Given that babies aren’t born with instructions, it’s not uncommon for new parents to feel underprepared and unsure of how exactly to raise their child. They may decide on a few non-negotiables (like no spanking or deciding they won’t immediately run to their child’s side whenever they trip and fall). But the rest? It comes with time. That said, there are a wide variety of popular parenting styles, such as the four parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, authoritative and neglectful.
“I am always a big advocate for parents taking the time to educate themselves about the many ways they can parent, especially if they were not exposed to parenting styles that they feel comfortable with,” says Tasha Brown, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of TMB Psychological Services.
While you may have heard of parenting styles like Montessori parenting to koala parenting, the approaches referred to as the four parenting styles are the most well-known, the most researched and the most commonly used by parents. Here, experts share you need to know about these four styles of parenting.
What are the four parenting styles and who created them?
The four most well-known and heavily-studied parenting styles are authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and neglectful.
Through her Pillar Theory, psychologist Diana Baumrind recognized that children’s behavior correlates to the way in which they were raised, or rather, the parenting style of their household. From there, she first identified three main parenting styles in the 1960s: authoritarian, authoritative and permissive. Then, in 1983, researchers from Stanford University Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin came up with neglectful, or uninvolved parenting, which was then incorporated into what became known as Baumrind’s four parenting styles. Understanding the benefits of authoritative parenting, Baumrind also eventually helped co-write “Authoritative Parenting: Synthesizing Nurturance and Discipline for Optimal Child Development.”
And you’ve likely also heard of attachment parenting. That’s a subset of authoritative parenting coined by pediatrician Dr. William Sears and his wife, registered nurse Martha Sears.
While there are other parenting styles people discuss online and in parenting circles, the four parenting styles are the best known and most common.
“We need to be open with expectations and stick to the things we say to children in order to help them learn. We also listen to them with this style and realize they are people too.”
—Kelsey Latimer, licensed clinical psychologist and founder of KML Psychological Services
What to know about each of the four parenting styles
While it’s not always necessary to read every parenting book out there, it can be extremely beneficial to learn about a variety of parenting styles. Here, the basics on each of the four parenting styles.
Authoritarian parenting
Authoritarian parenting is when parents attempt to “shape, control, and evaluate their children’s behavior based on the absolute set of standards,” explains Baumrind in the journal Developmental Psychology. Essentially, this is a parenting style in which parents maintain full control of every situation, with no input from their kids. When you think of parents who are “strict,” chances are you’re thinking of ones who use an authoritarian parenting style.
Authoritarian parents place very high expectations and rules around a child’s behavior and offer little warmth in the context of the parent-child relationship, explains Brown.
“These parents provide their children with no explanation or feedback about why these rules are important or how they should follow them,” notes Brown. “When children disobey the rules,there are harsh and severe punishments.”
For example, if the household rule is “no speaking with friends on the phone after 4 p.m. on a school day,” Brown says authoritarian parents might respond by taking the child’s phone privileges away for a full month.
This parenting style can also often be potentially damaging due to its association with power, adds Kelsey Latimer, licensed clinical psychologist and founder of KML Psychological Services.
“The parent may have a ‘my way or the highway’ or ‘because I said so’ mentality that stifles the child’s development of their thoughts, opinions and ideas on the world,” she says. “In action, this might look like a parent at the extreme being abusive and harshly punishing a child, or it can look like someone saying ‘because I said so’ without attempting to understand or listen to the child.”
While children of authoritarian parents know what is expected of them due to having hard and fast rules to obey, it can also work against them, points out Matt Schubert, mental health counselor at Gem State Wellness.
“It does often lead to a child who struggles to make their own decisions,” says Schubert. This can be problematic later in life when the child no longer has someone to guide them, stunting their independence.
Permissive parenting
If you’ve ever watched an episode of “Gilmore Girls,” which depicts a mother and daughter who are, or at least strive to be, more like “best friends” than parent and child, you’ve witnessed permissive parenting, which is when parents allow their kids to make their own choices regularly with few limitations. The experts we spoke to agree this style generally consists of having few (if any) rules or consequences for the child to follow. Moreover, this may sometimes occur because the parent would prefer to be liked versus making their child do what they know they need to do.
“This style is considered worrisome because it leads to the parents blurring boundaries and allowing the child to almost guide themselves,” says Latimer. “Often children think they want parents like this because they can get away with things, but it leads to having poor internal and external boundaries in the future and not knowing how to hear the word ‘no.’”
Schubert agrees, saying that while it can foster autonomy quicker in children, it can also lead to children who won’t listen to authority.
“It is a difficult parenting style to maintain because of the lack of structure,” he says.
Some examples of permissive parenting that Brown offers are placing no restrictions on a child’s screen time, or having zero expectations around cleaning and organizing so that a child keeps their room however they want.
Authoritative parenting
Authoritative parenting involves parents setting expectations for their children but also allowing kids to ask questions and offer their own opinions and ideas around household rules. This parenting style is less about having power over the child and more about helping them to understand the right choices and why consequences exist to keep them safe.
“This style is a bit of a mix of the other three [parenting styles] and often thought of as the ideal parenting approach,” says Schubert. “There are still rules and boundaries but it is met with encouragement for the child to make their own decisions.”
According to Schubert, this parenting style also offers more flexibility in terms of how parents create rules for their kids.
