“I can’t tell you how much mental energy I’ve put into trying to figure out who I was, if I was ‘enough,’ where I fit in…” says Christian Trimmer, a biracial author and publisher who wrote the children’s picture book “What Are You?” as a way to answer the question in his own life in a way that felt truthful and empowering. “I’ve never walked into a room and felt surrounded by people who shared my experiences.”
“I can’t tell you how much mental energy I’ve put into trying to figure out who I was, if I was ‘enough,’ where I fit in…”
— CHRISTIAN TRIMMER, AUTHOR AND PUBLISHER
According to the 2020 US Census, there are 33.8 million people who identify as multiracial — defined as belonging to two or more races — and the multiracial population is expected to triple by 2060. The racial composition of the population for children is more diverse than that of adults, with over 15% of kids reported to be multiracial.
Raising children with a strong sense of identity and belonging is always a challenge, but when the child is mixed race, there are even more complicating factors. For example, Trimmer learned in writing his book that multiracial people are the most likely to test positive or be at risk for mental health conditions like depression and anxiety within the BIPOC community.
Ahead are seven actionable steps parents can take to help their multiracial children embrace their identity along with a few invaluable parenting tips to consider.
1. Talk to kids with intention about racial identity
“My family regularly talks about the fact that Mama is Asian, Dada is White and the kids are multiracial Asian,” says Liz Lin, a psychologist and parent of two multiracial children in Ann Arbor, Michigan. “My kids know that one set of grandparents is from Taiwan and the other has roots in Sweden and Scotland. These conversations started when my kids were very young, and they get a little more detailed and nuanced every year.”
“My kids know that one set of grandparents is from Taiwan and the other has roots in Sweden and Scotland. These conversations started when my kids were very young, and they get a little more detailed and nuanced every year.”
— LIZ LIN, PSYCHOLOGIST AND PARENT
Lin says she didn’t have conversations like this with her parents growing up. The first time she was made aware of her Asian American identity, it was because another 5-year-old asked her where she was from. “That incident immediately cast my racial identity as a negative thing that made me different from other kids, and that shaped how I understood this identity for most of my childhood,” explains Lin. “So it’s important to my spouse and me that our kids’ first understanding of their racial identity is a positive one that comes from our family instead of a negative one that an uninformed person puts on them.”
Michelle Felder, a licensed clinical social worker and play therapist based in New York City, also emphasizes the importance of discussing racial identity with care. “What parents and caregivers model for their children and how different races, ethnicities and cultures are talked about will have a huge impact on how a child feels about their own identity,” she says. “Being intentional about exposing children to various identities can help foster an appreciation of diversity and pride in who they are.”
“What parents and caregivers model for their children and how different races, ethnicities and cultures are talked about will have a huge impact on how a child feels about their own identity.”
— MICHELLE FELDER, SOCIAL WORKER AND PLAY THERAPIST
2. Do your own work around your own racial identity
“Parents and caregivers are a child’s most influential models,” says Felder, “and by modeling self-love and self-acceptance, parents can help children learn how to embrace all parts of their own identity.”
Lin also believes that parents who are more comfortable with their own racial identity will have an easier time talking with their children about theirs. “And similarly, if talking about racial identity feels awkward to you, you may inadvertently communicate to your children that it’s something weird or hard to discuss.”
If you find yourself feeling awkward or uncomfortable, Lin recommends giving yourself the space to discuss and process your own racial identity with friends or a therapist and becoming educated on racial identity development.
“Parents and caregivers are a child’s most influential models, and by modeling self-love and self-acceptance, parents can help children learn how to embrace all parts of their own identity.”
— MICHELLE FELDER, SOCIAL WORKER AND PLAY THERAPIST
“Beverly Daniel Tatum’s classic ‘Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? And Other Conversations About Race’ is required reading for anyone who seeks to understand racial identity development,” adds Lin. “And as the parent of multiracial Asian kids, I’ve gotten a lot from ‘Raising Mixed Race: Multiracial Asian Children in a Post-Racial World’ by Sharon Chang and the work of Mixed Asian Media.”
3. Find community
“I am originally from India and my wife is white American, so we are a mixed family,” says Dr. Sid Khurana, a board-certified child and adolescent psychiatrist at Nevada Mental Health in Las Vegas. Khurana highlights the importance of establishing support networks from school, grandparents, neighbors and the greater community. “We are blessed to live in a very multicultural city, which is very embracing, and the community is very accepting of diversity. We do the best we can to embrace multiculturism in our family.”
Lin also stresses the importance of finding community with other multiracial families and people of color as much as possible. “Lots of our friends have multiracial families like ours, and my kids are surrounded by other kids who look like them and share their experiences,” says Lin. “That sense of being normalized makes such a difference, especially when kids are young.”
4. Read about identity together
Though finding a diverse community may be more challenging depending on where you live, families can always celebrate multiracial representation in books and the media. Start early by reading these expert-recommended books together:
- “Our Skin: A First Conversation About Race” (ages 2-5) by Megan Madison, Jessica Ralli and Isabel Roxas “is an excellent introduction to race for young kids that makes space for multiracial identities,” says Lin.
- “Mixed: A Colorful Story” (ages 2-5) by Arree Chung is recommended by both Lin and Felder.
