When it comes to parenting, moms face an exorbitant amount of external pressure. “Society still holds mothers, and not fathers, ultimately responsible for parenting,” says Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan, professor of psychology and author of numerous research articles on the topic of maternal gatekeeping. But the pressure comes from inside the walls, too — in the form of maternal gatekeeping, which is when a mother limits or prevents others from engaging in certain activities with their child.
With the weight of these societal expectations on their shoulders, it can be easy for mothers to become more controlling of the parenting domain, says Schoppe-Sullivan. But a maternal gatekeeper is much more nuanced than simply wanting things done “right” (aka your way), according to the experts and moms we spoke to. Here, research, advice from experts and the real-world experiences of moms to help you navigate maternal gatekeeping.
What is maternal gatekeeping?
Maternal gatekeeping primarily “involves [a] mother’s efforts either consciously or unconsciously to control or manage a father’s involvement in parenting or father-child relationships,” says Schoppe-Sullivan. Gatekeeping can occur in same-sex couples, and both men and women can act as gatekeepers, says Schoppe-Sullivan, but most gatekeeping research focuses on mothers in cis-hetero relationships.
Gatekeeping can occur in two different ways: through gate-opening behaviors, such as encouraging the dad to play with the baby or arranging an outing for them, and gate-closing behaviors such as unwarranted criticizing or not allowing the father the space to develop a relationship with his child through feeding, bathing or caring for them alone. In everyday life, this can appear in varying degrees of subtlety, from pre-packing meals for your child before you leave on a trip to insisting on soothing the baby to sleep every night.
Because women are expected to call the shots when it comes to most parenting decisions, it’s not surprising that maternal gatekeeping is so common. For Samantha Aldrich, senior manager of risk management in financial services and mother of one from New York, having the final word when it came to her son felt justified — the result of both a biological and primal connection and one forged from quality time and work.
Maternal gatekeeping primarily “involves [a] mother’s efforts either consciously or unconsciously to control or manage a father’s involvement in parenting or father-child relationships.”
—Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan, professor of psychology
“I did all the research,” says Aldrich. “I knew that when [my son] was little, he needed to be fed after this many hours. I could tell before [my partner] could that he was tired and needed to be put to bed. I had a stronger intuition of what he needed. And that was part of it. It wasn’t that I was trying to gatekeep. I was more clued in. But I also did the work.”
And some women may actually be predisposed to gatekeeping. Schoppe-Sullivan led a study in which she pinpointed key factors that put a mother at increased risk for this behavior: perfectionistic qualities before having a child, elevated levels of depressive and anxious symptoms, perceiving the relationship with the child’s other parent to be unstable and the mother being very confident in their parenting or the father being very insecure in his parenting.
For others, being the primary caregiver and gatekeeper is a conscious, joint decision. M. Hayes, a freelance associate producer and stay-at-home parent of one from New York, explains that when it comes to the household and child care, she leads the way.
“Sharing the mental load can look different in [individual] relationships, but we found what works for us,” she notes. “I manage the house and family events, and he supports me in whatever way I delegate. Some argue that a woman shouldn’t have to delegate to their partner, but to me, a good leader has to find a communication style that works best for the team.”
Signs of maternal gatekeeping
While some moms consciously choose to gatekeep with the support of their partner, , you might find yourself questioning if you’ve unconsciously taken on a parenting role that is more controlling than is healthy. Here are some ways gatekeeping might present itself, according to Schoppe-Sullivan and Heidi McBain, a perinatal mental health therapist.
- Not letting others hold your baby and generally monopolizing time with your child
- Making the final call on decisions, big or small, related to your child
- Putting pressure on yourself or anyone involved in your child/ren’s care to follow parenting books and advice perfectly
- Criticizing your partner’s parenting abilities in front of others
- Redoing caregiving tasks to a higher standard
- Being very rigid when it comes to your child/ren’s schedule for eating, naps, play, etc. and feeling very distressed if others don’t follow it exactly
Drawbacks of maternal gatekeeping
It’s no secret that women feel enormous pressure from external sources to be a “good” mom; they “often feel judged by the condition of their homes and children, a judgment from which their male partners seem to be exempt,” according to researchers writing in the Qualitative Sociology Review.
