Whether they realize it or not, all parents and caregivers have house rules for kids. They wouldn’t, for instance, allow children to stand on the kitchen table at mealtime or maybe even wear shoes in the house. But having a specific set of rules that are formalized — via family conversation and consistent enforcement — can cut down on common daily battles, making home life less stressful and more productive for all.
“One of the biggest issues I see when working with families is that everyone is on a different page,” explains Meghan Geary, clinical psychologist, assistant director of the Training Institute, The Baker Center in Boston and instructor of psychology at Harvard medical school. “House rules set clear behavior expectations, along with predictable, realistic consequences or rewards.”
Here, Geary and other experts offer insight on the importance of household rules, common house rules for kids, tips for upholding them and more.
What are house rules (aka, family rules)?
House or family rules are a set of guidelines or principles that families personally set and maintain, explains Tasha Brown, a clinical psychologist in New York City and assistant professor of medical psychology at Columbia University Medical Center.
“These rules clearly communicate important, decided-upon boundaries within the home and family,” she continues, “Additionally, they help parents and caregivers be more consistent with implementing rules and ensure that everyone is on the same page.”
According to Geary, house rules generally are broad (i.e., keep your hands to yourself), but at the same time are very much individualized to families and their values (i.e., kindness). The rules should also, she notes, be able to be easily translated to other environments, like church, the grocery store, or friends’ homes.
Tips for sharing house rules with sitters, nannies and grandparents
Your house rules should also, according to Geary, be simple enough to explain to caregivers, such as nannies, babysitters, grandparents, etc.
In fact, if you’re hiring a caretaker, take time to clearly outline each rule, providing examples or scenarios to help them understand your expectations and encouraging questions. It can be a good idea to include house rules in your nanny contract or babysitter contract.
What are some examples of common house rules?
Every family should decide their household rules, based upon what’s most important to them, along with children’s ages and other factors, such as neurodiversities, but here are some of the most common house rules for kids, per Geary, Brown and Hannah Keeley, master board-certified life coach.
Have a safe body/keep your hands to yourself
This essentially means, no hitting, kicking, punching, pushing, biting, etc.
Be a good listener
This rule means complying with the reasonable requests from parents and caregivers in a timely manner. For instance, if a child is asked to brush their teeth or turn off their iPad, they should do it within the first few asks. “Don’t expect perfection with this,” Geary says. “You may have to give kids 1-2 tries here. Also, compliance is about 80% for young kids.”
Use kind words
“This is about using a respectful tone,” says Geary. Depending on the child’s age, it can mean anything from no name calling or saying “I hate you” to no swearing.
Take responsibility for personal belongings/personal space
This household rule, Keeley notes, encompasses cleaning up after one’s self, keeping rooms clean, caring for personal belongings, etc.
Don’t interrupt
Lisa McGarry, a mom of three in Secaucus, New Jersey, made “no interrupting” a house rule for her kids, as well as for her and her husband, when no one could get a word in edgewise. “It wasn’t ever something near and dear to me before I had children,” she says. “But we reached a point when everyone was constantly talking over one another, and it had to stop.”
Do chores.
Brown notes that it’s also common for some house rules to coincide with kids taking part in chores. For example, they can clear plates from the table after each meal, feed the dog, take out the trash, etc.
Pro tip: When deciding on house rules for kids, Geary says it’s best to keep them to between three to five. While you may have a litany in your head, it’s cleaner all around if the rules are minimal and cover a lot of ground. For instance, “be a good listener” translates to a number of different scenarios — including rules about screens, bedtime and more.
Tips for enforcing house rules
In addition to keeping your list concise, consider the following tips for making rules stick.
Be consistent
Need we even say it? The more you stick to your rules — and the consequences that result from following/not following them — the more ingrained they’ll become. “When you’re consistent and predictable with your rules, kids will know what to expect,” notes Geary.
Reset when you need to
Routines can fall apart. It happens. When this happens with house rules, simply reset and begin again. “There are going to be ups and downs,” says Geary. “Sometimes when parents see change, they sort of pull back on their efforts — and then the behavior starts up again. If this happens, just go back to square one.”
Make praise specific
If you catch your child following the rules, let them know — and be specific. “Say: ‘I love how you’re having a safe body’ or ‘thanks for listening when I asked you to turn off the TV,’” notes Geary.
Set kids up for success
Geary recommends parents and caregivers practice what’s called “antecedent management” — aka, setting kids up for success on the front end. For instance, if you know your child has a hard time brushing their teeth — and will resist — right before bed, ask them to do it earlier on in the night. This way, the environment is primed and they’re more likely to comply — and receive praise, as a result.
Benefits of house rules for kids
From kids and parents to caregivers, house rules benefit everyone. Here are a few of the advantages of naming and enforcing a set list of household rules:
Cuts down on household stress
Household rules are predictable, which in turn causes less stress, as kids know what’s expected and what’s coming. “Rules make life easier and more consistent to manage,” explains Keeley. “They also provide a framework as the children evolve and grow.”
And to that point, less stress equals better mood regulation, Geary adds. “It’s very comforting to know what’s expected of you and how the person in charge is going to respond,” she says.
Helps families prioritize what matters most
Feeling overwhelmed is an unfortunate byproduct of parenting and caregiving. But when parents sit down and explore their top priorities and values, it helps filter out a lot of the noise, according to Geary.
“Setting house rules gives families the opportunity to decide what’s a priority, what their top concerns are and what they really want to hone in on,” she says. “So many parents are just going, going, going all the time without time for reflection or plan implementation. House rules narrow down what’s important — and can ultimately be a nice launching point for other issues down the line.”
Provides kids a ‘code of ethics’
According to Keeley, household rules provide a framework for kids that helps them make decisions. “They also teach kids the value of taking personal responsibility, while giving them a ‘code of ethics’ to navigate life,” she adds.
Helps kids feel safe
Your kid may say they want ice cream for breakfast every day and to go to bed whenever they please, but ultimately, they wouldn’t like it if you obliged (even if they don’t know it). “Boundaries help children to feel safe,” notes Brown. “And house rules provide that.”
Note: House rules can be particularly beneficial for kids with ADHD, as they respond particularly well to organized systems with rewards and consequences. “It can be harder for kids with ADHD to learn the behavior-consequence connection initially,” Geary says. “But once they do, it can be extremely helpful and effective.”
The bottom line
Determining house rules for kids can take a little work upfront but ultimately is well worth it, as it leads to a much more harmonious household and can be easily translated to nannies, babysitters and grandparents.
“Focusing on just a few things, and setting reasonable expectations, goes a long way,” Geary says. “It’s about working smarter, not harder.”
