Your child cleans up his blocks, and you automatically dole out a proud “good job!” while giving yourself a mental pat on the back for using praise to motivate him. The truth is, however, that those two little words may not be as effective as you think they are.
Positive reinforcement has traditionally been used to encourage behaviors by adding a stimulus — or, rather, by giving a reward (as opposed to negative reinforcement, which involves removing an undesirable stimulus in order to encourage a certain behavior).
Positive reinforcement may sound better, but it isn’t always. “This is an outdated idea of shaping behavior,” explains Lori Petro, a certified parent educator and founder of Teach Through Love. “It doesn’t take into consideration normal child development nor a long-term view of motivation.”
Offering jelly beans every time your little one pees on the potty may seem like an effective tool, but in the long run, the motivation it creates may actually decrease — not to mention that you’ll be left wondering if your child will ever use the potty without expecting candy.
Instead, try to focus on what your child is actually doing and “share with your child specific information about how he matters rather than simply praising him in hopes that he will repeat the behavior,” says Petro. It’s okay if you have or are currently offering jelly beans, but now it’s time to think of ways to get your child to be self-motivated.
Here are three tips to keep in mind for using positive reinforcement effectively:
- Be Specific
As Dr. Alice Sterling Honig, a professor of child and family studies at Syracuse University and author of “Secure Relationships,” explains, “Children are very literal, so parents need to be very specific and descriptive in their encouragement.” Simply saying “good job” for good behavior doesn’t actually teach your child anything. Instead, describe what you observe your child doing, says Dr. Honig. For example, after an unusually glorious trip to the grocery store that didn’t involve any meltdowns, instead of simply telling your child “You were very good today,” explain specifically by saying something like, “Thank you for being so patient while we went to the store today.”Although detail is key, it’s also important that you choose your words wisely. If you give a long speech about how being patient makes everyone at the grocery store a lot happier, your child is likely to tune out after the first few words. Cut to the chase and use easy words that your child already knows and understands, says Dr. Honig.
- Don’t Judge
As harmless as the words “good job” may seem, they are in essence telling your child that you are judging him for his behavior — which, in the long run, can affect his interest in doing any tasks without verbal encouragement. “A better use of positive reinforcement is not to give your opinion and make a judgment about behavior, but to show how it affected another,” says Petro. If your child shares his toys during a playdate, for example, rather than simply praising him, try to point out specifically how his actions affected his friend. Try saying something like, “I see your friend is so happy that your shared your toy.” This teaches your child that his actions were kind and helps him learn empathy, which is a tricky concept for a child.
- Give an “A” for Effort
When using positive reinforcement, it’s important to focus on effort rather than outcome, according to researchers at Stanford University. In other words, teach your child that what really matters is that he tries. Even if your child doesn’t accomplish a specific behavior, tell him that you appreciate that he is trying hard. This helps increase his motivation to work through challenges in the future. It’s also important to acknowledge feelings such as frustration. You can suggest a different way to do things or offer help, but let your child guide you, explains Dr. Honig. For example, if your child is struggling with hitting the ball at his Little League games, offer to practice with him and ask if he wants any tips.And check out The Power of Positive Reinforcement.
Praise can be a powerful tool in nurturing your child’s ability to self-motivate, but it’s important to be specific and recognize efforts without judgment in order to use it effectively. “I think of positive reinforcement as sharing with children how they contributed to the world or to another person’s experience,” says Petro.
For more tips on raising great kids, check out these 9 Tips for Teaching Kids Responsibility.
Shahrzad Warkentin is a freelance writer with several years of experience covering topics like parenting, health and lifestyle, and is a stay-at-home mom in Los Angeles.
