You’re divorced from your kids’ father and in a new relationship. You want this one to work out. You want it to stand the test of time. But, as a mother, you know that nothing takes precedence over your kids.
So, how do you give your new relationship the nourishment it needs to be successful while ensuring the kids don’t feel slighted? How do you reconcile these two competing forces?
I’m telling you from firsthand experience that it can be done. It’s hard, but it’s possible.
Coming out of a failed 15-year marriage, I didn’t know what to expect from the dating scene. My children relied on me completely, and they were still reeling from the recent upheaval of their family. While my primary goal was to keep them moving along in a positive direction, I also knew I didn’t want to hole myself up at the expense of finding my own path forward.
Enter: “Joe” (not his real name).
About a year after my marriage ended, Joe and I started dating — and it got rather serious, rather quickly. And while the relationship got off the ground effortlessly, maintaining and growing it was a whole different endeavor.
Here’s the thing: In order for a relationship to be successful — beyond the initial stages of blissful infatuation — it needs to be fed, cared for and actively tended to. That’s hard enough when there are just two of you to consider. Add any number of kids from previous marriages to the dynamic and the relationship can become starved rather easily.
Joe and I quickly discovered that the rules had changed. The dynamic of our relationship did not even closely resemble anything we’d experienced in our previous lives. In his FamilyLife article, “11 ‘Best Practices’ for Dating as a Single Parent,” marriage and family therapist Ron L. Deal explains, “You may know how to drive a car, but driving in snow and icy conditions requires a different knowledge and skill set.”
Well said, Mr. Deal. I concur.
On our journey, we learned that with some careful consideration, good communication and a little planning, we could have a successful post-divorce relationship while still giving the kids — both his and mine — top billing in our lives.
Here are our six big takeaways:
1) Take Responsibility for the Failures in Your First Marriage
Truth be told, this is a necessary ingredient in any post-divorce relationship, regardless of whether there are kids involved. But it’s an important point that can’t be overlooked.
Erik Newton, founder of “Together,” a magazine and podcast for couples. In his article, “Why the Best Daters Are Divorced,” he explains:
When people are willing to work through the emotional challenges of a divorce proactively and learn from the experience, they enter new relationships with more maturity and self-awareness. That makes relationships after divorce not just more successful, but more fun as well.
This particular advice served me well in my own experience. By giving myself time to mourn the loss of my marriage — and to own up to my contributions to its demise — I was in a good place when it came time to embark on a new relationship. This set the foundation for a fulfilling partnership that could also handle the tough waters we’d face ahead.
2) Set Expectations With Your Partner
Children of divorce tend to need additional attention from their parent(s) to offset the insecurities and fears they may feel as a result of their parents’ split. The parent-child bond, according to licensed psychologist, social worker and parenting expert Dr. Peggy Kruger Tietz, is critical in giving them that sense of security.
As your relationship becomes more serious, be sure that your partner understands the delicate nature of your role as a mom during this time in your children’s lives. Let them know that, while you’re committed to the relationship, the kids trump all. This will help to alleviate any potential battles for your time and attention down the road.
3) Communicate Clearly With the Kids
While children may not express it, they’ll likely fear being pushed aside in favor of your new partner. Offer them reassurance to the contrary in both your words and your actions.
“Parents need to make sure before things get tricky that children understand their continued importance to them,” says Constance Ahrons, Ph.D., author of “The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart.” “They are dealing with their own issues of loss, betrayal, adjustment, trust — just to name a few.”
Ongoing communication with my children has been — and continues to be — my most powerful tool as we move through these unchartered waters together.
4) Plan Time With Your Partner
The kids come first. That much has been established. But that doesn’t mean every waking hour should be spent with them — nor does it in any way minimize your relationship with your partner. It’s simply a matter of prioritizing.
I’ve found that setting aside this time for my own relationship has been a crucial building block to our success as a couple. And research done by Mathew Boggs and Jason Miller, authors of “Project Everlasting: Two Bachelors Discover the Secrets of America’s Greatest Marriages,” tells me that I’m not alone. The pair traveled 12,000 miles to interview 200 real couples who’d been married for 40-plus years.
A common theme emerged: Happy couples never stop dating.
Yes, your schedule is hectic and the kids keep you busy, but your relationship also requires some tender loving care. It doesn’t matter what the two of you do, as long as you’re spending the time together. All you need to do is pick a date and get your babysitter or nanny on board.
My only caveat: Keep your phone on. Just knowing you’re available to your children even when you’re enjoying some adult time gives them a greater sense of security, which removes any guilt you may feel about being away from them.
5) “Date” Your Children, Too
Scheduling “dates” with your children is equally important so that you can interact on a more personal level and give them your undivided attention.
I make it a point to take my kids out for dinners or ice cream, join them for bike rides or even take them on hikes — just the three of us. And unlike my aforementioned rule, no phone calls allowed.
The time you’re giving them is for them and them alone.
6) Be Patient. Be Flexible
Even if you’re not married to your new partner, once the relationship becomes serious, you may be dealing with a blended-family dynamic.
Understand that not all parties involved — be it your partner, your children, his children or either of the ex-spouses — will adjust to the new situation at the pace you’d like.
“Blending is a journey, which requires plenty of patience,” writes author, speaker and blended-family adviser Adele Cornish. “Relationships are a work in progress and your family dynamics will change over time.”
Remember: This is not a one-size-fits-all situation. With so many moving parts in play, mistakes will be made, difficulties will arise and relationships will be tested. But with a little trial and error, and discovery of what works and what doesn’t, finding a healthy love/family balance can be achieved and maintained.