Perhaps you followed a partner from your hometown in Oregon to Nashville. But you’ve received the call no one wants to get — your dad has had a fall and will require surgery, rehab and an overhauled care plan for him to continue living at home. Now, you’re on the precipice of navigating long-distance caregiving.
“The challenges of being a long distant caregiver are numerous,” acknowledges Sondra “Sam” Cradduck, gerontologist, psychologist and owner of The Living Room, a non-medical senior home care agency in Phelan, California. In addition to managing day-to-day logistics, the mental self-abuse and guilt can be tormenting, she adds. “Too often the distant caregiver attempts to take on more and more to overcompensate for their own absence.”
This amount of pressure can create an untenable situation. But with the following insights from the experts and caregivers we spoke to, you will feel more prepared to tackle the tasks and challenges of being a long-distance caregiver.
Key takeaways
- Long-distance caregiving involves both logistical and emotional challenges, including managing finances, arranging care and dealing with guilt and stress.
- Building a strong support network is crucial. Family, friends, paid caregivers and technology can assist in monitoring and providing care.
- Long-distance caregivers would do well to prepare by creating a crisis management plan, maintaining contact with healthcare providers and utilizing resources like support groups and financial aid.
Duties of a long-distance caregiver
Here are some potential ways you can contribute as a remote caregiver.
- Arranging meal and grocery delivery: Consider various options for food delivery for seniors.
- Paying bills and managing finances. With an older loved one’s consent, you might take the reins to monitor that their bills are being paid on time.
- Handling insurance claims and paperwork.
- Scheduling medical (and other) appointments.
- Ordering prescriptions and medical supplies.
- Finding and vetting in-home support or senior living: Utilize websites like Care.com to search for services like housekeeping or a home health aide.
Potential challenges of a long-distance caregiving
With approximately 5-7 million remote caregivers in just the United States as of 2017, you are hardly alone if you’re providing long-distance caregiving. Potential challenges you may encounter include:
The mental load
Don’t be surprised if your loved one does not want to involve an outside person in their care, whether that be an in-home nurse or a physical therapist. “They don’t want a stranger in their home,” says Suzy Mage, a postdoctoral scholar in gerontology at the University of Southern California who is a caregiver for her mom. But this can leave you feeling like the burden of care falls squarely on you.
It is also common for remote caregivers to feel guilt and powerlessness, says Tamara Statz, a licensed marriage and family therapist and fellow in thanatology. Whether you’re a long-distance caregiver or you live nearby, you’re always going to feel like you could be doing more, says Statz. To quiet this internal voice, Statz advises asking yourself what you feel you need to do so that you can look back on this caregiver stage of your life and feel that you did your best.
Ask yourself what you feel you need to do so that you can look back on this caregiver stage of your life and feel that you did your best.
—Tamara Statz, a licensed marriage and family therapist and fellow in thanatology
The communication gap
When you’re not living with someone you’re caring for or seeing them very often, they may fail to tell you about a variety of key developments, whether that’s because they forgot or because they deemed it unimportant. It could be that they felt ill the past week, or that they tripped and hurt their leg and had been too embarrassed to tell you.
To keep the lines of communication clear, you might consider regular phone calls or text check-ins. “Miles do not create as much distance as lack of communication does,” says Cradduck. “You can be in the same home and feel distant, yet oceans apart and still be close.”
Juggling obligations
If you have other responsibilities like a job or kids, providing long-distance care can be especially challenging. For example, the amount of time off you have to put toward traveling to your loved one may be limited, and taking off at the last minute to attend a virtual appointment with them may not be possible.
Mage is keenly aware of this precarious balance. She became a hospice caregiver for her father in 2018 and now functions as a long-distance caregiver for her mother who has stage four cancer and lives in Delaware. And while her program allows her freedom to travel at this moment, she says that she’s very conscious of the fact that her choice of her next job will be dependent on its flexibility.
If juggling work and caregiving is difficult, you may qualify for Family and Medical Leave (FMLA), which allows “eligible employees of covered employers to take unpaid, job-protected leave for specified family and medical reasons,” according to the U.S. Department of Labor.
How to stay connected as a long-distance caregiver
Read on for ways to bridge the gap with your loved one.
Utilize tech
Technology inevitably plays a role in how you connect with your loved one when you’re a long-distance caregiver, whether that be through phone calls or texting. But it can also “make long-distance caregiving easier and less stressful,” says Nicole Will, senior care expert, founder of willGather podcast and cofounder of Think Tank, an organization aimed at improving the senior living industry. This might mean utilizing home security tools like smart door locks (think hands-free locking and unlocking and the ability to share digital access with caregivers, among other potential features) or digital medication reminders, like Nudge (a medication tracker device with app connectivity). These tools, and others below, can take some of the mental work off your plate.
Build a strong local support network
Being a caregiver does not have to be a solo effort if you’re fortunate enough to have a support network you can call on. In a traditional sense, it might include family, friends and paid caregivers. When it comes to gathering your support team, Will advises playing to everyone’s strengths. One person may handle financial and legal tasks, while someone else manages home needs and someone else oversees medical care.
