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Most parents have heard of or used positive reinforcement in children. And while the technique often works that first — or first few — times, it’s a technique that can get old fast with kids when not used properly.
For positive reinforcement to be genuinely motivating for children, parents and caregivers need to be strategic, intentional and mindful of how they use it, says Chinwé Williams, a licensed professional counselor and founder and owner of Meaningful Solutions Counseling and Consulting in Roswell, Georgia.
Positive reinforcement should be specific (label exactly what you’re appreciating), consistent and come immediately after the behavior you want to reinforce, explains Williams, who adds: “It’s especially effective to reward effort and progress, not just perfect results.”
Whether you’ve been trying it futilely or want to give it a shot, here are positive reinforcement techniques that will yield lasting results, according to experts.
Key takeaways
- Positive reinforcement motivates kids when it’s specific, consistent and focused on effort. Used correctly, it helps behaviors turn into lasting habits.
- Positive reinforcement can look like verbal affirmation, tangible rewards, extra privileges, increased trust or engaging in more activities that kids want to do.
- Over time, positive reinforcement can build self-motivation and resilience.
What is positive reinforcement?
Positive reinforcement is recognizing and encouraging behaviors and choices kids make that parents want to see more. “Positive reinforcement can look like verbal affirmation and praise, tangible rewards, extra privileges, increased trust or engaging in more activities that they want to do,” explains Reesa Morala, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Embrace Renewal Therapy & Wellness Collective in Murrieta, California.
Why does it work? Simply put, people are hard-wired to feel seen, heard and cared for. “Our brains thrive off of this,” Morala continues. “So, when kids receive positive reinforcement, their brain registers the feeling, does the math of how they got here and records that information on how to get more of that.”
How to use positive reinforcement for motivation
For positive reinforcement to be truly motivating — a.k.a. for it to make desirable actions automatic and repetitive — parents and caregivers need to go beyond perfunctorily doling out a cookie/sticker/screen time increase each time their kid makes their bed.
The first step in using positive reinforcement as a motivator is to identify a behavior you want to see more of, and decide what reward (reinforcer) you’ll give for that behavior, explains Ashley Castro, a child and adolescent psychologist in New York City and co-founder of Healwise.
“Then, provide that reward consistently for that behavior every single time your child does it,” she says, noting that parents can also, unwittingly, reinforce negative behaviors with their reactions. “Even smiling or laughing with your child is a form of positive reinforcement,” she notes. “If you laugh at your child dropping an F-bomb, you’re reinforcing that behavior!”
Motivation tips
After you’ve identified the behavior and reward, consider these expert tips for using positive reinforcement to motivate kids:
Be specific. Instead of using the overarching “good job,” tell your child exactly what you liked about what they did, says Williams. An example: “Instead of saying, ‘good job on your homework,’ say: ‘I really like how you got right to your homework on your own after school — that shows great responsibility!,’” she notes.
This, Williams explains, highlights both the “initiative and effort.”
“When kids receive positive reinforcement, their brain registers the feeling, does the math of how they got here and records that information on how to get more of that.”
— Reesa Morala, a licensed marriage and family therapist
Focus on effort over result. To the point above, it’s important to always recognize effort. If your child isn’t nailing their piano solo song, but they’re practicing, offer praise, as it’ll motivate them to continue practicing. Per Williams, you can say: “I noticed you practiced your piano — even just a little bit counts. I see you’re trying.”
Be consistent. Again, positive reinforcement isn’t one-and-done; it’s used to shape behavior over time, says Castro. To get kids to commit to the desired action, stay with the reward, even if it’s just words of recognition. “Provide the reward consistently for the behavior every single time your child does it,” notes Castro.
By doing this, she says, you “provide the initial extrinsic motivation that helps kids engage in behaviors that over time can form into habits and yield their own rewards.” In other words: Positive reinforcement techniques will, hopefully, create lifelong, default habits that will benefit kids in a number of ways.
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How not to use positive reinforcement
When used the wrong way, “positive reinforcement” can yield negative results, such as having kids expect a treat or prize after every small thing. (The point, remember, is to help kids become self-motivated!) When using positive reinforcement, here’s what not to do:
Don’t dangle a carrot. Reinforcement doesn’t work best as “if you do x then you’ll get y,” Morala notes. “That doesn’t build the internal skill, it is performative and then when they don’t always get that ‘reward’ their brain has a meltdown because the math isn’t mathing and they feel confused.”
Don’t tie rewards to self-worth. This is one of the reasons, again, why praising effort is important. The goal isn’t to have kids associate what they do with their character or self-worth, Morala notes, adding: “That’s a slippery slope into people-pleasing or perfectionist behaviors.”
“A sign that positive reinforcement is working is when you see the wheels turning before a child acts or makes a choice. This is especially true with younger kids, who naturally give less feedback than older kids.”
— Reesa Morala
Don’t make every reward monetary or tangible. Williams, Morala and Castro all agree: Rewards needn’t always be candy, toys or money. It’s important to mix things up — not just for your wallet — but so kids don’t constantly expect things.
A smile, words of affirmation or a walk or game together all are considered positive reinforcers, as well.
Don’t use it as a de-escalation tactic. Positive reinforcement is meant to encourage positive behaviors, not negative ones; if your child is in the throes of a tantrum or meltdown, offering a reward to stop isn’t positive reinforcement — or effective.
“Positive reinforcement should be used when children are not in a heightened, emotionally charged state,” Morala says. “If they are, it is best to attune to that emotional need and help them learn how to regulate. Distracting with a ‘look over here for a reward’ isn’t going to build long-term skills.”
How to know positive reinforcement techniques are working
The biggest telltale sign your efforts are working is — you guessed it — unwanted behavior is decreasing and positive behavior is increasing. And even if your child isn’t batting 1,000, there are still indicators, Morala notes.
“A sign that positive reinforcement is working is when you see the wheels turning before a child acts or makes a choice,” she says. “This is especially true with younger kids, who naturally give less feedback than older kids.”
To be truly effective, parents and caregivers should heed expert advice — reward swiftly, specifically and consistently — and stay with it, as, ultimately, it will yield major results.
“Positive reinforcement is a long-term investment,” Morala says, “and you will see the fruits of your labor longer term with consistency and dedication.”
