One popular trend that’s recently emerged in the online parenting world is the mom appreciation post. In these posts, dads write about all the hard, draining, exhausting work their female partners do and then say how much they appreciate it. The internet crowd goes wild for it, but could these posts be doing more harm than good?
The latest of these mom appreciation posts was written by a dad who says he is overwhelmed with gratitude for his wife after noticing a spot on the shower door where she had wiped away the steam so she could keep an eye on their baby. “I literally just sat there and stared at the glass and smiled,” he writes. “I could see it, I imagined it, it was like I was there in the room with them. I could see Heather just looking through the glass and making faces at Lottie as she smiled and played in her bassinet! I just melted!”
Sweet, right?
He continues: “It’s so crazy to me, how the smallest things can make me so appreciative of my wife. It’s the little sacrifices my wife makes for this family, that would normally go unnoticed. From caring for our daughter 24/7, to caring for me, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the animals, and taking care of herself (yeah right, there’s no time for that.)”
And that’s the point in many of these posts where things take a turn. It’s a beautiful thing to applaud moms for their “little sacrifices.” But what exactly are we considering little? Twenty-four hour child care, despite being partnered? Being physically and emotionally available to a partner whenever it’s needed? Being the sole caregiver to family pets, doing all of the cooking and being responsible for all household chores? And on top of it all, being so overburdened that it’s just expected mom never gets time for herself?
Those are not small sacrifices, and the fact that we’re OK with classifying them that way only proves what absurd expectations we place on women who have children. Whenever one of these posts goes viral, dads receive hundreds of comments praising them for the simple act of noticing their partner’s hard work. In the comments on this particular post, dozens of people chimed in to say things like, “She is amazing but she is also so fortunate to have a wonderful man who understands and appreciates her.” Or, “how amazing for you to acknowledge all the hard work she does!”
As if noticing that your partner is balancing the entirety of the earth on her shoulders — while breastfeeding, cooking a gourmet meal and doing a handstand — is somehow equivalent to actually doing any of those things yourself. This dad is hardly the first to write a post like this. Every year, there are dads in the news for writing posts outlining the hard work of being a stay-at-home mom or praising his wife for co-sleeping, and it’s beautiful to show appreciation for what your partner adds to your life and how they are helping to nurture and love your children. But it is not “amazing” to simply be aware of your partner’s workload, and it is not “fortunate” to have a partner who notices you. That should be the bare minimum.
The role of fathers has changed drastically in the past few decades. According to a Pew Research study, around 7% of dads were stay-at-home parents in 2016, versus only 4% in 1989. Dads also spent an average of eight hours a week on child care in 2016, which is triple the time dads spent caring for their kids in 1965. The problem is, even the positive changes that have led to many parents creating a more egalitarian environment still haven’t lightened the load for moms.
A 2015 study showed that, when time spent on housework, child care and working outside of the home is combined, the birth of a new baby increases a mothers’ total workload by 21 hours per week. In contrast, a fathers’ total workload increases by only 12.5 hours per week. Some of this can be accounted for through mom-only caregiving requirements, like breastfeeding, but there’s also the fact that society simply expects moms to take on more.
In a 2016 survey by Pew Research, 53% of participants said they believe mothers do a better job of caring for babies than fathers, and 27% said it’s more important for new babies to bond with their moms than their dads. Around 44% of those surveyed also said the ideal situation for a young child with two parents is for one parent to stay home, and 39% said it’s better if the stay-at-home parent is the mother. These responses were based on personal opinion, and they prove that despite efforts to make moms and dads more equal at work and at home, many people still believe raising children is a woman’s job.
Dads who praise moms for “doing it all” aren’t doing anything wrong by expressing gratitude to their wives, but we do all parents a disservice when we bend over backward to applaud it. As a working mom of two, I don’t want my partner to see me treading water and applaud me for staying afloat. I want him to see our children and our household as equally his responsibility. And when he does tell me I’m doing a great job — because we all need to hear that in our relationships — I don’t want to be told that I’m lucky to be married to someone who shows basic respect and empathy for his partner.
Instead of recognizing moms for their “little sacrifices,” let’s recognize that none of these sacrifices are little. Let’s stop treating it as normal when a mom is the default caregiver, pet sitter, maid, chef and chauffeur. And instead of cheering for the partner who notices the hard work from the sidelines, let’s actually expect them to get in the ring. More than anything, let’s finally let go of the tired belief that moms should always be “momming,” and we’re just lucky if we happen to be partnered with someone who notices.