Create a crisis management plan
If there is an emergency — say your loved one has a stroke — and you’re across the country, decisions are harder to navigate and may need to be made quickly. Preparation here is key, and the solution is to create a crisis plan, says Dana Parsons, vice president and legislative counsel for Leading Age Virginia, a non-profit aging services organization. It should include “key contacts, access to medical information and a local emergency advocate (such as a trusted friend or care professional),” she says. “Ensure legal documents, like advance directives and power of attorney, are in place,” she adds.
Keep in touch with healthcare providers
Depending on your loved one’s preferences, you may or may not attend appointments with them, virtual or otherwise. But Parsons recommends establishing relationships with their local care team to receive regular updates.
“Too frequently, family member conflict occurs when we, out of love and protection, want to take over too much, control too much and be the knight in shining armor when all our loved one wants is their child to allow them to feel loved and normal.”
— Sondra “Sam” Cradduck, gerontologist, psychologist and owner of The Living Room
Make the most of in-person time
With a to-do list the length of your arm rattling around in your brain, it can be easy to show up at your loved one’s home raring to go. But it’s important to remember what (or who) you’re really there for.
Cradduck found that focusing not on the task but on the time and relationship was the “most important thing” she could ever do. During her visits, she still cooked and cleaned, fixed things and made spaces more accessible (for example, adding safety bars), but she made a point to not allow her mom’s choices to frustrate her. Instead she embraced that her mom was choosing to live on her own terms.
“Too frequently, family member conflict occurs when we, out of love and protection, want to take over too much, control too much and be the knight in shining armor when all our loved one wants is their child to allow them to feel loved and normal,” points out Cradduck.
In addition to staying present during these visits, Will and Cradduck advise looking for signs of concern, such as changes in weight or hygiene, unexplained pain, changes in behavior, etc.
Where to turn for help as a long-distance caregiver
Even if you have the best support team in place, there may come a time when you need more help. Here are some resources to get you started.
Support groups
Unless someone has been or is a long-distance caregiver, they won’t understand your experience. And this is where a support group can come in handy. “Whether virtual or in-person, connecting with others can offer emotional support and practical advice,” says Parsons.
Mage found this to be true when she helped form a virtual millennial caregiver support group — it was an opportunity to vent and feel understood in a safe place.
If you’re looking for a group in your community, you might find one at your community center, library or other public meeting place, or even online via social media. You can also try Leeza’s Care Connection, which offers virtual support groups.
Caregiving services
There may come a time that it would be beneficial to everyone involved to bring in outside help or explore senior living options. When it comes to hiring in-home help, two options are a certified nursing assistant (CNA) or home health aide (HHA). (While both fulfill in-home caregiving roles, CNAs are trained and certified to provide some medical assistance, while HHAs are not.) Depending on your situation,you might also consider the different types of senior living situations, adult day care or respite care.
Financial resources
Caregiving can have unexpected costs regardless of how close or far you live from each other, but remote caregiving comes with some additional expenses, such as travel. Below are some resources that may help you lessen the financial blow.
- Eldercare Locator: This website search feature connects you with services in your area, as well as resources for insurance, finances, housing and more.
- Hilarity for Charity: A national non-profit that offers resources for families impacted by Alzheimer’s disease. They also have a respite grant program for families who are in need of financial help.
- ARCH National Respite Network and Resource Center: This organization has a search feature for respite care but also resources to help caregivers, including information on how to pay for respite care.
- Early pay-outs from life insurance: According to the National Council on Aging, if the person you’re caring for has a life insurance policy, they may be able to access funds early to help cover costs.
You can find more money tips for family caregivers here.
Caregiver-centered technology
If your loved one is open to it, technology can make certain aspects of being a long-distance caregiver more enjoyable. And even if it’s not their thing, some of the following options allow you to share an account, simplifying tasks for you and other caregivers while not adding a burden for your non-tech-savvy loved one.
- Accessibility and home modification: If you’re unsure of where to start when it comes to making your loved one’s home more accessible, Will recommends EquipMeOT, a website dedicated to demystifying home-based medical equipment.
- Medication management: In addition to smartphone apps that send medication reminders and automated medication dispensers, there are systems like the Ōmcare Home Health Hub, an all-in-one medication management hub.
- Fall detection and home monitoring: Falls are one of the greatest risks for adults who live by themselves, says Will. She recommends Nobi, “a smart light system that detects falls in real time and alerts caregivers immediately.”
- Administration and scheduling: Hero Generation is a platform that connections everything online, like a care management system, says Will. In addition to allowing multiple loved ones access to the same information (legal documents, appointment scheduling, pharmacy information), it also has opportunities for community connection and a digital caregiving assistant.
- Grocery and food delivery: Instacart and Doordash are a couple options.
- Transportation, such as Uber Health.
- Entertainment: Whether you have Netflix, HBO, Amazon Prime or another streaming account entirely, it can be useful to have a shared account, says Mage. In addition to streamlining any tech issues, it can also serve as a point of connection.
Next steps as you navigate long-distance caregiving
So much goes into being a long-distance caregiver, whether your loved one is able to live at home or is in a senior living community. In addition to the added strain of managing logistics from a distance and making sure that your loved one has what they need to be successful in their environment, Will adds that you might still feel guilty that you’re not physically present or feel like you’re not doing enough.“
However, while long-distance caregiving can be difficult, it can also be a time of tremendous purpose and satisfaction, adds Statz. With the implementation of technology, good communication and a supportive community, long-distance caregiving can become a much smoother process for you and your loved ones.