And as Aldrich says, “Who gets blamed if the kid is bad? It’s the mom. It’s always the mom. Who didn’t parent correctly?” It can be incredibly difficult to swim against that tide of societal judgment, but here are some of the reasons maternal gatekeeping can be harmful on both an individual level and for the family structure.
You wind up being the house manager
When you constantly insert yourself in situations with your partner and your child unnecessarily, you make yourself a fixture in that relationship.
“Instead of having a united front together in parenting, the father has to check in and ask permission from his wife on what to do next with his child/ren,” McBain says.
If you take over all of the food preparation for your child, for example, your partner may get dependent on you for that role. In situations like this, Schoppe-Sullivan recommends that you ask yourself, “Am I potentially unintentionally setting things up so I’m the only one who’s going to do these things forever and ever and ever?” And then, consider if that’s really the part you imagine for yourself.
“[Gatekeeping] can leave [the spouse] feeling like they aren’t important and that their thoughts, feelings and education when it comes to taking care of children doesn’t matter.”
—Heidi McBain, a perinatal mental health therapist
You’ll never get a break
Maternal gatekeeping can be harmful to the mother in that she rarely, if ever, gets time to herself. McBain says this can look like the mom “either trying to do everything related to their kid/s themselves, or ruminating and with heightened stress around if the other person is doing it right (i.e. taking care of the kid/s her way).” And never getting time for herself can have its own repercussions, such as irritation, depression and ultimately, burnout.
Kids may miss out on connecting with others
Assuming the child is safe, they can actually benefit from being exposed to different trusted caregivers. As Schoppe-Sullivan says, “Babies can handle [caregiving tasks and routines] being done in slightly different ways.” If your baby is crying and the caregiver isn’t able to soothe them immediately, it’s not going to harm them. “And they’ll develop a relationship with that person,” adds Schoppe-Sullivan.
Hayes recognizes the value in this change of caregiver and technique, as well, noting, “It’s important to let your child experience different teaching methods and styles for their learning.” Still, she acknowledges that “as parents, we need to trust those caregivers fully before we can let go,” which is a great reminder to fully vet your caretakers.
Maternal gatekeeping can hurt your romantic relationship
“[Gatekeeping] can leave [the spouse] feeling like they aren’t important and that their thoughts, feelings and education when it comes to taking care of children doesn’t matter,” McBain says. When maternal gatekeeping signals a lack of respect and/or emotional connection between partners, McBain says that it can cause tension in a romantic relationship, leading to a lack of intimacy.
It could hinder the father-child relationship
A long-term and important effect of maternal gatekeeping that Schoppe-Sullivan observed in her research was that “greater gateclosing [behaviors are] associated with lower father involvement in parenting over time.” She continues, “It’s also associated with a decline in father-infant interaction over time. It’s not just how much parenting time the dad is putting in. It’s that closeness perhaps that comes from knowing your child well.”
Avoiding maternal gatekeeper behaviors
In a world where women already carry the majority of the mental load, controlling the parenting sphere can set them up for major burnout and can spell trouble for their relationships. You need to allow [your partner] the space to develop their own parenting skills and relationship with [your] child,” says Schoppe-Sullivan, “if you want to have a more equal division of parenting work.” If you’re questioning your role within your family dynamic, here are some things to think about.
Consider what you want your parenting roles to look like
There’s power in setting a parenting precedent, meaning that it’s easier to solidify certain standards and “rules” that are important to you from the beginning. If the thought of being solely responsible for buying new clothes every season and switching out old clothes fills you with dread and resentment, communicate your feelings with your partner and then divide and conquer.
