Despite it being (literally) instrumental in the continuation of our species, sex has historically been a taboo talking point among families. A recent survey from OnePoll noted that roughly 60% of American adults were raised in households that rarely, if ever, discussed sex.
Even sex education classes in the U.S., where kids should (in theory) be learning about “the birds and the bees,” have routinely touted abstinence as the best, and sometimes only, way to avoid pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs), as the most recent data available from the Kaiser Family Foundation (KFF) notes. This, of course, contradicts the overwhelming evidence that abstience-centric sexual education does the exact opposite in preventing both of those things.
The good news: That aversion may be changing. In the OnePoll survey, those parents (2,000 in total) who said their parents shied away from sex talk planned to discuss — or already have discussed — the topic with their children.
That’s a good thing, according to the experts we interviewed for this piece.
All parents should have conversations about sex with their children and shouldn’t let others educate their kids, explains Roseann Capanna-Hodge, Ed.D., a pediatric mental health expert. “Because the internet and peers will do it for you if you don’t,” she points out.
Naturally, this would seem particularly true with terms like “pregnancy,” “abortion” and “reproductive health” being pushed to the front of public discourse in the media in recent months.
And as Dr. Pierrette Mimi Poinsett, a pediatrician and consultant for Mom Loves Best, adds, when discussion stems from you, you’re likely to bypass the fallacious, incorrect information they might receive about sex from the media or in school, and replace it with factual, objective responses.
“Transparent discussions are vital in establishing open lines of communication between adults and children,” explains Poinsett. “These discussions are an essential part of sex education. Transparent dialogue forms the basis of showing what consent and autonomy are.”
As all of the experts we interviewed for this piece reiterated, it’s never too early to start broaching the discussion surrounding pregnancy, consent and reproductive rights. Here’s how parents and caregivers can make a positive impact.
“Four- to 5-year-olds may only need to know that pregnancy is when a sperm and egg connect to form a fetus in a particular part of a woman’s belly called the uterus.”
— DR. PIERRETTE MIMI POINSETT
How to discuss pregnancy with children of all ages
When defining pregnancy, experts encourage parents to keep it anatomically-heavy and factual (even for the little kiddos).
Preschoolers
“Children at this age need straightforward explanations,” says Poinsett. “Four- to 5-year-olds may only need to know that pregnancy is when a sperm and egg connect to form a fetus in a particular part of a woman’s belly called the uterus.”
Of course, as Capanna-Hodge explains, it can also help to offer some real-world context.
“When it comes to talking about pregnancy and conception with children, you want to think about what you are going to say and keep it concise and simple,” she recommends. “With younger children, saying something like, ‘Babies grew in Mom’s belly, and they came out of her vagina,’ gives them accurate information that isn’t overwhelming.”
Elementary-aged children
As Reena B. Patel, a parenting psychologist, points out, elementary school-age is the ideal time to start differentiating between bodies. “This is a time to explain how children’s and adults’ bodies differ,” she says. “At this age range, they are concrete learners.”
She notes that you can explain how, when the child grows older, they may become capable of being pregnant or helping someone else get pregnant.
Dr. Poinsett adds that sticking to those factual terms — fetus, sperm, egg — throughout the explanation is important. “You might also want to add [at this age] that the fetus is connected to the uterus via an umbilical cord from the belly button to the placenta,” she says, adding that you can explain that a fetus is what develops in the mother’s uterus before it becomes a baby, and that the umbilical cord essentially helps to keep the fetus growing.
Tweens and teens
At this point, says Capanna-Hodge, your child will likely have talked about sex with a peer, heard about it through the media or through books, or even discussed sex with you early on. So it’s important to start by asking them what they know, she explains.
“The older the child, the more questions they will have, so have an organic conversation that builds on what they already know,” she recommends.
Dr. Poinsett says that they might want to know more about conception and fertilization, for example. In this case, relying on a trusted, objective source for information to relay is super-critical. This one-sheet on preventing pregnancy and STIs from the Office of Population Affairs, for example, is a good start. For questions about fertility, this website from Planned Parenthood offers a detailed explanation on the ways in which a person becomes fertile, and how that changes for various reasons.
“It’s important for parents to have ongoing conversations with their kids and answer their questions in a way that makes them feel comfortable and not judged.”
— ROSANNA CAPANNA-HODGE, ED.D., A PEDIATRIC MENTAL HEALTH EXPERT
How to talk about reproductive rights with children of all ages
Reproductive rights encompasses a wide variety of subjects, including consent, abortion and how reproductive rights as a whole are disproportionate for certain disadvantaged or minority communities. As Capanna-Hodge reiterates, ensure that the manner in which you approach these subjects facilitates a safe space for all involved.
