Obtaining regular child care is hard enough, but parents of LGBTQ+ kids face an additional challenge: finding caregivers who are affirming of their childrens’ identities. In the current political climate, this can be especially difficult for parents of trans and nonbinary children.
“LGBTQ+ children often face unique challenges, such as societal stigma, discrimination and potential rejection from peers or family members,” says Rebecca Minor, a gender specialist and licensed social worker specializing in trans and nonbinary youth.
To ensure their child is safe and affirmed, parents need to have the gender identity talk with prospective and current caregivers to ensure they have cultural competency — or, if they don’t, at least a desire to learn.
“Caregivers have a responsibility to protect not only the physical health, but also the mental health of the children they are looking after.”
— Myeshia Price, Director of Research Science for The Trevor Project
The impacts of having an affirming caregiver go beyond basic comfort. The Trevor Project’s research has found that having at least one accepting adult in a young LGBTQ+ person’s life can reduce the risk of a suicide attempt by 40%, points out Myeshia Price, Director of Research Science at the organization who holds her doctorate in developmental psychology. “Caregivers have a responsibility to protect not only the physical health, but also the mental health of the children they are looking after, which includes affirming and supporting their sexual orientation and/or gender identity,” notes Price.
Here’s how to talk with a caregiver, from hiring to ongoing check-ins, to ensure they’re understanding and affirming of your child’s gender identity.
The challenge — and importance — of finding affirming care
Parents of LGBTQ+ kids have to approach the child care search with additional scrutiny. “It is crucial that caregivers and parents treat an LGBTQ+ child in an affirming and supportive way for their emotional wellbeing and identity development,” Minor says. “By affirming and supporting the child’s LGBTQ+ identity, caregivers contribute to the child’s self-acceptance, self-understanding and ability to navigate their gender or sexual orientation with confidence and resilience.”
That said, while being open about the child’s identity is helpful in your search, the level of transparency and timing should be a family discussion, Price says. “Depending on the age of the child, first consider whether this is something they need or want communicated, and if so, how they’d prefer for it to be done,” she explains.
When Callie Glorioso-Mays, a mother of two, first moved to Germany for her spouse’s military career, she needed a reliable babysitter. Without leads, she planned to post in a local babysitting group online. “First, I discussed with our child psychologist how much information to reveal in that post and ended up putting both kids’ pronouns,” she says. “It also said specifically that we were looking for a caregiver who was supportive of the LGBTQ+ community.”
Despite one negative comment, Glorioso-Mays mostly received affirmation and found a great sitter from that carefully considered post. In the years since, she’s also become savvy at online sleuthing when seeking new caregivers or child care programs. For example, when researching preschools, she reviewed websites and social media, scoped out if the intake forms were gender-inclusive and checked for references to beliefs or gendered stereotypes.
Safety is her top concern for her 10-year-old nonbinary child. “For me, safety encompasses my child feeling safe to be themself,” she says, and that includes affirming teachers and caregivers.
Jena L., a mom in Washington State, showed similar care and savvy when seeking an au pair for her two children, both of whom are internationally adopted and have special needs. One child is also intersex and identifies as nonbinary. The au pair agency’s form doesn’t have a check-box for LGBTQ+-friendly, so Jena added details herself.
“Our family already looks a little bit different from other families on the surface, regardless of LGBTQ+ status, so it just made sense to add ‘LGBTQ+ affirming and friendly’ as a screener on our profile on the website,” she says.
How to screen nannies and sitters to find the best fit
When seeking a caregiver for a trans or nonbinary child, it’s important to communicate openly about the child and their needs, Minor says. Here are some key topics to cover during the hiring and interview process.
1. Uncover their experience
Minor suggests starting each interview by inquiring about LGBTQ+ competency. “Ask questions about the caregiver’s experience working with LGBTQ+ children or families,” Minor says. “Discuss their knowledge of gender diversity and their approach to creating an inclusive and affirming environment.”
“Even if their caretakers are unfamiliar with children in the LGBTQIA+ community, I need to know that they are at least willing to learn … so that they can treat my child with the same care that they would treat any other child.”
— Catina Franklin Sweedy, mom of two, Leesburg, Virginia
For some parents, a caregiver’s lack of experience isn’t a deal-breaker as long as there’s a genuine willingness to learn. Catina Franklin Sweedy is a mom of two in Leesburg, Virginia. When it comes to her nonbinary teenager, above all else she wants to know that they’re safe, respected and treated with dignity.
“Even if their caretakers are unfamiliar with children in the LGBTQIA+ community, I need to know that they are at least willing to learn and are willing to change and be flexible so that they can treat my child with the same care that they would treat any other child,” says Sweedy.
If a caregiver’s experience is lacking but they seem eager, ask if they’re receptive to learning if you provide resources.
2. Share your child’s identity
With your child’s permission, Minor says it’s important to openly and honestly communicate their gender identity status. “Explain any specific needs or considerations that may be necessary to support your child’s well-being,” Minor advises. “Observe the caregiver’s response and attentiveness to your concerns.”
Additionally, ask screening questions to gauge the caregiver’s comfort level using your child’s correct pronouns. “Just as you would discuss expectations around discipline and screen time, make sure you are on the same page around gender expression,” she explains. “For example, if it’s important that your sitter not bring gender rules into play or dress, ask their opinions in the interview.”
Glorioso-Mays finds it best to be upfront with anyone who might care for her kid. “With a nonbinary child who uses they/them pronouns, there’s no hiding that we are different,” she says. “I would rather have an honest conversation and see how the other person responds than beat around the bush and potentially put my child into a dangerous position.”