For Hayes, this conversation came up early. Before she and her husband started a family, they had discussed childcare and what they wanted for their family’s future. They are in agreement that, when it comes to their household, she leads, and he supports her.
Pinpoint your priorities
Most parents disagree on how to handle a parenting-related situation from time to time, and this difference in opinion can further complicate maternal gatekeeping. It’s common for women to hold themselves to higher standards when it comes to parenting than their male counterparts, according to a study by Orlee Hauser in the Qualitative Sociology Review, including emphasizing “healthier” foods, educational play and strict bedtimes for their children. Whereas men’s standards were more lenient — less strict about meal nutrition, allowing riskier play and not adhering to exact bedtimes.
Aldrich notes that her partner sometimes thinks her standards are “too high.” “He might be right, I probably am,” she admits. “I have a suspicion that it has to do with the pressure that’s put on mothers from a social perspective. There’s this need for us to be flawless. There’s so much riding on this role as mother.”
So when parents struggle to reach an agreement, McBain advises that you choose your battles carefully. “If it’s something that means more to you than your partner, clearly communicate why it’s so important to you,” she recommends. “If, after the conversation, it’s still not as important to your partner, you may have to agree to disagree. We can’t control what other people do, just what we ourselves do.”
Step away now and then
Every parent who has dropped their child off at daycare knows that any tears they shed are gone the moment the door closes. And when it comes to trusting someone else with their child, for some moms, a similar approach might be necessary to rip the bandage off. “If you’re trying to ease in, maybe you go to another space in your home,” advises Schoppe-Sullivan. “Read a book. Run an errand. And leave the other parent with the child.” Increase the time and space from there.
Don’t prep things for your partner
The impulse is strong, but don’t do it. Constantly handling various chores like packing the diaper bag before your partner takes the kids to the park adds extra work for you in the moment and sets a precedent for future outings. It also doesn’t give your partner time to learn how to do parenting tasks on their own, says Schoppe-Sullivan. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t help your partner, but resist the urge to jump in immediately and instead examine why you’re having trouble trusting the task to your partner.
Encourage your partner to take paternity leave, if it’s available to them
This is, admittedly, a luxury that many men in the U.S. do not have, but if you are one of the lucky few, encourage your partner to take the leave available to them. A study published in the National Library of Medicine showed that fathers who do take time off after childbirth are significantly more involved in child care activities than those who don’t take a leave of absence. As Aldrich says, a lot of what makes mothers better at parenting tasks is repetition. “You have to let them put the reps in,” she says. And paternity leave is a great time to get started.
Try therapy
There are numerous driving factors behind maternal gatekeeping, and talking to a mental health care provider could help you get to the root cause of your behaviors. Maternal gatekeeping is “often based in anxiety,” says McBain, “but underneath anxiety [I usually see] personal struggles with self-love, self-worth, self-value, etc.”
While therapy is beneficial overall, diving deeper and exploring these topics could lead to healing and improvements in various areas of your life, including gatekeeping behaviors.
The bottom line on maternal gatekeeping
When you’re in the thick of parenting, maternal gatekeeping can feel unavoidable. Your child seems so vulnerable, and handing them off to someone else — even if that someone else is also their parent — can feel scary and impossible. But there is so much to be gained by sharing the parenting load with a trusted caregiver, whether that is your partner, spouse, grandparent or friend. Not only will your child develop strong bonds with loved ones, but you will gain space and time back for yourself.
“Play the long game,” Schoppe-Sullivan advises. This means asking yourself what you want your parenting to look like and what that means for your partner and your future, she adds.
In an ideal world and a balanced partnership, you would be able to have deep, often hard conversations around parenting with your partner, says McBain. And you would be able to trust yourself and one another to make good parenting decisions. Ultimately, she adds, the antithesis of maternal gatekeeping would be a “united front in parenting.”