“In general, it’s important for parents to have ongoing conversations with their kids and answer their questions in a way that makes them feel comfortable and not judged,” she explains. “Sensitive topics can be just as uncomfortable for adults, but when we have conversations with kids that welcome questions, it keeps the door open for all conversations about difficult subjects. As a parent, you always want to create a safe space so that your kids can come to you and talk about anything.”
Preschoolers
For this age, keep it super-simple and scientifically factual, says Poinsett. “[Explain to them that] abortion happens when a pregnancy ends before the fetus can be born.”
Capanna-Hodge says that if they ask why, you can offer another factual, but simple, response. You can emphasize that there are a number of reasons why to have an abortion, she explains, noting that this can be for a medical reason (“the mommy might get hurt if she becomes pregnant”), financial (“having a baby costs a lot of money and not all adults are ready”), or any other myriad of personal instigators for doing so. “Keep things factual for children to open up communication,” she reiterates.
Patel recommends using the word “sometimes” and sharing that there are many reasons a mom and doctor might decide together that an abortion might need to be done.
And while sexual consent might seem like a subject not warranting discussion at this age, it’s important to bring up the concept of body autonomy — the foundation for consent — in a context they’ll grasp.
“Consent for this age includes examples such as asking [them] if they want to be tickled or hugged,” says Poinsett. Reiterate to them that it’s okay to tell someone “no” or to ask them to stop doing something at any time, regardless of who it is — be it a peer at school or even a doctor or day care worker.
“Model consent by asking your preschool-age child when bathing them if you can put soap on their back,” says Patel. “If they say ‘no,’ give them a washcloth so they can do it themselves. Respect when they say they want to have privacy going to the bathroom or wanting to change in private.”
Elementary-aged children
In regards to abortion, Poinsett explains that you can add in a bit more detail for elementary-aged children. You can note that abortion is a procedure that a pregnant person goes through when they do not want to continue a pregnancy, she says. “A doctor may give the pregnant person special medicine or surgery to end the pregnancy.”
You can add that some parents have miscarriages or stillbirths, where the fetus dies before it’s born, says Poinsett. Those people also need abortions.
On the subject of consent, Capanna-Hodge says that you can mention that it’s never okay for anyone, children or adults, to touch you without permission. “[Discuss] not having people touch you anywhere on your body that makes you uncomfortable, but particularly in areas covered by a bathing suit,” she explains.
“When we talk about the facts with regards to why pregnancy isn’t the same for everyone, and how a loss of reproductive rights affects women, children have a stronger ability to learn about the world around them.”
— ROSANNA CAPANNA-HODGE, ED.D.
Tweens and teens
For young adults, understanding why a person would choose to have an abortion often becomes the focal point of discussion, says Capanna-Hodge. “They might want to have conversations about some of those reasons,” she says. “Tweens and teenagers are starting to think about the world outside of themselves, and emphasizing tolerance and empathy for others helps to make them better human beings.”
For starters, Capanna-Hodge notes that it’s important to remind them that some people are inherently more disadvantaged than others when it comes to reproductive health, like the LGBTQ+ community, those with low incomes or folks in communities primarily of color.
“When we talk about the facts with regards to why pregnancy isn’t the same for everyone, and how a loss of reproductive rights affects women, children have a stronger ability to learn about the world around them.”
When it comes to consent, Capanna-Hodge says that the same logic used when speaking to younger children about the subject — reiterating that you can say “no” to anyone at any time — applies. “Regardless of what age child you’re talking to, when you’re talking about consent, ask, ‘Has anybody ever put their hands on you and you didn’t like it?’ And then, let the conversation organically flow from there. The greater the age of the child, the more details you can provide.”
It’s important to be as nonjudgmental as possible as these conversations flow, according to the experts we spoke with, as parents and caregivers should always be positioning themselves as a safe resource for their child. You can also suggest other adults or organizations your child can go to if they have questions or concerns, such as Planned Parenthood or a similar local reproductive health advocate. Find a Planned Parenthood nearest you here.
When should a parent have these discussions with their child?
“There is no exact perfect moment when to discuss complex, “adult” subjects such as abortion and reproductive rights with children and teens,” Capanna-Hodge explains. “Instead, it should be an organic evolution of conversations that happen between parents and caregivers and their children.”
In other words: If the conversation seems forced or out of nowhere, it may not resonate as well as, say, it stemming from an event in the news or something that happened at school.
In general, Capanna-Hodge offers the following must-dos when talking about reproductive health, pregnancy and abortion with children of all ages:
- Use developmental language. If children are on the younger side, stick to words they know. If you introduce a new term, be sure to define it.
- Ask them what they know. This can help narrow down the specific topic that might resonate with the child the most.
- Use fact-based language to emphasize tolerance and understanding of others. Planned Parenthood offers a glossary of sexual health terms that parents and caregivers can reference.
- Make sure the conversation is ongoing. Let the child know that you’re always available to discuss the subject in more detail.