If your last or only kid is headed to kindergarten, you are probably experiencing some pretty powerful emotions. If that’s the case, you are far from alone. “When my youngest child went to kindergarten, I experienced pride and bittersweet sadness,” says Meg Tibayan, a mom of two and cofounder of Bright Sprouts. “The house felt unusually quiet, and adjusting to the new routine took some time.”
When your last child goes off to school, it’s common to feel not just happy or sad, but a mix of intense feelings, as Tibayan describes. These feelings can be overwhelming, and some people find it difficult to cope. In fact, some have even coined a term for this challenging phenomenon: kindergarten empty nest.
“Parents can experience a type of empty nest when their youngest child goes to kindergarten, often called kindergarten empty nest syndrome,” says Kristie Tse, licensed mental health counselor and founder of Uncover Mental Health Counseling. “While it’s not the traditional ’empty nest’ associated with children leaving for college, it does bring a significant emotional transition.”
Read on to learn more about kindergarten empty nest syndrome, including what it feels like, how to cope with the feelings and how to keep the bond strong between yourself and your kindergartner as you navigate this brand new chapter.
What is kindergarten empty nest syndrome?
While kindergarten empty nest syndrome isn’t an official psychological term, it describes feelings of grief that many parents experience when their last child enters grade school.
“The experience of having a child who is always reliant on you and is generally at home going off to kindergarten, where they are now out of the house for extended periods, can be challenging,” says Saba Harouni Lurie, licensed marriage and family therapist, board certified art therapist and founder of Take Root Therapy.
One of the hallmarks of kindergarten empty nest is that it usually involves a blend of emotions — some of which even seem to contradict each other. Parents may feel “hope, joy, pride and excitement,” says Lurie. “We are capable of holding many conflicting feelings at once.”
According to Lurie, some of the emotions common to kindergarten empty nest include:
- Grief, because this transition closes the door on the baby, toddler and preschool years.
- Excitement and joy to see what adventures await your child.
- Hopefulness about having more time for hobbies, activities or friendships.
- Worry about how your child is faring without you.
- Wonder at watching your child become more independent.
- Sadness because you miss your child or feel their growth and maturity as a loss.
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Why do parents experience kindergarten empty nest syndrome?
Your last child going off to kindergarten represents an important transition for them, yourself and your entire family. It’s a profound moment, and the therapists we spoke to said that it’s important to acknowledge this in some way.
“When the youngest child goes to kindergarten, parents often experience a profound emotional shift. Acknowledging and processing these mixed emotions is crucial.”
— Kristie Tse, licensed mental health counselor and founder of Uncover Mental Health Counseling
We often focus primarily on what this transition means for our little one. We make a big deal of it, taking pictures and picking out their perfect first day of school outfit, but it’s important to turn inward and look at how it’s affecting us too. “When the youngest child goes to kindergarten, parents often experience a profound emotional shift,” Tse says. “Acknowledging and processing these mixed emotions is crucial.”
It’s a time when parents can reassess their roles and identities. Tse recommends that parents embrace this transition as a chance to grow personally, professionally and in their relationships with others by:
- Rediscovering personal interests and hobbies.
- Practicing self-care.
- Strengthening spousal relationships.
- Pursuing new professional goals.
Tips for coping with kindergarten empty nest emotions
Sometimes parents are taken aback by how strong their feelings are when their last child goes to kindergarten. “In my therapy sessions, I often see hurt, grief and guilt arise in parents struggling with the tumult of emotions surrounding this transition,” says Claire Law, a teacher, registered integrative psychotherapist and senior contributor at Four Minute Books. “They aren’t just mourning the loss of that all-consuming baby/toddler stage — they’re grieving the finality of their children’s first phase of life, moving into the ritualized rhythms of formal schooling.”
Law says that if you find yourself crying more often or feeling down or anxious during the first few weeks of the transition, you should go easy on yourself. These feelings are to be expected, but that doesn’t mean you don’t need help, support or ideas for coping. These are Law’s tips for getting through this transition:
1. Acknowledge the grief, but don’t pathologize it
Experiencing feelings like melancholy and disorientation are natural reactions to life transitions, says Law — even positive ones. “Voice those emotions, cry if you need to and resist the urge to judge yourself,” she suggests. “Let yourself feel.”
2. Identify your anxiety and “talk back” to it
It’s common to have irrational and anxiety-filled thoughts. Positive self-talk can be helpful here. “If you’re getting worked up with doomsday thoughts like ‘I’ll never be as close to my child again’ or ‘I’ve lost my purpose as a parent,’ pause,” Law recommends. “Breathe and insert more rational self-talk, like: ‘This is a season, not the end. My role as a parent is evolving, not terminating’.”
3. Create a sustainable self-care routine
You’ll likely have a bit more free time now that your child is in school, or at least more headspace to put yourself first more often. Law suggests re-investing in health and wellness practices you let slide when your child was younger. This could be things like:
- Exercising.
- Healthy meal preparation.
- Reading.
- Creating hobbies.
- Pursuing passion projects.
4. Develop new sources of community
We all need connection and belonging, and now is the time to nurture that need. “If you’re feeling a bit unmoored, explore new social groups that align with your interests and values as a way to create fresh community ties,” Law recommends. You might take a class, reconnect with friends or volunteer.
5. Seek support
A therapist can help you process your feelings and create personalized strategies to feel better. Keep in mind that if you continue to struggle or are experiencing serious feelings of depression and anxiety, help is out there for you. Please reach out to a mental health professional for support.
Ways to keep a strong bond with your kindergartener
During this transition, some parents fear that their bond with their child will lessen as their child becomes more independent. Thankfully, that doesn’t usually happen. Not only that, but there are simple things you can do to keep your bond strong. Here’s what Tse recommends:
- Create daily rituals together, such as a special morning routine or bedtime story that serves to reinforce your connection.
- Prioritize quality one-on-one time by engaging in activities your child enjoys.
- Practice actively listening to their daily experiences.
- Show enthusiasm for their school-related activities and achievements.
- Offer a judgment-free zone for them to share new experiences and feelings.
- Attend school events, as your schedule allows, so that you can be a part of their school life.
The bottom line
Probably the most important thing to remember about the transition to kindergarten is that however challenging it may be, the difficult feelings will pass. Both you and your kindergartner will get into a new routine. For many people, this transition will be a tear-filled one, but that is just part of this parenting ride.
“If you find yourself clutching a fistful of crumpled tissues in those first weeks of kindergarten drop-off, you’re certainly not alone,” Law assures. “Pretty soon, that quiet home that once felt so empty will start buzzing with a sense of exciting possibility, potential and pride for the journey ahead.”