- “What Are You?” (ages 3-6) by Christian Trimmer, illustrated by Mike Curato (who also identifies as mixed race). “Often in my books, I’m rewriting history, having the protagonist behave in a way that I would have liked,” says Trimmer. “Certainly, that’s the case in ‘What Are You?,’ in which the puggle has an answer to the question at the ready (when I definitely did not as a kid).”
- “Not Quite Snow White” by Ashley Franklin (ages 4-6) and the following book are recommended by Khurana as great resources for parents raising multiracial kids.
- “How Our Skin Sparkles: A Growth Mindset Children’s Book for Global Citizens About Acceptance” (ages 4-8) By Aditi Singh.
5. Remind kids they’re not alone
Families can always celebrate multiracial people of prominence so kids can have positive role models who look like them. “I always make a point to draw attention to famous multiracial folks, like Kamala Harris and Olivia Rodrigo, so my kids know they’re in great company,” says Lin.
Here are some more people your kids may know who have talked about their multiracial identity publicly:
- President Barack Obama.
- Auliʻi Cravalho, actress/singer/voice of “Moana.”
- Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, actor/entertainer.
- H.E.R., R&B singer/songwriter.
- Yara Shahidi, actor/model.
- Mariah Carey, singer/songwriter.
- Halsey, singer/songwriter.
- Tracee Ellis Ross, actor.
- Taika Waititi, filmmaker/actor/comedian.
- Zendaya, actor/singer.
- Meghan Markle, advocate/former actor/Duchess of Sussex.
- Michelle Zauner, musician/author.
- Bruno Mars, musician/dancer/producer.
- Shakira, singer/songwriter/producer.
6. Watch shows and movies together with mixed-race characters
“I think ‘PEN15’ was the first show I’d ever seen that made the protagonist’s mixed-race upbringing a focal point of the story, and that just came out three years ago,” says Trimmer. “Seek out age-appropriate content that speaks to the mixed-race experience to enjoy together and have open dialogue about what you read or see.”
Here are some suggestions:
- “Wizards of Waverly Place” (TV-G).
- “Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse” (PG).
- “Kipo and the Age of the Wonderbeasts” (TV-Y7).
- “Never Have I Ever” (TV-14).
- “Shadow and Bone” (TV-14).
- “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” (TV-14) Trilogy, based on the bestselling YA novels by Jenny Han.
- “PEN15” (TV-MA), recommended for ages 15+.
7. Equip your kids with language and knowledge to discuss race
“Start by normalizing the experience of being curious about another person, and let kids know that although there’s nothing wrong with wondering about someone’s background,” explains Felder, “it becomes problematic when they’re asked to explain or defend their identity until someone else’s curiosity is satisfied.”
Because “What are you?” is a question typically rooted in racism or biases, it is a microaggression that sends the message that the person being asked is unusual or an outsider. Though the question is often deeply offensive, there are times when a person may ask out of a genuine desire to connect or understand, says Felder, so she suggests encouraging kids to assume positive intent and answer honestly. “This begins by equipping them with the knowledge and language to discuss their ethnicity in a way that feels authentic.”
Felder provides these ways that parents can encourage their child to respond to the touchy question:
- “I’m a person, but are you wondering what my ethnicity is?”
- “It sounds like you’re wondering about my ethnicity; I’m ____.”
- “Do you mean what ethnicity am I? I’m _____.”
- “I’m me.”
- “I identify as human.”
Tips for parents
As parents of multiracial children, experts also recommend bearing in mind the following:
Language matters
“Move away from language like ‘I’m half Black and half Asian,’ but rather use something like ‘my father is Black and my mother is Asian,’” says Jennifer Tang, a licensed clinical psychologist and director of Everwell Health and Counseling in Michigan. “This way, there isn’t internalizing a belief that one is only partially some identity or that one is any less of that identity versus someone else.”
You are enough
Many multiracial parents hold the internalized belief that they are not “enough” of one ethnic identity or another. Tang says sentiments like, “I don’t know enough about this culture because I wasn’t raised in it,” or “I’m not Mexican enough to embrace these traditions” are not uncommon, stemming from being second- or third-generation immigrants, transracially adopted or another cause. “The key is to remind yourself that it’s about what is important to you,” says Tang. “If cultural heritage and racial identity is something that is valuable to you, don’t worry about what others may think. There is no metric to how much or how little you are of your cultural identity — it’s about what is salient for you and where you want to place value for your identity.”
“If cultural heritage and racial identity is something that is valuable to you, don’t worry about what others may think. There is no metric to how much or how little you are of your cultural identity — it’s about what is salient for you and where you want to place value for your identity.”
— JENNIFER TANG, PSYCHOLOGIST
Identity can be fluid
“Giving children permission to choose how they identify and then honoring that choice can be a powerful experience for everyone in your family,” says Felder. And moreover, she says, “Our personal identity can be fluid and children benefit when their parents encourage this exploration and support them along the way.”
You may not understand
“Unless you’re multiracial yourself, you will not be able to fully understand your child’s experiences as a multiracial person,” says Lin. “As a monoracial Asian American, I can relate to some things my kids might experience — what it’s like to feel othered, what it’s like to feel like I straddle two identities without fully belonging to either — but at the end of the day, my kids’ experiences with race will be different from mine.”
Lin believes we as parents need to be as humble and empathetic as possible with our kids. “We should educate ourselves as much as we can — reading books, learning from multiracial friends and learning from what our kids tell us about their experiences.”
