Do you have a child who’s an intense perfectionist, a major people pleaser and is prone to burnout? Maybe you were like this as a child and are trying to figure out how you got this way, or maybe you’re looking for a way to help a child who struggles with the pressure to be perfect every moment of their life. High achieving kids who are intensely afraid of failure are often described as having golden child syndrome.
“While not officially recognized in psychiatric literature, golden child syndrome is a real phenomenon observed in family therapy and clinical settings,” says Sandra Kushnir, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder and CEO of Meridian Counseling. Golden child syndrome can “significantly impact the self-esteem and development of both the golden child and their siblings.”
Read on for more information about golden child syndrome, including what it means, golden child psychology and risk factors, the impacts of golden child syndrome and how to prevent and treat it.
What is golden child syndrome?
“Golden child syndrome is defined as being raised in a family system in which a child was expected to succeed in school, work and extracurriculars, be well-behaved (often beyond what is developmentally appropriate for their age) and generally project a positive image for the family,” says Natalie Moore, a Los Angeles-based licensed marriage and family therapist.
A golden child often feels a ton of responsibility — not just to live up to expectations, but to make their parents proud. Sometimes they may even feel pressure to “make up” for character flaws or failures in their siblings, Moore adds.
Golden child syndrome can “significantly impact the self-esteem and development of both the golden child and their siblings.”
—Sandra Kushnir, licensed marriage and family therapist
“Although golden child syndrome is not a mental health condition included in the ‘Diagnostic And Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders’ (DSM), it is an observable phenomenon present in many therapy clients,” adds Moore.
What causes golden child syndrome?
There are several factors that cause golden child syndrome. Some have to do with a child’s inborn personality traits, but many also have to do with how a child is raised and the role that the child has in their family. Most of the time, parents aren’t consciously trying to turn their kids into golden children, Moore points out.
“Parents don’t sit down at the table one day and say, ‘OK, so which kid is going to be expected to succeed and which one will be used as the scapegoat when things go wrong?’” Moore explains.
According to Moore, some of the contributing factors to golden child syndrome include:
- Age: The oldest child is more likely to become the golden child.
- Temperament: A child with an obedient temperament is more likely to create an expectation of good behavior.
- Intelligence or skill level: A naturally gifted child will be expected to continually excel.
When children are viewed as the golden child in their family, it can change how they are treated, which may cause them to lean into this role more and more.
“As with most family roles, each child becomes conditioned to behave in a certain way over years and over the course of thousands of tiny interactions that add up to an expected role in the family,” Moore says.
As Moore notes, some of the ways that a golden child is treated differently may include:
- Being held to a higher academic standard.
- Experiencing more rigid behavioral expectations than siblings or similarly aged kids.
- Being expected to act like a mini-adult.
- Being expected to be a positive role model for their siblings.
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What are the symptoms of golden child syndrome?
“Personality traits of a golden child include being a high-achiever (in school, extracurriculars during youth and at work in adulthood) people-pleasing and over-responsibility,” Moore says.
According to Kushnir, other symptoms of golden child syndrome include:
- Feeling intense pressure to maintain their status and meet high expectations.
- Developing a strong perfectionistic attitude.
- Serious anxiety about failing or disappointing their parents.
- Identity issues because self-worth is usually tied to achievements and parental approval.
The siblings of golden children may also experience their own symptoms. Most often, they may feel neglected or resentful, which can lead to overall strained family relationships.
The risks of raising kids using golden child psychology
Raising golden children or being a golden child poses several risks to the family, Kushnir says, including:
- Emotional burden: Golden children typically experience anxiety and burnout from the constant pressure to excel.
- Sibling rivalry: Favoritism from parents can create resentment and rivalry among siblings, potentially damaging their relationships.
- Stunted development: Both the golden child and their siblings can suffer from stunted emotional development, with the golden child feeling pressure to be perfect and the siblings feeling neglect and/or inferior.
- Identity crisis: The golden child often struggles to develop their own identity, especially if they fail to meet expectations or when external validation ends.
“It is absolutely possible to prevent golden child syndrome by communicating unconditional love, praising kids for effort over excellence and helping them develop emotional resilience.”
—Natalie Moore, licensed marriage and family therapist
Preventing golden child syndrome in kids
Golden child syndrome is problematic, but the good news is that it can be prevented and its impact can be reduced. “It is absolutely possible to prevent golden child syndrome by communicating unconditional love, praising kids for effort over excellence and helping them develop emotional resilience to handle the inevitable failures that occur in life,” Moore suggests.
She recommends that parents stay mindful of any expectations you have for your kids, and to consider how these expectations may harm their personality or development. “Keep your expectations reasonable and developmentally appropriate,” she advises.
Here are Kushnir’s tips for how to prevent and manage golden child syndrome within the family unit:
- Ensure that each of your kids receives equal attention and opportunities.
- Offer praise based on each child’s unique strengths and needs.
- Allow for open communication in your family so everyone feels comfortable discussing feelings and perceptions of favoritism.
- Be aware of your own biases as a parent, and do your best to treat your children equally.
The bottom line
While golden child syndrome is something parents should strive to avoid and prevent, sometimes it’s a pattern that emerges without us realizing what is happening. At times, it can be hard to reverse the impacts of golden child syndrome on our own, and this is where professional support can be helpful. Kushnir recommends seeking support from licensed therapists “to address and rectify any existing imbalances in the family dynamic.”
Most importantly, Kushnir emphasizes that golden child syndrome is something that can be remedied so that everyone in the family unit can thrive. “By promoting a balanced and supportive family environment, parents can help all their children develop a healthy sense of self-worth and strong familial bonds,” she emphasizes.
