Your kid comes home upset about something that happened at school — maybe someone made fun of them; maybe the teacher said something offhand that didn’t sit well with them; maybe they even had to wait a bit to go to the bathroom. As parents, our first instinct is to jump right into our email to figure out exactly what happened. But, as a former high school teacher of 10 years, I was on the receiving end of such emails often enough to know what to do — and what not to do — as a parent.
Like other industry professionals, teachers field dozens, sometimes hundreds, of emails every day, and that’s on top of teaching up to 200 kids. They respond to parent phone calls, requests for conferences, concerns about physical and emotional health and collaborate with families on academic progress. It can be … a lot, hence the levels of teacher burnout spiking in the past few years.
Teachers welcome and encourage parent emails and conversations, as they are essential for student success, but there’s a way to go about it: be nice; be unassuming; be collaborative. You also need to assume that the teacher really does love your kid and wants to help — because most do. As a mom of five and after a decade as a teacher, here is my formula for how to talk to your child’s teacher about concerns.
Why parent-teacher communication matters
Building communication skills is vital to kids’ success at school. Research shows that effective communication between teachers and families can help children recognize their academic and non-academic potential, and leads to improved learning achievements. Data from the Harvard Graduate School of Education ties effective teacher-family communication to important benefits like:
- Increased homework completion rates.
- Classroom behavior improvements.
- Better participation in class.
Another study concludes that these benefits even begin in early childhood, so parents of preschoolers and daycare attendees, the following advice is for you, too.
How to talk to your child’s teacher about concerns
Given the significance of parents not only being involved, but also being strong and kind communicators with their kids’ teachers, here are the communication strategies I and other educators use to communicate with the epic individuals helping to raise, teach and love our kids.
1. Institute a waiting period
Here’s how to write an email to a teacher: just don’t, at least for a bit. While 24 hours is a bit too long to wait when you are dealing with young kids, I do recommend observing a waiting period of at least a few hours before jumping on your email or on the phone, unless it’s a potentially severe or urgent issue.
Instituting a waiting period before contacting your child’s teacher offers three major benefits:
- It gives you time to calm down if you’re upset.
- It provides a chance to contextualize the situation.
- It lets you really listen to your child.
Kids don’t always arrive home ready and eager to share all the details of their days in the first five minutes. More often than not, my kids come up with a little more information around bedtime, not in the first hours after school. Waiting for all the details helps to inform the questions you will eventually ask the teacher. In addition, it gives the school a bit of time to reach out on their own too.
2. Pick up the phone instead
We all love email. It’s fast, convenient and easier than calling. But, if you are dealing with a potentially more complex issue, it may be a better idea to pick up the phone. Often, a tone that gets interpreted as snippy on email is much more conversational with two human voices. Typically, parents and teachers also realize up front they are on the same team when they can hear that in the others’ voice.
You can ask at the beginning of the year about the best times to call your child’s teacher, and keep a note of those handy. Toby Walker, Vice President of BASIS Independent Schools and a former high school teacher, adds that parents and teachers should start each conversation with an expectation of an open discussion and shared decision making. “Go into a discussion with a shared approach and assuming best intentions,” he says. This is especially important for conversations about growth and development, behavior and learning.
“As a parent, I always start communications to the teacher with a compliment, whether it’s on the phone or via email. This helps the teacher not feel ‘on guard.'”
3. Make a compliment sandwich — with a question in the middle
Compliment sandwiches — or cushioning questions and concerns between positive feedback — work in coaching, in teaching and with parent-teacher communication. As a parent, I always start communications to the teacher with a compliment, whether it’s on the phone or via email. This helps the teacher not feel “on guard,” as I had to be periodically with parents when I was a teacher. Here’s an example of a compliment sandwich:
Dear Mrs. Superstar,
Just wanted to let you know my kid is seriously loving circle time. He comes home every day telling me about the book you chose and how you are such a fun and animated reader! Seems like today maybe he wasn’t listening too well during that activity, or maybe something else happened? Thanks for more info on that, and for all your hard work making reading fun.
As a teacher, I was more than happy to receive emails that didn’t jump right into a problem, but instead validated the work I’d done throughout the rest of the day with that child. Also, notice that in the example there’s a question mid-email, rather than an accusation. This question opens up a conversation instead of putting the teacher on the defensive.
4. Don’t make your first email a “problem” email
This is a teacher trick that works both ways. Teachers often make a point to send home a positive note at the beginning of the year, so their first conversation with parents or caregivers isn’t about a problem. This is a hack I use as a parent, too. By ensuring I’m recognizing something great about the teacher early on, I don’t feel bad later if I have to bring up a concern.
In the first month of school, make a point to send the teacher something cute your kid said about them, something you appreciate or a general thanks for a smooth start. Not only will this open up a positive line of communication, but it will also help your child’s teacher know you’re in their corner. In an age where teachers are sometimes verbally berated and even physically threatened by parents, be a parent who starts off the year on a positive note.
5. Don’t wait to bring up a recurrent issue
For parents wondering when to talk to your child’s teacher about concerns, the best way is early to prevent escalation. As a teacher, there’s nothing worse than coming into conference night and realizing a parent has been holding onto an issue for weeks or months and hasn’t communicated it yet — especially one that’s easily fixable.
“Communicate early if there is even a hint of trouble,” especially if it involves a child struggling at home or school, says Jeanne Huybrechts, Chief Academic Officer at Stratford School, who spent four decades teaching in science classrooms in Los Angeles. This might mean communicating after the first or second missed homework assignment, chatting about an emotional issue that’s showing up in class or offering a heads-up that there have been past issues with another classmate.
“From their distinct vantage points, both the parent and the teacher have the potential to spot an issue early, and that’s when conversations should begin,” Huybrechts adds.
6. Practice honesty and vulnerability
As a mom of five, all of my kids’ teachers know that even though I’m generally an organized person, having this many kids has been an unprecedented challenge for me. They know this because I’ve been vocal about those struggles, which has only been met with compassion from them. If one of my kids is occasionally late with a library book or I miss an event, they know it’s not on purpose.
Parents can practice vulnerability by expressing their real feelings whenever they talk to the teacher, even if it’s just a line or two about a crazy week. This is especially true if your pet died, you’re going through a divorce, you’re having a baby or you’re experiencing any other major milestone that can shake up family life.
“Sometimes, teachers don’t understand the intentions of parents. This is why it’s important for parents to communicate what their hopes are for their child and what their goals are as parents for the new school year.”
— Gigi Schweikert, CEO at Lightbridge Academy
Gigi Schweikert, CEO at Lightbridge Academy and a former elementary school teacher, seconds this tip. As a working mom of four, Schwiekert doesn’t always have time for every field trip and volunteer opportunity, but she values being an engaged parent and she’s honest about her limitations. “Sometimes, teachers don’t understand the intentions of parents. This is why it’s important for parents to communicate what their hopes are for their child and what their goals are as parents for the new school year with the teacher,” she explains.
She adds that vulnerability will also let the teacher know you need a bit more communication on the progress of your child. “Teachers are willing to go the extra mile if they have this information upfront,” she says.
The bottom line on parent-teacher communication
How parents and teachers communicate matters. Your child’s happiness and success each school year sometimes depends on it. While these conversations are sometimes difficult, remember to be a person when you talk to your child’s teacher.
Communicate with teachers with the same professionalism as you would your child’s doctor, and chat with them vulnerably with the same openness as you would a trusted friend. If you do this, and keep communication dos and don’ts in mind, your child’s teachers will feel empowered to collaborate with you all year to help your child succeed and thrive.
