Providing hands-on care to an aging loved one is obviously difficult, but we don’t talk nearly enough about how stressful it can be to manage aging parents’ shifting needs well before you’re a full-on family caregiver. Cognitive changes, increasing physical limitations, emotional neediness, depression, anxiety, or challenging behaviors, such as meddling or nagging that can begin or worsen with age, are all major triggers for stress.
As the baby boom generation hits their senior years and many older millennials and Gen Xers — many of whom are sandwich caregivers raising their own children simultaneously — begin facing these concerns with their parents, it’s critical to plan ahead for caregiving and alleviate stress before it becomes all-consuming, says Yvonne Venger, a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in working with caregivers.
“Often, people are not prepared,” says Venger. “In my practice, middle-aged people often come in for something else — work, stress, their own relationship — and then, they start saying, ‘Yeah, my father is in a home, and I have to go every Friday, and he doesn’t ever like the food.’ I see a lot of overwhelm.”
Here’s a look at various reasons why your aging parents may stress you out, suggestions for relieving your psychological and emotional strain as well as practical, expert-backed tips for setting boundaries and finding peace.
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How aging parents can stress you out
As they age and their needs and behaviors shift, aging parents can stress you out in any number of ways, but one of the main triggers might be their resistance to change, says Venger.
Often, it’s stubbornness — the parents’ refusal to accept help or to make changes necessitated by aging, such as hiring help or moving from their home to senior living, she points out. “Or parents [criticize] the adult children, which is really challenging because the adult children are trying to help them, but the parents haven’t vacated that parental role,” explains Venger.
In turn, adult children may feel frustrated and guilty or may feel reluctant to pressure their parents out of respect for old parent-child roles, says Venger.
The stubbornness Venger notes has been the biggest stressor for Carolyn T., who cares for her 92-year-old father in California. “My father had to fall several times and get stuck on the floor for hours before agreeing to move to assisted living,” she says. “Each phase of adding help has been a battle, and I think it’s been more stressful for me than for him. I had trouble sleeping, imagining him falling and breaking a hip.”
Carolyn’s dad and her brother downplayed her concerns — but she feels she absorbed all the stress: “I worried a lot, and that took it off of my dad’s shoulders. He worried less because he knew I was there.”
Jane L., a sandwich caregiver in Ohio whose parents live far away and refused to hire needed help to cope with severe mobility challenges, has had similar experiences. “They are so much more stubborn than I imagined they could become,” she says. “A therapist once told me that your parents install your buttons and that makes them the best people to push your buttons later. Now that I am sandwiched between managing their needs and caring for my own family, I feel this intensely.”
Jane is currently helping her parents move closer to her, but she worries about future financial strain, being responsible for all their needs (as the eldest daughter whose siblings don’t live nearby, she feels “some stress over unstated expectations,” she explains) and their increasing helplessness. “They are both on their smartphones all day, yet they text me a question instead of typing it into Google,” she says. “Sometimes coaxing them to do something is like parenting a little kid who needs to put their shoes on.”
On top of needy texts or worries over the future and family conflicts, stress can be exacerbated by the physical strains of helping less-mobile parents with household tasks or care needs and being stretched for time while pitching in, says Jameca Woody Cooper, a clinical psychologist who works with older adults. Cooper points out that you can also be stressed by sharing of responsibilities between siblings and trying to find work-life balance while being there for aging parents.
“They are both on their smartphones all day, yet they text me a question instead of typing it into Google. Sometimes coaxing them to do something is like parenting a little kid who needs to put their shoes on.”
— Jane L., a sandwich caregiver in Ohio
Pro tips to deal with stress caused by aging parents
Although the stressors related to managing an older loved one’s transitions and needs vary, psychology-based coping techniques can help ease the pain. Here, the experts we spoke to offer their top tips for managing common frustrations.
Process the relationship through therapy
If you have a therapist, talking through issues with your aging loved one on the couch is an obvious way to alleviate stress. If you don’t have a therapist, it can help to find a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) and/or doctor of psychology (PsyD) who can help you navigate this challenging time.
“Therapy is a really a safe private place that’s only for you,” says Venger, who adds that stress can fester when you don’t have that space to discuss your challenges. Therapy can also help you process any baggage or lingering pain from the relationship, which can make aging parents’ comments and resistance harder to handle, she points out.
Although therapy can be expensive and time-consuming, if you have to commute a lengthy distance to your therapist’s office, online options can be more accessible. If cost is a concern, look for qualified therapist through your health insurance or check if your workplace offers an employee assistance program with therapy as a benefit.
