Unlike bedtime protests and endless snack requests, good manners don’t come naturally to kids. They either need to be taught by parents and caregivers or absorbed by osmosis — or better yet, both.
“While it is possible to get through life with bad manners, it’s much easier to do so with good manners,” says Nick Leighton, etiquette expert and host of the weekly etiquette podcast, “Were You Raised By Wolves?” “And if parents don’t teach kids manners, who knows when or how they’ll learn them later?”
Instilling manners in kids isn’t just about pushing social niceties — manners (practices) and etiquettes (social customs) also “equip kids with essential life skills that contribute to their personal and social development,” notes Lisa Mirza Grotts, a San Francisco-based etiquette expert.
Keep reading, as experts dig deeper into the importance of prioritizing good manners for kids, explain the crucial ones to master and more.
Why manners matter: The importance of instilling good manners in kids
“Manners show kids what to do and what to say, without offending or embarrassing anyone,” explains Laura Windsor, etiquette professional and founder of the Laura Windsor Etiquette and Protocol Academy, who adds that manners also afford kids a “certain kind of freedom.”
“Just like playing a sport or musical instrument, knowing the rules of the game allows kids the freedom to really enjoy what they are doing — it’s the same with manners,” Windsor says.
“Just like playing a sport or musical instrument, knowing the rules of the game allows kids the freedom to really enjoy what they are doing — it’s the same with manners.”
— Laura Windsor, etiquette professional and academy founder
Put another way, knowing what’s expected in social situations can help reduce anxiety and build confidence for kids — particularly, Windsor notes, in interactions with adults.
Teaching etiquette also creates disciplines and boundaries for children, which, Windsor notes (and research shows), help children “feel truly safe.”
Quick tips for teaching good manners for kids
There are a number or ways to instill good manners in children and make them stick. Here are a few expert tips.
Start teaching basic manners early
While many parents and caregivers prompt children to say “please” and “thank you” as soon as they start speaking, toddlerhood is a good time for kids to begin learning manners.
“You can start teaching them basic manners at about 3 years of age,” says Windsor, “and then build on that.”
“You can start teaching them basic manners at about 3 years of age and then build on that.”
— Laura Windsor, etiquette professional and academy founder
Teach a few manners at a time
You needn’t go through Emily Post’s “Etiquette” cover to cover from the get-go. Instead, Windsor says, take a bite-sized approach.
“If you start teaching your children from an early age, which is recommended, it’s a good idea to teach them a few good manners at a time, so as not to leave them overwhelmed and frustrated,” Windsor says. “When they have mastered those, then you can start on a few more. It’s important to lay a good foundation.”
Be consistent
In order to work, rules about manners should be enforced 100% of the time, Windsor says.
“There’s no point saying it’s OK to chew with your mouth open at home, but not when you’re out — chances are kids won’t eat properly at home or when out,” she says. “It’s like telling a child that it doesn’t matter how they play the violin at home, so long as they play well when performing in front of an audience!”
The Three R’s
Windsor likes to employ what she refers to as The Three R’s when teaching manners to kids.
1. Repeat. Show children what to do and practice with them in a relaxed environment. “Doing it with them — more than once — is much more effective than just telling them what to do,” says Windsor.
2. Remind. Before heading into a social situation, remind your children what you expect of them, as “there’s no point reacting to a child’s behavior after the fact.”
Here’s an example of Windsor’s:
Parent: “What will you say to Mrs. Ford when you meet her?”
Child: “It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Ford. I’m Silvie.”
Parent: “And when we leave?”
Child: “Thank you for having me, Mrs. Ford.”
Parent: “What do you say when someone gives you a drink?”
Child: “Thank you.”
“If they forget, prompt them gently by saying ‘What do you say?’” Windsor adds. “Do not say it in a way that demeans or embarrasses them. Encourage positive behavior through patience, love and respect.”
3. Reinforce. Compliment them on their behavior to drive the message home. “Smile at them, give them a hug and show that you are proud of them!” says Windsor. “Only encouragement will spur positive behavior.”
Teach the origin of manners
Another way to drive the good manners message home? Teach kids their history, says Leighton.
