When my mother-in-law was in her mid-70s, she decided to move from her condominium into an independent living situation for seniors. Many of her longtime friends in the community had moved away, and driving was becoming a challenge for her. A fresh start in a senior community seemed like an ideal opportunity for her to find new activities and meet new people.
A social person by nature who still gets Christmas cards from a woman she met on a plane decades ago, my husband and his siblings didn’t think my mother-in-law would have any difficulty making friends. But almost immediately, she complained that the other residents weren’t that welcoming. At first, we thought it would just take some more time, but as the months passed, it became clear that many women were not looking to make new friends. While the men were friendlier, the population was predominantly women.
My mother-in-law is far from the only senior who has experienced mean girl behavior. In a study published in the journal Housing and Society, researchers found that just like in high school, social cliques are common in senior housing communities. The researchers stated, “Even though retirement communities often try to provide a sense of community, seniors may have negative social experiences and feel distanced or excluded from the community.”
It’s a phenomenon that Jennifer Weiner illustrated in a 2015 New York Times essay. In the piece, Weiner outlines how women in the retirement community wouldn’t let her Nanna sit at their table for meals or play in their bridge game. In conversation with her grandmother, Weiner says, “Mean girls! There are mean girls in your home!”
As it turns out, senior living can look more like the Tina Fey-penned comedy “Mean Girls” — in which the leader of a clique dictates everything from who can sit at the popular crowd’s lunch table to what clothing is acceptable to wear — than you might realize.
Here, expert tips on what mean girl behavior looks like in senior communities, why it happens and what you can do to help an older loved one who might be contending with it.
Why mean girl behavior happens in senior communities
Alicea Ardito, licensed clinical social worker, points out that “mean girl” behavior is unfortunately common among seniors. “With age comes feeling more vulnerable and having diminished patience, which can exacerbate mean girl tendencies,” she explains.
A few more reasons why mean girl behavior shows up among seniors, according to Schlussel and other experts.
Some people simple don’t outgrow these behaviors
Tara Schlussel, who holds her doctorate in clinical psychology and is a co-founder of the Center for Authenticity, explains, “Some ex-mean girls shed their mean and aggressive behaviors and grow into the better version of themselves. But unfortunately, others remain mean and toxic throughout their lives and continue to operate aggressively to ensure and preserve their status, relationships or territorial gains.”
It might be a response to loss
Adds Sbordone, “Bullying in later life is often tied to loss; loss of independence, loss of functional mobility, loss of family and friends and loss of identity. [Also] with age, some people become intolerant and more set in their ways. They may not realize or care how their actions or words impact others.”
The behavior can be a form of “othering”
Another “mean girl” behavior at play is a process called othering that can occur in senior living communities. Older adults tend to want to spend time with peers who have similar cognitive and physical abilities and may choose to shun those who fail to be able to keep up with them.
“Sometimes the elderly feel that hanging out with someone with cognitive decline will jeopardize their status,” explains Schlussel.
Older adults may also experience ageism. Weiner states in her essay, “Now 99, my Nanna is completely cognizant of what’s going on. Her memory, both short- and long-term, is excellent. But once her new neighbors heard her age, they knew they didn’t want her at their table.”
It stems from competition
Gita Zarnegar, a doctor of psychology and co-founder of The Center for Authenticity, says, “More women means there is more competition for resources, and it may become a case for the Darwinian notion of the ‘survival of the fittest.’”
Conversely, with fewer men to choose from, they are more easygoing and less particular about who they spend time with.
How to help an older loved one who’s facing mean girl behavior
While it is unlikely that seniors engaging in this kind of behavior will change, there are expert-backed tips for supporting an older loved one who’s the target of mean girl behavior.
Help them feel seen
When a loved one says they’re experiencing mean girl behavior in their community, the first and most important thing you want to do is offer them support. Zarnegar says, “Validate their feelings and acknowledge that they are experiencing blatant aggression.”
Avoid minimizing or victim shaming
You’ll also do well to avoid minimizing the situation or making them feel that they are in some way to blame. While well-meaning, responses like, “I’m sure they didn’t mean to exclude you,” or “Try being friendlier,” can feel patronizing and further victimize the person being left out or bullied.
Help them find their groove
Encourage loved ones to try to find activities that interest them and be friendly. Weiner’s Nana continued to take classes and get dressed up for dinner. She switched from playing bridge to Mahjongg because she found a group that would include her, even though she hadn’t played in years.
Be on the lookout for new people moving into the community or others that seem to be excluded and invite them to join you for a meal or a walk. Try not to get discouraged. Like in high school, it may take time to find your people.
Consider an alternative living arrangement
If the situation continues to present challenges or if you see signs of other issues such as mental health issues such as anxiety or depression, it may be time to look for a different living arrangement — and community that fosters healthier dynamics among the residents.
Such was the case for my mother-in-law. Between social issues and a need for increased care, she decided to make a change and move to an assisted living facility.
Her new home seems to be working out a lot better than her previous residence. Her current facility has a wider range of activities that she could participate in, and the other residents were more willinging to strike up friendships. Right away, we saw residents invite her to join them and actively seek her out rather than her having to make the first move.
Now, my mother-in-law has been there for over a year and seems a lot happier. We recently called to see if she wanted to join us for lunch and she replied, “Can you stop by for a visit later? I already have plans with my friends.”
