When we think about our senior loved ones aging well, we consider their physical health, their living arrangements and the quality of care they’re receiving. But those are of course not the only things that contribute to a senior’s well-being. Getting older is a complex, emotional process that can create a lot of stress and anxiety.
Aging loved ones may have complicated feelings about getting older, be experiencing major changes to their physical or cognitive abilities and they may suddenly be faced with the loss of friends or a partner. If you have an older loved one in your life or in your care, it’s important to take their emotional aging into account, as well.
Adult children, caregivers and loved ones can play an important role in helping seniors cope with age-related negativity, sadness, grief and other difficult feelings. “Numerous studies show that social support reduces stress and anxiety, and helps people feel meaningful and optimistic,” says Clay Routledge, a psychological scientist and professor of management at North Dakota State University. “Activities and experiences that help strengthen social connection or remind people that they are loved and matter to others also really help people manage the negative emotions that can be associated with change.”
Here, Routledge and other experts share their tips for supporting physiological changes in older adults.
“Having a sense of purpose and meaning in life is key to psychological health.”
— Clay Routledge, psychological scientist
Why our aging loved ones may struggle
Many people over age 65 face an increased risk of loneliness, depression and other mental health struggles. This is not because depression or loneliness is just a “normal” part of getting older. Often, it’s related to health problems, bereavement and lack of social support.
“Even for those who have other people around, they can just feel so much loss,” says Jennifer Tomko, a psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker who owns Clarity Health Solutions in Jupiter, Florida. Depending on the situation, older loved ones may simultaneously be feeling a loss of:
- Identity.
- Independence.
- Partnership.
- Friendships.
- Traditions.
“There’s a loss in just knowing that their bodies are changing and they can’t do anything about it,” she adds. “Feeling the powerlessness around all of that, and then looking at the future can be really challenging.”
The pandemic made mental health struggles even more prominent for older people, but even as vaccination rates increase and the world begins to reopen, many are still struggling. A national poll on healthy aging released by the University of Michigan in May 2021 shows more than one in four older adults said that within the two weeks preceding the poll, they had little pleasure in doing things or felt depressed or hopeless. Additionally, one in three reported feeling nervous, anxious or on edge, and 44% said they felt stressed.
How to emotionally support a senior
There are many ways to help your loved one get through difficult periods and feelings, and they all boil down to helping them cultivate a sense of joy, meaning and purpose. “Having a sense of purpose and meaning in life is key to psychological health,” Routledge says. “It is also important for physical health, as people who feel meaningful and purposeful tend to live longer and healthier lives.”
If you’re wondering exactly what steps to take, here are the things you can do to support the older adults in your life.
Make plans for the future
“We all need things to look forward to, and we need to feel like we matter in other people’s lives,” Tomko says. She recommends making small, short-term plans that include your loved one, such as planning to see a movie, visiting them for a game night or scheduling a regular dinner.
“Create little opportunities of promise for the future, and then actually follow through on them,” she says.
Get them out and about
“You can’t have somebody in the house all day, every day and expect them to be able to feel happy,” Tomko says. She suggests planning regular outings, like visiting a friend or other relative, going to the park or running weekly errands.
Practice nostalgia
When someone is struggling to accept change or loss, asking them to think about the past may seem counterintuitive, but Routledge, who researches the benefits of nostalgia as a part of his work, says it actually has major benefits.
“When people experience nostalgia, they may first feel a sense of loss or sadness, but these feelings are followed by positive states such as happiness, contentment, gratitude and hope,” Routledge says. “Nostalgia reminds people that life is full of meaningful experiences, often shared with loved ones. This also helps people feel connected to something larger than themselves, like their family, which helps them think beyond their individual struggles and vulnerabilities.”
He recommends an activity like making a scrapbook together as a way of organizing and cherishing your loved one’s nostalgic memories. Tomko suggests reminiscence therapy, which she says can be carried out by anyone, and simply involves asking your loved ones questions about themselves and their lives and allowing them to share stories. You might ask them things like:
- What’s the funniest thing you remember from childhood?
- Which sports did you play?
- What was your first car?
- What was your first favorite song?
“Listen to their stories, and make the person realize their stories are part of their legacy,” says Tomko. “Anybody can do that. It’s just about acceptance, non-judgment, unconditional love and being patient with each other’s process.”
“You can say, ‘I’m so sorry. I know this must be hard for you. I love you, and I want to help.'”
— Jennifer Tomko, psychotherapist
Focus on a hobby
Hobbies can be temporary mood boosters, and they have the added benefit of helping a senior engage socially, improve their physical health or mental acuity and spark their passion and creativity. They’ll also help people feel connected and give them a sense of purpose and variety in their lives, Tomko says.
The hobbies your loved one enjoys will depend entirely on their personal preferences, but some to consider include:
- Creating art or taking an art class.
- Practicing meditation.
- Joining a club, such as for walking or playing games they like.
- Participating in a senior-focused exercise class.
- Cooking together.
- Learning how to play a new video game or computer game.
- Gardening.
- Learning to play an instrument.
Find a support group
Talking with peers and forming meaningful connections with people who understand what they’re going through can be a powerful form of medicine. Tomko, who runs a retiree group at her practice in Florida, recommends connecting with local senior centers or mental health providers to find a support group that focuses on whatever your loved one may be going through.
“When we’re going through difficult things, it can feel very lonely, and we tend to think there’s nobody else that really gets it or we may even feel ashamed of our feelings,” she says. “It’s extremely helpful for them to connect with other people to see that they’re not alone.”
Be empathetic
Remember that aging happens to all of us, and it isn’t easy. “If we’re sitting here in our forties and we wish we would have done something differently back when we were 20, or we wish that we had the same agility or flexibility as we did when we were 20, imagine how it feels when you can’t do the most basic of things, like get to the bathroom on your own,” Tomko says.
No matter what your loved one is going through, acknowledge their feelings, and let them know you are invested in supporting them. “You can say, ‘I’m so sorry. I know this must be hard for you. I love you, and I want to help,” she adds. “Say, ‘This is a process for me, too. We just have to be patient with each other. We can get through this together.”