“Some etiquette rules can feel arbitrary and superfluous, but helping kids understand the history behind why we do the things we do can go a long way and can make kids feel part of our shared human history,” he says. “For example, knowing how to use a fork properly connects them through history with the first English settlers in the United States, Catherine de Medici in Versailles, the medieval Vatican and the ancient Greeks.” Pretty cool!
The basics: essential manners for kids
Kids — and adults, for that matter — aren’t going to nail every manner all the time. So what are the ones to really focus on? Here are the most important manners to teach kids, according to Grotts, Leighton and Jules Hirst, an etiquette expert and co-author of the book, “Power of Civility.”
Be polite in interactions
There are a number of ways to be polite, but the big one is “saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ as it signals respect and appreciation,” says Hirst.
Other polite manners to adopt when interacting with others, Grotts notes, include:
- Answering the phone politely.
- Introducing yourself to others.
- Addressing adults by their honorific: Mr. or Mrs.
- Never staring or pointing at anyone.
- Covering your mouth before coughing/sneezing.
- Keeping bodily noises such as burps and gas silent or saying “excuse me” if they pop out.
- Avoiding nose picking in public.
- Maintaining good eye contact when asked a question.
- Avoiding bad language.
Share and take turns
Something all parents of toddlers try to enforce on playdates is sharing and taking turns — and there’s a reason, according to Hirst. “Sharing and taking turns helps kids understand fairness and leads to the ability to build positive relationships.”
In other words: If you consistently turn a blind eye when your kiddo snatches toys out of a playmate’s hands, there’s a chance they won’t be playmates for long.
Use table manners
“Nobody wants to see kids — or adults — eat with their mouths open so teaching children table manners early will help them in the long run,” Hirst says.
In addition to chewing with their mouth closed, Grotts adds kids should always:
- Wash hands before meals.
- Avoid electronics at the table.
- Always asked to be excused from the table.
Listen
Waiting to speak can be hard for kids, but it’s an important social skill to master, according to Hirst.
“Not interrupting when someone is speaking and giving that person your full attention will show you value what the person has to say.” says Hirst. “Then, when you respond appropriately, it will impress the speaker that you were fully engaged with them.”
“Not interrupting when someone is speaking and giving that person your full attention will show you value what the person has to say. Then, when you respond appropriately, it will impress the speaker that you were fully engaged with them.”
— Jules Hirst, etiquette expert and author
Practice digital etiquette
Digital etiquette is an entire topic unto itself, but generally speaking, Hirst says, children should “understand the basics of screen time, know appropriate times to use devices, understand that what they put on the internet is out there forever and be respectful in online interactions.”
Be tactful and firm
There are obvious manners, such as saying “please” and “thank you” and not chewing with your mouth open, but less obvious — yet just as crucial, Leighton notes — is the “important life skill — and manner — of learning how to be polite-yet-direct.”
This includes knowing appropriate “ways to respond — or not respond — when faced with other people’s rudeness,” says Leighton.
Add more manners
According to Grotts, here are other manners to teach kids once they’ve mastered the all of the above:
- Always ask before taking anything.
- Knock before entering any room.
- Ask the owner before touching their valuables.
- Maintain good hygiene in public.
- Respect elders.
Kids books that teach and promote good manners
Books, particularly when it comes to young kids, are always a great complement to a message. Consider adding one or more of following books to your manners lesson:
- “Llama Llama Time to Share” by Anna Dewdney.
- “Do Unto Otters: A Book About Manners” by Laurie Keller.
- “When Grandma Gives You a Lemon Tree” by Jamie L.B. Deenihan.
- “Emily Post’s Table Manners for Kids” by Cindy Post Senning.
- “Dude, That’s Rude! (Get Some Manners)” by Pamela Espeland.
The bottom line
Having good manners results in a number of positive byproducts, Windsor notes, including “having a genuine consideration for others, a strong sense of right and wrong, the moral strength to follow convictions and the ability to please people without being a people pleaser.”
That said, it’s up to parents and caregivers to both impart their knowledge and practice what they preach.
“When it comes to manners, it’s ultimately monkey see, monkey do,” says Grotts. “If parents use their mobile phones at the dinner table, why shouldn’t the child? If parents don’t send thank-you notes, why should the kids? Good manners ultimately come from, and are reinforced by, parents.”