For example, if a child gets in trouble at school for climbing trees during recess when they’re not supposed to, the parent might ground them for breaking the rules. But if the child explains their reasoning (say a classmate accidentally got a frisbee stuck in the tree and they were just trying to help), the parent might reconsider the severity of the punishment. Additionally, if the child is new at school and was not actually aware of the rule, or if the child is younger (say, in kindergarten) they might be more willing to offer a warning for this first offense.
Latimer agrees, noting that the authoritative parenting style is associated with being firm yet flexible and has the highest amount of research to support it. “We need to be open with expectations and stick to the things we say to children in order to help them learn,” she explains. “We also listen to them with this style and realize they are people too.”
One example Latimer offers is having a conversation with a child who wants to stay out past curfew. A parent would explain why the rule exists, and that while they won’t be changing their mind, they want to hear their child out. They may even relate to how hard it can be when it seems like other kids stay out later.
“[Authoritative parenting involves] leaning in and listening, hearing and connecting with the child’s needs,” she adds. “Also, possibly using healthy negotiation practices if the child has a good point you had not thought of.”
How attachment parenting factors in
Authoritative parenting is similar to the approach of one popular subset of authoritative parenting: attachment parenting, which encourages parents to put the needs of their baby first in order to create the closest bond possible from the start.
“In attachment parenting, there is a big focus on parents being able to sense and respond to the needs of their children,” explains Brown. “Attachment parenting is guided by eight principles rooted in attachment theory, which emphasizes the importance of a child being able to ‘attach’ to a secure caregiver for them to learn how to trust and thrive.”
One example of this Brown offers is when parents make room for co-sleeping with their children for longer periods.
While the upside to this subset of authoritative parenting is the formation of strong connections between parent and child, Schubert says it can also lead to dependency for both parties and can also be difficult to maintain for those with busy work schedules.
Neglectful/uninvolved parenting
Neglectful parenting style is when parents are unable or unwilling to parent their child in a consistent manner with no set rules or consequences and little to no support.
“Neglectful (also known as uninvolved parenting) can oftentimes resemble permissive parenting,” says Schubert. “However, one of the biggest differences is that neglectful parenting often fails to meet the basic needs of the child such as food, attention, shelter and health care.”
Schubert says neglectful parents tend to leave children to care for themselves. Moreover, he says parents don’t necessarily choose this as a style, but rather end up parenting this way due to either being overwhelmed, using drugs, lacking parenting skills or having unaddressed mental health issues.
“Neglect differs from abuse because the child is seen almost as invisible and they often feel like they do not matter, which can have serious implications on their own long-term mental health and relationship patterns,” says Latimer. She says this neglect can be physical in nature, emotional or both.
While some experts feel that neglectful parenting can be seen as abusive, it isn’t always the case. Some uninvolved parents still make sure to take care of the most basic needs (food, shelter, etc.), but may simply allow kids to parent themselves, believing that it may be in their best interest. They may still love their children and provide emotional support, but at times are simply unable to be present and active in parenting due to mental illness or socioeconomic issues (having to work long hours and being too exhausted to do much parenting when home).
Still, whether or not it’s technically abusive, the outcomes of neglect are usually viewed as just as serious as the outcomes of abuse when it comes to a child’s self-esteem and physical health, points out Latimer.
What influences a household’s parenting style?
“Parenting style is influenced by many factors including but not limited to how one was parented, culture, parenting stress, age of parent and family dynamics,” says Brown.
Because parenting practices are learned and passed down, we often see members of certain cultures parent similarly to others within their culture, she adds.
The generation you were born in may also affect how you parent. “We see trends in parenting styles and practices in certain age groups because as new research and trends emerge in parenting, people are more likely to try different approaches to raising their children,” says Brown.
“A child experiencing two wildly different parenting styles from mom and dad will struggle mightily. Consistency is paramount.”
—Matt Schubert, mental health counselor at Gem State Wellness
What are the most common and effective parenting styles?
While there are four main parenting styles to choose from, the one that is most commonly used is also the most effective nowadays. Studies have shown that authoritative parenting (sometimes also referred to as gentle parenting) is the most popular among parents nowadays, particularly among millennials and Gen Z parents.
Brown says that authoritative seems to be the style most caregivers seem to want to work toward in her clinical practice. “I think this is the case because authoritative parenting places a big focus on providing children with warmth, support and nurture, while also setting clear boundaries and expectations,” she says.
Indeed, research has found authoritative parenting to be the most effective, yielding greater academic success, more independence and even fewer mental health issues over time.
The bottom line on choosing a parenting style
While it’s not wholly necessary to devour book after book about the four parenting styles, Schubert and Brown both say parents will naturally gravitate toward one style or another. However, Schubert does advise parents to at least get on the same page as to how they’ll raise their kids.
“A child experiencing two wildly different parenting styles from mom and dad will struggle mightily,” he says. “Consistency is paramount.”
Latimer recommends parents take some time to explore their own childhoods and parents of growing up so as not to fall into repeating unhelpful patterns. You might read up on specific parenting styles and also work with a therapist.
And remember to give yourself a break. “It is not uncommon to have an overall healthy parenting style, and then, days when you are not at your best and perhaps you use a forceful style that you don’t feel good about,” says Latimer. “The most important thing is to be honest with yourself, take ownership and apologize if needed.”
No matter how you start off your parenting journey, reflecting on your behaviors and parenting style is always beneficial for you and your family. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, and it’s never too late to make changes as you go along to make sure your children grow up healthy and supported.