3. Ask for references
With heightened safety and discrimination concerns, Minor encourages requesting that candidates provide references from past clients, particularly those with LGBTQ+ children. “Reach out to these references to inquire about their experiences and whether the caregiver demonstrated understanding and support for their child’s identity,” she encourages.
Price adds that a parent’s comfort level with the sitter’s background and need for shared values may be more or less important depending on how much time they’ll spend with the children. For example, she says, your calculus may be different for an occasional date-night sitter compared to a full-time nanny.
4. Emphasize affirmation
Whether a caregiver is experienced with LGBTQ+ kids or not, it’s important to reiterate how affirming you are as parents and your expectations of affirmation from them. It could help to emphasize the role their affirmation can play in the child’s life.
“Studies have shown that LGBTQ+ individuals, including children, are at a higher risk of mental health challenges … Supportive caregivers can help mitigate these risks by providing acceptance, understanding and access to appropriate resources and support networks.”
— Rebecca Minor, gender specialist and licensed social worker
“Affirming and supportive caregivers can create a safe and nurturing environment that fosters the child’s emotional well-being, self-esteem and mental health,” Minor says. “Studies have shown that LGBTQ+ individuals, including children, are at a higher risk of mental health challenges such as anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation. Supportive caregivers can help mitigate these risks by providing acceptance, understanding and access to appropriate resources and support networks.”
Jena says having LGBTQ+-affirming language on her online profile helps her ease into those conversations at interviews. However, au pairs can have unique challenges, such as language barriers or cultural differences, she notes. “We try to understand cultural views may be different, but we do spend a significant portion of the interview talking about our intersex nonbinary child and making sure our au pair is OK with the idea that one day they might want to dress in pants/t-shirt and the next day a princess dress,” she says.
Set your caregiver up for success
Once you’ve found and hired your ideal caregiver, it’s time to communicate expectations so you’re all on the same page. Try these expert tips for starting things off on the right foot.
1. Communicate directly
Parents of LGBTQ+ children must approach the caregiver relationship with direct communication and clear expectations, Price says.
When the caregiver starts, make sure they know:
- What pronouns to use.
- Specific explanations for hair, clothes, etc.
- How they should respond to questions about the child’s gender.
- Rules for safe interactions when they and the child are out together.
In the spirit of open dialogue, Minor also suggests parents “encourage the caregiver to ask questions and seek clarification on how they can provide appropriate support.”
2. Provide resources
If the caregiver is open-minded but not experienced with gender-diverse kids, “share educational materials, books or online resources that focus on LGBTQ+ identities and issues,” Minor suggests, such as her own online course. “This can help the caregiver better understand the child’s experiences and offer insights into how to create an inclusive environment.”
You could also look for local trainings on LGBTQ+ cultural competency for professionals. If you can’t find something local, you can contact an organization like The LGBTQ Caregiver Center to set up a custom training.
3. Establish boundaries
While your caregiver needs to know personal details about your child, they should understand what can and cannot be shared with others. “Clearly communicate any limitations or boundaries related to privacy, disclosure, and discussions around the child’s gender identity,” Minor says. “Ensure the caregiver understands the importance of respecting the child’s confidentiality and providing a safe space for them.”
4. Be flexible
Jena says working with caregivers, particularly au pairs, can take patience and be a learning process. “Because au pairs are here for a cultural experience and often to develop their English skills, we have to be OK with pronouns sometimes getting confused or questions about ‘why’ our child is intersex,” she explains. “We choose to take an open-minded stance with this and provide education and learning opportunities, rather than feel like someone is attacking.”
5. Have regular check-ins
The conversations shouldn’t end after a caregiver is onboarded; it benefits the whole family to have ongoing check-ins. “Schedule periodic meetings or phone calls [with the caregiver] to discuss the child’s progress, experiences and any concerns that may arise,” Minor recommends. “Maintain an open line of communication to address any issues promptly and ensure the child’s well-being.”
Jena appreciates how her current au pair checks in weekly with observations. “Things like ‘they really preferred wearing dresses this week’ or ‘when we were at therapy this week, the provider kept misgendering them and it made me feel upset,’” she says. Jena adds that it also provides an opportunity for mutual information-sharing, since the au pairs sometimes have their finger on the pulse and can tell the parents about resources or activities in the community.
6. Get feedback from your child
It’s also critical for parents to have check-ins with the child without the caregiver present. “Engage your child in open conversations regularly and speak with them about their experiences with the caregiver,” Minor explains. “Encourage them to share any concerns or positive experiences which could be related to their gender identity or not!”
Lastly, she adds, parents should pay attention to any behavior changes or significant pattern shifts. “For example, if they stop wanting to wear certain things or start having tantrums consistently during bathtime or getting dressed, have notable changes in self esteem, or shifts in social engagement,” Minor explains. These could indicate that something isn’t going well and warrant further exploration.
The bottom line
Finding reliable and affordable childcare can be a feat these days. While it’s certainly ideal to hire a caregiver or daycare with loads of experience with LGBTQ+ kids, it may not be in the cards for every family. What ultimately matters is that they show non-judgment and a willingness to learn so they can make your child feel safe and affirmed.
Jena likes to remind her caregivers that even she and her spouse aren’t perfect and occasionally mess up their child’s pronouns. But, trying your best — and being committed to loving and accepting children just as they are — is what really counts.
