If you’ve been feeling utterly tapped out, you’re far from alone. The last two years of living through a global pandemic and with perpetual uncertainty challenging for everyone — but especially for parents and caregivers, points out Jennifer L. Hartstein, a nationally known child, adolescent and family psychologist.
“Feeling depleted is so common,” she says. “Almost everyone I speak to is feeling it. Many of us just can’t get excited for things that used to bring us joy. We’re just stuck. For many this could look like lethargy, distraction, disinterest. It can also show up in feeling more frustrated or irritable, and having less patience. Some of us may be more anxious or depressed. Depletion takes it all away from us, and then, also makes it hard to push through and do the things we must do.”
“Depletion takes it all away from us, and then, also makes it hard to push through and do the things we must do.”
— JENNIFER HARTSTEIN, CHILD, ADOLESCENT AND FAMILY PSYCHOLOGIST
And on top of all of that, parents and caregivers have been walking through a revolving door of additional roles — employee, teacher, coach and more.
The pure depletion this has led to is a case for finding a way to put yourself first, says Hartstein. Here, how you can tap into the power of self-compassion, slowing down and self-care to recharge.
How self-compassion can help
Throughout the pandemic, most parents and caregivers have felt pressured to “do it all” — whether that means teaching your child geometry, navigate the safest care for an older loved one or come up with a game plan for transitioning back to an office (if and when) that time comes. That’s why self-compassion — or extending compassion to yourself when you fear you’re coming up short or failing — is needed now more than ever, says Hartstein.
“We don’t have to be the best mom, the best dad, the best partner,” she notes. “It’s OK to say to yourself: ‘I’m doing the best I can right now.’ It’s not uncommon for us to say that to the people we care about, yet it’s so hard to give ourselves the same permission.”
And practicing self-compassion is simpler than it might sound. One way to start: “Talk to yourself as if you were talking to a friend,” suggests Hartstein. “What would you say to them in the same situation?”
“We keep pushing and pushing and don’t stop to recognize what we need. Slow down. Everything can wait five minutes.”
— jENNIFER HARTSTEIN
The case for slowing down
Not only might you feel pressured to tackle a never-ending laundry list as perfectly as can be, but it’s common to feel like everything on that list is urgent.
“We keep pushing and pushing and don’t stop to recognize what we need,” notes Hartstein. “Slow down. Everything can wait five minutes. What do you need right now? Allow yourself that time.”
Slowing down will also bolster your attentiveness, preempt mistakes and make it possible to actually enjoy what you’re doing. Plus, it will help you avoid burnout.
Hartstein encourages parents and caregivers to also bear in mind that someone else’s lack of planning is not your emergency. “We do not have to take on everyone else’s problems as our own,” she notes.
Still, adopting a less frenetic pace is challenging, acknowledges Hartstein. “Take five minutes every day, and be mindful about one thing,” she advises. “Start small, and really focus on one thing you’re doing — taking a shower, drinking your coffee, listening to music, changing a diaper. Notice how you feel before you were mindful of it, and notice how you feel afterward. It’s amazing the impact of that small time commitment.”
“We all spend a lot of time taking care of others. Why isn’t it OK to take care of oneself?”
— JENNIFER HARTSTEIN
How self-care factors in
Once you’re in the habit of practicing self-compassion and believe you’re deserving of kindness and have slowed down enough to tap into your needs, you’ll be more likely to engage in self-care, says Hartstein.
Although self-care tends to be branded as taking a bubble bath or going for a pedicure, that’s a misconception. “There is a lot of misunderstanding about self-care,” says Hartstein. “Often people think it is selfish or that they don’t have the time to do it. I completely disagree. The definition is actually in the word: Self-care means taking care of yourself. We all spend a lot of time taking care of others. Why isn’t it OK to take care of oneself?”
And it can be any action that allows you to make yourself a priority. “It can range from a five-minute break to identifying and creating boundaries to going to therapy to finding a support group,” says Hartstein.
Asserting your needs goes hand-in-hand with practicing self-care too, she points out. “It is so important to be able to ask for what you need,” says Hartstein. “Arguments frequently happen because we feel disappointed that someone didn’t anticipate our needs. Unless you ask for what you want, people will inevitably let you down.”
She recommends being clear and direct as well as allowing for discussion and negotiation, noting, “Sometimes, what you need won’t be offered, and if you don’t ask, you’ll never know.”
Ultimately, making yourself a priority is a must for tackling pandemic depletion. “Parents and caregivers need to provide for themselves in order to be able to provide for others,” says Hartstein. And not only will giving back to yourself allow you to recharge, but it’ll result in being more present and engaged with your loved ones. And that is the ultimate win-win.
