If you’re a parent or caregiver of a child with autism, you may wonder how best to support them both emotionally and behaviorally. Though every child on the spectrum is different, one common characteristic among children with autism is that they may need extra support when developing their emotional intelligence, also known as EQ.
“Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify and manage your own feelings and emotions and understand and empathize with the feelings and emotions of others,” says Chelsea Elliott, a social worker, mom, certified emotional intelligence coach and CEO of Sōmōcom Lab.
It’s important to foster and support the emotional intelligence of a child on the autism spectrum since being on the spectrum can make it harder for some kids to process and understand their own and others’ emotions. For some parents and caregivers, this might come as second nature, but for others, this is a whole new territory. To make the process easier, we spoke with therapists and emotional intelligence experts about the correlation between autism and emotional development and how parents and caregivers can help foster a high EQ in children.
How does autism affect a child’s emotional development?
Every child is different, so there’s no single way that autism affects a child’s emotional development. However, there are a few common ways in which it may show up. “Some children with autism may have trouble identifying and understanding emotions in themselves and others,” says Elliott. “They may struggle with expressing their own emotions or understanding social cues, leading to challenges in forming and maintaining relationships.”
Carmalita Marshall Kemayo, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Cortica, adds that some children with autism have difficulty tolerating eye contact, physical closeness and/or touch, certain sound frequencies or textures. This can impact their ability to connect with others and influence their emotional development.
Meanwhile, other kids with autism may have an easier time expressing and interpreting emotions. For example, Elliott says, some children might display heightened focus on or interest in specific emotions and have a strong capacity for honesty and authenticity in their emotional expressions.
Children also have the potential to grow their emotional skill set with support from parents and caregivers. Jeanette Lorandini, a licensed clinical social worker and the founder and director of Suffolk DBT, says that children who demonstrate better emotional regulation and more self-advocacy likely have a higher EQ since they are able to express their feelings in an effective way.
How to support emotional intelligence in a child who has autism
When it comes to supporting the emotional intelligence of a child on the autism spectrum, there are a few ways you can help. First, you’ll want to check in with their care team to see if they have any recommendations and suggestions on how to best work with the child to meet their individual needs. Here, our experts share some other tips that can help get you started.
1. Create a supportive and accepting environment
As a parent or caregiver, strive to provide a safe space where the child feels comfortable expressing their emotions without judgment or criticism. “Encourage open communication and validate their feelings,” says Elliott.
“Use your active listening skills to show your child that you care about what they have to say, especially when they are sharing their emotions with you.”
— Chelsea Elliott, social worker and certified emotional intelligence coach
Part of setting up a supportive and accepting environment can look like paying close attention when the child is speaking with you. “Use your active listening skills to show that you care about what they have to say, especially when they are sharing their emotions with you,” says Elliott. “Additionally, you’ll want to make eye contact with them, if they are comfortable with that, and repeat what you are hearing to let them know you’re listening.”
Elliott also suggests asking open-ended questions to allow them to expand on their thoughts. For example, instead of asking if something hurt a child’s feelings, you can ask, “What happened that hurt your feelings?”
2. Use visual supports and social stories
Elliot recommends using visual aids, such as visual schedules and emotion charts. She also recommends creating social stories to help children understand and navigate emotions more effectively. A social story is a fictional story or comic strip that provides relatable examples of challenging situations and their solutions.
“For example, I wrote a social story to help a child identify what they feel when hearing the word ‘no,’” says Elliott. “The story validates that we all get angry when we hear no, shares the physical feelings of anger in our bodies, shows what we can do when we’re angry and offers a reminder that it’s okay to feel how you feel. It’s a very simple story that kids can relate to and see themselves in.”
Kristen Gingrich, a licensed clinical social worker and mother of a son with autism, says visual aids have proven beneficial for her child. “With my son, utilizing feeling charts and books that talk about feelings is helpful,” she says. “We use it throughout the day and relate it back to the people in our lives when they’re experiencing emotions, as well as when we’re watching a TV show or reading a book.”
3. Practice emotional labeling and recognition
Another way to foster emotional intelligence in kids with autism is to teach them to identify and label their own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. “We talk about emotions in our house just like we would talk about what we did for the day,” says Gingrich.
Felder says a great way to practice is by using characters in television or books. Consider asking questions like:
- How does this character feel?
- What clues do they give to let you know how they might be feeling? Are they smiling? Crying? Frowning? Stomping? Giggling?
- How did this character’s choice make the other character feel?
- How might you handle this tough moment they were in?
- Who did this character ask for help?
Elliott recommends the EQ Kids Crew Card Game to help autistic children expand their emotional vocabulary and express those emotions in effective and healthy ways.
4. Help your child make a plan
When emotions arise, it can be hard for a child to know how to process them and proceed. Lorandini recommends making a plan together with actions and activities that address what to do with all of the feelings, not just the tough emotional moments.
“Making a plan for when emotions become overwhelming helps everyone feel in control and practice for moments of crisis.”
— Jeanette Lorandini, licensed clinical social worker
“When we feel happy, we hug our friends. When we feel hungry, we ask for a snack. If we are upset, we can use several key tactics, including taking a deep breath and counting to five, clenching and unclenching our fists, drawing an angry picture or asking for a hug from a loved one,” she adds. “Making a plan for when emotions become overwhelming helps everyone feel in control and practice for moments of crisis.”
5. Teach and model self-regulation techniques
It’s important to lead by example, especially when it comes to fostering emotional intelligence. “Teach the child strategies for managing their emotions, such as deep breathing exercises, taking breaks or using calming tools like sensory objects (toys designed to stimulate the five senses),” says Elliott.
For Gingrich’s son, co-regulation — caregivers providing direct support for kids to develop self-regulation — is an extremely helpful coping strategy when it comes to overwhelming feelings and emotions. “I either ask him to hold my hands or even sit in my lap facing me, and we will rock back and forth while taking deep breaths,” she adds. “The thing that is the most important around this is that I am able to maintain my calm in the situation.”
6. Recognize positive steps and changes
Elliott says your child may demonstrate emotional intelligence by using phrases like:
- “I don’t like when you touch my things. Can you please ask me next time?”
- “I am not comfortable being here. Can we leave soon?”
- “I feel [insert emotion] when [insert situation].”
They may also show it through actions. For example, your child may notice another child being left out at the park and invite them to play.
Whether they demonstrate emotional intelligence verbally or through actions, be sure to recognize and applaud them. Elliott recommends using phrases like:
- “I really like how you…”
- “You spoke up for yourself really well.”
- “How did it make you feel when…?”
- “I am so proud of how well you handled that situation.”
- “Remember how you handled that so well last time? What can we do this time?”
- “Hmm. How do you think we should handle this?”
- “What would you like to do next?”
- “You did a great job calming your body!”
The bottom line
Learning emotional intelligence is a lifelong process, even for adults, and the most important thing parents can do for their kids is support them at every stage.
“It’s important to remember that every child with autism is unique, and their emotional development will vary from others on the spectrum,” says Elliott. “Celebrate their progress and focus on their strengths. Know your child and their emotional triggers to better support their development and reduce or prevent emotional outbursts.”
For more ideas on how to support a child’s emotional development, you can consult with their care team (pediatrician, therapist, psychiatrist, etc.) for professional guidance on how to manage challenging behaviors and which techniques will be most beneficial for your child.