Whether you have years of experience or are relatively new to the game, when you’re hired as a nanny or babysitter, it’s for a reason: You’re capable and trustworthy. Unfortunately, no matter how good you are at your job, it still may not prevent the tendency for some parents to micromanage you and your work.
“There is so much about raising children that parents can’t control,” says Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, a clinical psychologist, parenting coach and author of “The Tantrum Survival Guide.” “When people are anxious, it’s human nature to attempt to increase control over the areas in which they have power to do so, or at least the areas in which they think we have power to do so. Many parents would love to have more control over [a number of] things, and because that’s so out of reach, they exert control over the day to day — which is where caregivers come in.”
Of course, when you’re the target of a micromanaging parent, it isn’t fun. “When nannies and sitters are micromanaged, they tend to feel like their employer doesn’t trust them or have confidence in their ability to provide quality care,” explains Michelle LaRowe, lead educator at NannyTraining.com and author of “Nanny to the Rescue!” “It can make nannies feel that their performance is subpar and that they aren’t meeting expectations.”
“When nannies and sitters are micromanaged, they tend to feel like their employer doesn’t trust them or have confidence in their ability to provide quality care.”
— Michelle LaRowe, nanny educator
Tired of being told how to do your job to the nth degree? Here’s how to spot — and stop — micromanaging parents.
What are the signs of micromanaging parents?
What a parent employer chooses to laser focus on can vary widely among families, but the common theme is trying to control small details. They’re majoring in the minors, so to speak. Here are some common ways parents micromanage their child care providers, according to LaRowe and Stella Reid, AKA Nanny Stella, professional nanny of over 30 years:
- Delegating but wanting constant updates of everything.
- “Checking in” frequently throughout the day.
- Asking you to follow rigid schedules.
- Asking you to complete tasks in a specific way, such as fastening the diaper “their way.”
- Becoming overly involved in your personal life.
- Insisting you drive a specific route to school pickup.
- Insisting you cut vegetables or foods a specific way.
- Redoing tasks you’ve already completed.
- Detailing every meal and snack for the kids.
- Requiring approval for every activity of every day.
- Reminding you numerous times to complete a task that you’ve already demonstrated mastery of, like leaving to pick the child up from school on time.
What are the effects of micromanagement?
Needless to say, an environment where an employer is trying to control your every move isn’t healthy and it can take its toll on your relationship to both your employer and your job. “Being micromanaged can make nannies feel incompetent, inadequate, stifled and untrustworthy,” says Reid.
That said, understanding the root cause of micromanagement — usually anxiety — may help you feel some compassion, which can lead to an overall improvement of the situation.
“High expectations, guilt and, most commonly, anxiety, are ultimately what’s behind parents who micromanage their nanny,” says Julia M. Chamberlain, a child and family therapist in Hingham, Massachusetts. “It is difficult for many parents to leave their children in the care of another, and they feel pressure to excel in their role as a parent, in addition to balancing other obligations, such as work. This can result in the urge to ensure that all aspects of the day are curated by the absent parent as a means to feel like they were ‘there’ while they are away.”
“High expectations, guilt and, most commonly, anxiety, are ultimately what’s behind parents who micromanage their nanny.”
— Julia M. Chamberlain, child and family therapist
According to LaRowe, acknowledging that it’s difficult for parents to leave their children with someone all day, regardless of how capable they are, can help you find ways to foster the parent/child relationship, which in turn, may curtail micromanagement. “Making a big deal when mom or dad comes home and showing them that you talked about them throughout the day by making pictures or projects will reassure parents that you are committed to providing high quality care while they can’t be there,” she says. “And by working together to address the core issue by coming up with a workable plan, such as a scheduled check-in call each day, can help curb micromanaging.”
Questions to ask your employer when you’re being micromanaged
“In any parent-nanny situation that isn’t working, both parties should communicate as openly as possible,” Reid says, “I recommend weekly check-ins, regardless of whether people feel there are issues or not.”
“I recommend weekly check-ins, regardless of whether people feel there are issues or not.”
— Stella Reid, professional nanny
Here are a few questions Reid recommends asking your employer regularly, particularly if you feel like you’re being micromanaged:
- “Have I gained your trust yet?”
- “When you are constantly checking on me/changing things that I have done, I start questioning my experience and skill set. I am here to make your life easier. Please let me know what I can do differently.”
- “How can we work together so that you feel comfortable that things are getting done to your liking and I can feel competent?”
Common micromanaging situations and how to deal with them
While each family is different, here are some of the most common micromanaging situations, along with tips for addressing them.
1. Undermining you in front of the kids
Chamberlain notes that parents and caregivers “need to remain united in front of children,” as undermining a nanny or sitter can result in the children becoming defiant with you.
What to do when it happens: Broach the subject in private.
“Say something like: ‘I thought it was a house rule that the kids were not allowed to use electronics on the weekdays? When I tell the children they are not able to use their tablets, then they call you and you text me to give them their tablets, I feel that it undermines my authority,’” advises LaRowe. “‘How can we work as a team and ensure consistency in the expectations? I’m concerned that if I am not supported in what I say, the children will not listen to me and this could become a safety and/or a respect issue.’”
2. Dictating every second of the day
A loose schedule is one thing, planning every millisecond via text is another.
What to do when it happens: Counter with a question.
“Acknowledge that routine and structure are important, but convey that you have a good understanding of the kids’ schedules,” LaRowe says. “Ask if keeping a daily log that you can review together at the end of the day would help demonstrate that you’re doing what needs to be done.”
3. Over-explaining every little detail
Whether it’s a reminder to make sure everyone washes their hands after using the bathroom or telling you what snacks should be made when and how, parent-’splaining can feel condescending.
What to do when it happens: Ask how you can help quell anxieties.
“Let your employer know that details are important to you, too,” LaRowe says. “Then ask how you can reassure them that you can successfully do what they’ve asked without having to be told step by step how to do it.”
4. Frequent “pop-ins” from parents who work from home (or intervening when the baby is upset or crying)
Caring for kids when mom or dad are home can prove to be extra tricky at times.
What to do: Let them know you’ll tell them if you need their assistance.
“Let the parents know that you know it’s hard to hear their child crying. However, inform them that if there was ever a situation where you felt you were unable to soothe the child, you would alert them,” LaRowe says. “Ask if you can agree on a time frame before they come in, as you want to demonstrate that you can meet the baby’s needs, and without that opportunity, you’re worried it won’t happen.”
5. Constant texting
Different from in-person pop-ins, frequent texting can prove to be equally distracting.
What to do: Have a set check-in time.
“Constant phone-pinging can make it difficult to engage with a child, so let your employer know,” LaRowe says. “Ask if they’re open to a specific check-in time, such as naptime, to review things, instead of texting throughout the day.”
“Constant phone-pinging can make it difficult to engage with a child, so let your employer know.”
—Michelle LaRowe
6. Redoing your work
Whether it’s repacking the diaper bag “correctly” or changing a little one’s clothes after you get them dressed, having your work redone can feel uncomfortable.
What to do: Ask what was “wrong.”
“Let your employer know that you noticed the diaper bag was repacked after you packed it and ask them what you can do differently,” LaRowe suggests. “This way, no one is duplicating work.”