Reframe your thinking
You can reframe your attitude about irritants and stressors by using techniques from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which teaches people to manage problems by changing behaviors and thought patterns, says Venger. Dialectical behavioral therapy, or DBT, takes a similar approach. Ask your therapist about these techniques, or check out “Feeling Good” by David Burns as a do-it-yourself resource, suggests Venger.
Jane L. has found reframing helpful in managing her own frustrations. When she’s especially stressed, she tries to flip to a positive interpretation of the situation, or a silver lining: “I say to myself, ‘It’s helpful that my parents are downsizing and relocating because it will be a smoother transition when they’re ready for the nursing home,’” she notes. “That’s a lot better than thinking, ‘I am going to lose my mind if I have to answer one more question about whether they should get rid of an item my childhood that I haven’t thought about in 35 years.’”
“You can walk outside quickly, take sips of water, go into the other room, breathe, go into the bathroom. Then, you can get settled and say [to yourself], ‘OK, what am I going to do here? Is this something I can address with my parents calmly?'”
— Yvonne Venger, a licensed clinical social worker
Pause before you snap
In a stressful moment or during conflict, take a beat before responding, recommends Venger. “You can walk outside quickly, take sips of water, go into the other room, breathe, go into the bathroom,” she says. “Then, you can get settled and say [to yourself], ‘OK, what am I going to do here? Is this something I can address with my parents calmly?’”
The key, she says, is recognizing that you can take space between the stimulus (such as an annoying question or a critical jab) and the response, as psychologist Viktor Frankl theorized.
Have a script ready
If you know a conversation with your parent will be stressful or they’re likely to needle or nag, try pre-planning how you’ll respond, including ways to acknowledge or distract them. “You can say something like, ‘Yes, we talked about that,’ or distract with “How is the Jell-O you’re eating?’ or whatever,” says Venger. “It’s important to have a script and to validate what they’re feeling [when appropriate].”
Having a script won’t always curb repeated complaints or end the frustrating behavior, but it may help you calm down and avoid reacting in a way that escalates conflict.
Loop in people who aren’t already stressed
Cooper suggests dividing up tough conversations and care among siblings when possible. Or you can try getting an assist from someone with more distance on the situation, like a spouse or cousin.
“I involve my partner in boundary-setting and hands-on tasks because he doesn’t carry the same baggage about my parents that I do,” says Jane L. She says her partner often takes on practical tasks, like helping her parents with moving, which prevents sniping between parents and child. Her partner also supports her by simply reminding her of how much she does for her parents, which eases her anxiety.
Breathe out your frustrations
To acknowledge your feelings and relieve stress, Venger suggests practicing a gentle exhale through the mouth, like softly blowing out a candle. “All the feelings — anger, frustration, hopelessness, guilt — are OK, but you don’t want to sit with resentment,” she says. “These are natural feelings, but you want to let them out so they don’t take over, Breath is a physical way of telling yourself, ‘I have these, but I’m going to let out whatever I can.’”
Join a support group
Cooper says that while she always suggests one-on-one therapy, “a primary caregiver tends to be so overwhelmed and overloaded with obligations that they often can’t find time,” she says. “They can look in their communities for support groups, if it’s maybe once a month, it might fit into their schedules.”
Informal peer support is also key, says Carolyn T., who has found that it helps her to trade notes with friends who are also stressed by their aging parents.
Take a break and exercise
When things get intense, take time for yourself by moving your body (think: going for a short walk or run or doing yoga, which can calm your nervous system). The benefits of this are twofold, says Venger: First, you get a break, and second, that break gives you the mental space to cultivate openness and accept the current situation.
Prepare for the future
Do your future self a favor by recognizing that your parent’s changing needs, as frustrating as they can be, are a signal to start preparing for more intense needs so you can avoid future burnout.
“There’s a learning curve for those who are becoming caregivers,” says Cooper, adding that most people don’t start preparing for caregiving until they are in it. She recommends researching local resources, organizations and agencies, all of which could go far to alleviating the stress and the burden of caring for an aging parent.
Outsourcing to either no-cost services or paid help gives you more time and breathing room. For example, Carolyn T. hired a care manager to avoid having to research and figure out “the maze of elder care options” on her own.
The bottom line on managing stress caused by aging parents
As loved ones age and change, the friction and practical challenges may skyrocket — but if you employ practical and psychological coping strategies from the beginning, your stress level doesn’t have to.
The key is to give yourself “space and grace,” says Venger. As she explains, “The grace is for yourself and for the person you’re caring for. There’s a lot of acknowledging and accepting whatever feelings you or they have. But when you have them, what do you do with them? Breathe, blow out the candle and calm the body and the nerves. That gives us grace, because we know we’re worth being in control of ourselves in a contained and healthy way.”
