“I miss Mommy and Daddy!”
No matter whether you’ve been a babysitter for three months, or a nanny for three years, every child care provider has heard this cry before. It’s usually accompanied by a trembling lower lip and a running nose. Although it can strike at any time, you’re most likely to hear it at the start of a new job, in the immediate wake of a boo boo or right before bedtime. Sometimes, the child is too young to talk and can’t express what’s going on. Other times, they’re able to iterate their feelings exactly: They “miss mommy and daddy.”
The psychological name for this phenomenon is “separation anxiety” — the excessive anxiety a child feels when they’re separated from their parents. There are plenty of scientific studies that have been done on it, but the main takeaway is that it’s more or less normal. According to the Mayo Clinic:
Frustrating as it may be, [separation anxiety] is actually an emotional milestone that generally begins at 8 to 9 months of age. Your child is starting to understand that there’s only one of you — and you still exist even when you aren’t in sight.
But, just because it’s normal doesn’t make it any easier for their child care provider to navigate the tears and the tantrums. There are however, a few things you can do to help a kid feel safe and move on. Here, how to comfort a child who misses a parent when you’re babysitting.
1. Don’t take it personally
Even though a kid misses their parents, that doesn’t mean that you’re doing a bad job. This can be hard to remember, especially if the child chooses to express their sadness by lashing out at you, the replacement. Try not to get defensive or take what a kid might say mid-tantrum too personally.
2. Assess the situation
If a child is screaming about missing their parents, ask yourself why.
- Did their parents just step out the door?
- Did they just hurt themselves or do something else that would make them feel especially vulnerable and afraid?
- Or, are they trying to get out of doing something they don’t want to do, such as cleaning up their bedroom or going to bed?
Determining what exactly the kid is upset about will help you figure out what to do next.
3. Get on the same team
One way to help ease a kid’s anxieties — and prevent them from turning their frustrations onto you — is to align yourself with them early on. The easiest way to do this is by acknowledging and validating their feelings.
For example, you might say something like, “You miss mom and dad? Oh, that’s hard. You love mom and dad a lot, don’t you? And they love you a lot, too.” Then, you could explain to them that their parents are coming back but, in the meantime, you two are going to have to do the best you can do to go through this, together. Consider sitting on the floor when you talk to them, so that you can physically get on their level. This helps children feel more like your peer and equal, rather than your charge.
Ultimately, your end goal is to show the child that you’re both on the same team — even if you think that they may also be trying to get out of a chore. Their outburst may be sparked by their feelings about having to clean up, but that doesn’t make their feelings any less real.
4. Come up with a plan together
After acknowledging that they’re going through a rough time, try to come up with some activities that will help them feel better and take their mind off of the situation. For example, if they like to be outdoors and active, maybe take them outside to play catch or kick the soccer ball around. If they enjoy reading and storytime, maybe read them their favorite book.
However, if you suspect that their emotional outburst is an attempt to get out of doing a chore, don’t give in. You don’t want them to learn that crying, or getting upset, is a useful tool for getting out of doing something they don’t want to do. Instead, try to create a plan that involves getting the chore done, followed by an activity that they like to do. So, if the child’s trying to get out of cleaning their room, make a plan that if they clean up first, they can go out and play afterward. Or, if the child doesn’t want to get ready for bed, establish an agreement that if they get washed up and PJs on, you’ll read one of their favorite books to them.
5. Use distractions as a preventative measure
Some people suggest using distractions to help kids forget about missing their parents. But if the kid is already having a full-blown fit, trying to move straight for a distracting activity can backfire. If you don’t acknowledge the kid’s feelings and align yourself with them when they are upset, they may get upset with you. That said, at times when a kid might miss their parents, like just after saying goodbye, you want to make sure that you are totally on and engaged. Start the babysitting session with their favorite activity and discuss with them all the fun activities you have planned for the day. Try to steer them away from thinking about their parents, and avoid an emotional outburst before it happens.
6. Be consistent about when you call the parents
You usually don’t want to call up the parents every time the kid is upset. It’s best if the child learns to respect you as the person in charge when you’re on the job. Plus, parents aren’t always available to talk when they’re away.
However, you still should check in with parents about what the normal protocol are for handling these types of situations, and stick to that. It’s a good idea not to call the parents if it’s not an emergency. But, on rare occasions, and for certain kids, there may be exceptions. For example, if a kid hurts themselves and is really shaken up about it, you might call. Just make sure you’re clear to the parents that everything is OK but the child would like to hear their voice.
Again, each family will have different expectations as to when a phone call is necessary and when it’s not. To be safe, make sure that you ask the parents ahead of time how’d they like for you to handle this situation. This will help you get a better understanding of the kinds of issues you can handle on your own, as well as the kind of issues that will require parental reinforcements.
7. When in doubt, ask the parents for help
If you’re having an especially difficult time, and for multiple days in a row, think about different ways in which you could have the parents help you out.
For example, if you’ve observed that prolonged goodbyes at the door are directly followed by tears and screaming, consider asking the parents to not say goodbye to their child more than once. Or, if you know that the child’s tantrums are caused by the fact that they don’t want to do their chores, consider asking the parents how they handle these kinds of behaviors themselves. Chances are good that they’ll have their own tips and tricks for motivating their child to clean their room or get ready for bed that could work for you, too.
