When my daughter “Bean” was small, it appeared as though we were going to have one very important trait in common: introversion.
As far as babies go, she was definitely on the reserved end of the spectrum. She never liked being touched by strangers and was quick to let them know as much. When she was about two, she got into a habit of screaming “No hugs!!” at any unsuspecting friends, family or babysitters who’d try to embrace her.
At the time, it was easy for me to understand her reticence because I’ve felt that way my whole life.
However, being the mother of a shy child didn’t go the way I thought it would. Rather than allow me to continue being an introvert myself, it actually forced me to step out of my social comfort zone more — as a way to protect her.
Right away, I had to push past my discomfort with public confrontation. When strangers would try to touch her, I was the one who had to be her advocate and tell them not to. When anyone would try to hug her, I had to be the one to let them know that she meant business when she yelled “No!”
For her to feel safe as an introvert, I had to disregard my own introversion.
And Then It Happened…
Bean turned three and, like a flash, my shy little baby girl transformed into a social butterfly before my very eyes. Suddenly, I had a full-blown extrovert on my hands.
As a stay-at-home mom, my main role is Bean’s primary teacher, playmate and the recipient of all of her limitless energy. But this also means that my introversion and her extroversion don’t always mesh.
Now five, my daughter remains chatty, bubbly and vivacious, but I find that I can’t always relate to her social impulses. When she gets bored, she tends to look outwardly, rather than inwardly, for entertainment. I’m not used to this. As a kid, I was content to play by myself.
She’s kind of like that coworker (we all have one) who comes in at 8:30 AM, naturally chipper without any help from caffeine, and stands by your desk to chat about nothing for 20 minutes. Her “talk tank” stays full all day. By mid-morning, I often want to find a spot in the house to hide and not talk.
I know that some parents loathe the isolation of stay-at-home parenting. I, on the other hand, sometimes find myself longing for the isolation of a cubicle instead.
Adjusting to an Extroverted Child
Her fearlessness both inspires and terrifies me. No place is off limits for her to strike up a conversation with a stranger. I’m amazed by how much she thrives in environments where she can interact with other people — and amazed by how different we are in that respect, too.
That being said, I know that her needs differ from mine, so I try to help her find things that she can do quasi-independently.
For example, she balks at coloring alone, but will color in her book happily if I bring out my own book to color alongside her. She will play with her dolls by herself…but only if I’m in the room with her. Thankfully, she loves to cozy up with a book on her bed without any supervision. Occasionally, I’ll give her a pot of soapy water and bath toys and let her splash in the kitchen sink.
Works like a charm.
Still, having such an interactive child does force me to step outside of my social comfort zone.
Sometimes, I arrange play dates for her — which she loves — and I even enrolled her in a dance class that gives her an outlet for all that energy. However, arranging for Bean to meet new people means that I [GASP] also have to meet new people — which, if you couldn’t tell, is one of my least favorite things.
Luckily for me, though, the other dance parents seem as interested in their phones as I am.
And, since Bean loves dancing and singing so much, I make sure to squeeze a few music breaks into each day so that she can: A) get some exercise, and B) divert her attention away from conversation. Spotify has been an absolute lifesaver in this respect. I let her pick a (pre-approved) artist or genre, and sometimes even the songs themselves.
A friend of mine also suggested letting Bean do kiddie yoga videos from YouTube. (They’re also great for teaching kids how to concentrate and follow instructions.) Sometimes, I’ll put on an exercise video and we’ll do jumping jacks together. She hasn’t yet figured out how to jump and talk.
Mommy achievement unlocked!
Despite all of this, the fact of the matter is that I usually have a lot of fun when my daughter pulls me out of my shell. I love how carefree and friendly she is. I want to cultivate those qualities in her, not squash them. That being said, I do want to teach her sensitivity to other people’s boundaries just as much as I want to meet her emotional needs.
It’s not easy, but I’m confident that my love for her — and her love for me — will always help us bridge the gap between our two personality types, no matter what.
