiety isn’t like a light switch,” Ravet says. “We can’t just turn our anxieties on and off based on how inconvenient the feelings are. It is usually out of our control. With practice and therapy, we can ‘dim’ the anxiety light, but it never really turns off.”

“Anxiety isn’t like a light switch. We can’t just turn our anxieties on and off based on how inconvenient the feelings are.”

— Elizabeth Ravet, a mom of one in Minneapolis

The impact of parental separation anxiety 

Even if it doesn’t always seem like it, children are social learners and are constantly watching and observing the world around them, paying particularly close attention to their parents, says Griffin. So addressing your anxiety is not just about managing your own mental well-being — it’s also important for your child.

According to Breen, “children are incredibly attuned to their parents’ emotional cues. If a parent struggles to separate, the child may begin to associate independence with fear or disconnection. Over time, this can create challenges in developing their own sense of confidence and safety in the world.”

Strategies for managing parental separation anxiety 

Because of the impact parental separation anxiety can have on you and your child, it’s important to address it. Here experts share ideas for coping with your separation anxiety.

• Start small. This means trying “gentle, manageable separations — just a few minutes to yourself can be a powerful first step,” says Breen. 
• Have a transitional object. Think:a small stuffed animal or toy. “Some parents find comfort in exchanging small items with their child to feel connected even when apart,” relays Breen. (You could even purchase a plushie that comes with an embedded voice recorder to create a personalized message for your little one.)
• Incorporate grounding practices. Try breathwork, journaling or even placing a hand over your heart and repeating, ‘They’re safe. I’m safe,’” suggests Breen.
• Implement rituals and routines. “A special handshake before saying goodbye, each sharing something you liked about your day when picking up your kid or going home for a snack and time to chat about what you did while you were away can be great routines to add structure to the comings and goings,” says Griffin.
• Talk to other parents. This can help you to “normalize these fears, as most of us have been there too,” says McBain. 
• Consider therapy. A therapist can offer extra support during hard times, says McBain.

“A special handshake before saying goodbye, each sharing something you liked about your day when picking up your kid or going home for a snack and time to chat about what you did while you were away can be great routines to add structure to the comings and goings.”

— Ivy Griffin, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Thrive Therapy & Counseling

When to seek help with parental separation anxiety

When you’re a parent, managing a certain amount of anxiety is par for the course. After all, you’re responsible for the well-being of another human — no small feat. But that anxiety can tip into a place where it is causing undue distress and affecting your daily functioning. Breen shares the following signs that it might be time to reach out to a trusted health care provider or therapist.

• Avoiding any time apart from your child.
• Struggling to sleep or concentrate.
• Feeling constant panic.
• Being unable to calm your nervous system even when your child is in good hands. 

If you think you might need help, McBain suggests speaking with “your doctor — someone who hopefully knows you very well — to try and figure out together where your behavior falls on the parental separation anxiety continuum (mild, moderate or severe).” She adds that a therapist can also help you in this area, as well.

A final word on support and parental separation anxiety 

Experiencing parental separation anxiety is not uncommon. But more importantly, it isn’t (and shouldn’t) be a road that you travel alone. Janine Pérez-La Sala, a marketing consultant and parent of one in Bellmore, New York, recalls attending a wedding as the maid of honor and leaving her then 11-month-old with her mother-in-law. She remembers crying during the car ride and then being distracted during the wedding.

Pérez-La Sala says that these days, having involved grandparents who she trusts to take care of and love her child helps “a lot” with her anxiety. She wishes people understood these kinds of feelings are normal. “It’s OK to enjoy being with your kids and to feel guilty about leaving them behind,” she says. But it’s also OK to prioritize “your needs and mental health, whichever way that may lead. If you need a break from parenting and want to have a date night or girls’ night out, do that.” 

At the same time, anyone in your life you can lean on can be an invaluable asset when it comes to navigating parental separation anxiety. “Support systems are vital,” says Breen. “Whether it’s a partner offering practical help, a friend who truly listens or a group that says, ‘I’ve been there too,’ having a village can ease the emotional load. We’re not meant to parent in isolation — sharing the experience makes it more bearable and less overwhelming.”