By Jody Gastfriend
Sometimes when it comes to work/life balance I feel like I missed the boat. Yes, I somehow balanced it all—kids, my career, and caring for my dad. Back then there was no open forum, like Facebook or blogs, to describe all the madness and get some support. When it came to work and caregiving, I often felt alone. The best thing to do as a working caregiver, or so I thought, was just to show up and shut up. But there’s only so long you can keep the caregiving side of your life hidden at work. Sooner or later, life intrudes and you are exposed for who you truly are: a caregiver.
When I returned to work after my third child was born, I was determined to continue nursing and feed my daughter breast milk rather than formula. That meant I had to pump at work, using a contraption the size of a carry-on suitcase. This was 1993, many years before employers were required to provide break time for mothers to express milk and a private place to do so. So I took the bigger-than-a-breadbox breast pump to the only place I could get some privacy: the ladies’ room. There I sat on the toilet trying my darnedest to express eight ounces of milk for my little munchkin back home. After an hour of great effort, I got enough for a few gulps. And then I spilled it—all over the bathroom floor. As contrived as it may sound, I did cry over spilt milk. But there was much more to my distress than that.
Fast-forward ten years. I have three school-aged kids and a father with dementia, who is living with me during my mother’s recovery from hip surgery. I was a sandwich-generation caregiver, caring for both my parents and children, before that was something people talked about. By then, parenthood had caught the attention of employers. Many had introduced workplace benefits so that raising children and having a job would be less of a dizzying tightrope walk. That was a step in the right direction. But employer-supported eldercare, addressing the needs of employees caring for aging parents and family members, was still in the dark ages.
No Backup Plan
Good morning, Dad. Mom’s in the hospital. She’s had a hip replacement and she’s okay. We are going to visit her today.
I wrote those words on a big manila sign that I hung in my kitchen so my father could see it every morning as he was having breakfast. It prevented my dad from worrying unnecessarily about my mother’s absence and provided reassurance that she was fine. During the hours I was at work, I hired a paid caregiver to keep an eye on my father until I came home. Then I would pick Dad up and we’d head over to the hospital to visit my mother. We had a predictable routine in place and it was working—until it wasn’t. One day the caregiver didn’t show up and I had no backup plan. I was scheduled to attend an important meeting so I needed to think fast. “Dad,” I said, “how’d you like to come to work with me today?” “Sure,” he answered agreeably. It was not Take Your Dad with Dementia to Work Day. But I brought him anyway.
Although it worked out—sort of—I don’t recommend taking your parent to work as a backup plan. But that experience got me thinking. There must be a better way to manage the inevitable disruptions in care that prevent you from getting your job done or showing up at all. So I decided to refocus my career to help solve this problem. I created an adult backup care program within a company that provided short-term, on-demand child and senior care. Years later, I created an eldercare program to support working caregivers, which became part of Care.com’s suite of employer benefits across the life span. Over the past decade, I’ve helped people juggle their work and family responsibilities, and I know what they’re up against. Without enough support, these folks will struggle on all fronts. If they fail, everyone—including the employee, employer, and the family member needing care—will pay a price.
The day I brought my father to work I remember thinking, “I can’t be the only person dealing with this stuff. There must be other working stiffs caring for their parents and making it up us as they go.” In fact, 60 percent of the nation’s 40 million unpaid family caregivers are employed full- or part-time. Of these, one in four is a millennial.1 There are a lot of us in this boat. And many are struggling to stay focused on the job while making sure Mom or Dad is okay. If you’re one of them, chances are you’ve arrived late to work because you took your mother to the doctor. Or you missed a client meeting because the caregiver didn’t show up. Maybe you’re googling “home care” when you should be finalizing your Q3 goals. And the fear of getting “the call” is always in the back of your mind, because you know you’re just one crisis away from it all falling down like a house of cards.
If you are dealing with senior care challenges at work and trying to act like everything is okay, forget about it. Close to 70 percent of working caregivers experience work-related disruptions due to their dual roles, and it’s not something you can easily hide. When the going gets too tough, some quit their jobs altogether. But there’s often a heavy cost for those who do. Over a lifetime, employees who leave the workforce to care for a parent lose close to $300,000 in wages and benefits, and the amount is even higher for women.3 So if you are a working caregiver, what do you do to stay in the game? While you do your best to show up, too much shutting up may make things worse. That means you’ll have to speak up, ask for what you need, and learn to be your own best advocate.
To read the full chapter you can purchase the book here: https://yalebooks.yale.edu/book/9780300221350/my-parents-keeper
